After last week’s fitness fiasco – the porta-potty style Body Rocker vs the seventies style Bingo Buster (pretty much just a wooden box with bits nailed onto it), this week’s challenge is all about creating a new health product. Perhaps the team should try and create a cream to make Sir Alan’s face look a little less like a slapped arse.
21:05 Sir Alan get the teams lined up at Kew Gardens. He’s mixing up the teams – that pretty much guarantees friction.
21:07 Paula, team leader of Empire, says she’s really pleased with her team with a look on her face that says “Oh, christ what have I got left with.”
21:08 Essex-estate-agent-super-geezer Phil has just confessed a secret love for cosmetics while on the other team Ben has revealed he doens’t wear soap.
21:09 The team’s innovations so far – soap or shower gel. Yasmina: “Anything to do with the ocean is fresh, isn’t it?” She’s obviously never gone swimming on a British beach.
21:11 Half of Paula’s team are out in Poole harbour about to pick seaweed. The other team have opted for honey as their natural ingredient. Too early to predict a sticky situation?
21:13 Yasmina, no fan of bees is…one of the three candidates sent to get suited up and nick honey from hives.
21:14 Meanwhile the other team are after seaweed. James is, true to type, moaning: “I’m knee deep in crab shit.” You suspect the crabs aren’t pleased to see him either.
21:15 Paula and Yasmina get confused between Sandlewood and Cedarwood. Cedarwood – dirt cheap. Sandlewood (according to the perfume expert) is the most expensive oil of the lot. What’s more they can’t read the recipe right. You’d think Sir Alan might want people that can do a bit of basic maths.
21:17 450g is going into the mix – nearly £600 worth. The team is oblivious.
21:19 Genial geordie Phil is getting fractious with Kimberley, the irritating American, who he’s decided is “as dumb as a door knob”. The label design process is far from smooth. And the team haven’t got a batch number, which is vital.
21:20 Lorraine brands Phil “a dickhead”, for once she’s in tune with what everyone else is thinking.
21:21 Nick lets Paula’s team know that they’ve completely messed up their figures and their fragrance is going to have to sell for a fortune to make a profit. Paula immediately blames the rest of the team.
21:23 The next morning – Paula’s trying to be positive…”We’ll just to have to go in high.” Meanwhile the other team’s honey packed soap falls appart when you add water. That’s a pretty big failure for a washing product.
21:25 Empire are trying to sell their fragrant products next to a van selling German sausages. The other team are attempting to flog their wares dressed in beekeeper outfits. It looks like an outtake from a low-rent version of Outbreak.
21:29 Nural can’t sell anything. While Ben, Debra and Kimbeley are trying to thust their seaweed soap at commuters outside a Tube station. Way to pick a pitch.
21:30 Empire have been shifing the Sandlewood soap, so they’ve now decided to stick their prices up. “Shall we stick on an extra 50p” Paula wonders.
21:31 Beekeepers outfits outside a tube station? How long before the police rapid response unit arrives?
21:32 Meanwhile, Nural’s team are slashing prices on the disintergrating honey soap and the man himself is stuck in traffic.
21:34 Empire have sold the rest of their stock to a dealer for £400 but will that be enough to make up for the super-expensive Sandlewood?
21:35 Nural’s team are desperate. “Two for one pound.” They’re effectively giving their stock away.
21:36 Time to see Sir Alan. Nural’s team sold their stock for barely anything but will Paula’s team’s costly mistake with the Sandlewood be their downfall?
21:37 “Nural, good team leader?”, ask Sir Alan. They team say yes. Margaret says no. Now Sir Alan’s looking at the soap. “I think the centrepiece of the soap is very liquidy,” Nural claims.
21:38 “Sounds like you were making a bloody cocktail”, Sir Alan mutters after Nural’s talk of honey and coconut.
21:39 Ben begins a waffling attack on Paula. “I didn’t want the blahdy Magna Carta.” Sir Alan is not happy.
21:40 The Sandlewood knackered Paula’s team. Nick really puts the knife in. “If Paula and Yasmina hadn’t confused Sandlewood with Cedarwood, you would have won.” Sir Alan looks like an weary walnut.
21:41 Nural’s team are sent off for sushi and saki. A win but no thanks to Nural. Phillip delivers the inevitable “who’s Sir Alan going to saki?” pun.
21:42 Paula gets ready to blame Ben for the costing cock-up. “I’m furious. I’m going to rip her to shreds,” he says charmingly.
21:44 Sir Alan’s praising the product but…where were the profits? Paula admits she didn’t know how much the fragrances cost while Ben sits at the end drinking his water and mumbling.
21:45 Ben focusing on patronising Paula in his attempt to avoid the fire. Nick notes that Ben was only a few metres away, “not in bloody Scotland” adds Sir Alan.
21:46 Yasmina – “Cedarwood and Sandlewood sounded the same.”
21:47 Sir Alan’s on about how good the product and design are again. Paula’s taking the credit. Ben wants to take credit for the design and marketing.
21:48 “Is there anything you didn’t do?” asks Sir Alan turning his ire on “brilliant” Ben. He and Yasmina are coming back in the boardroom with Paula.
21:49 “Made soap. I would hang on to some. Because if you think you’re sweating now, you soon will be.” Whoever’s writing Sir Alan’s quips needs to up their game.
21:50 Sir Alan not impressed that Paula’s using her HR background to weasel out of responsibility for dealing with the costings. Lesson: never try and look for sympathy if you work in HR.
21:51 Ben is getting bolshey. His plan is obviously to just attack, attack, attack. Let’s hope Sir Alan sees through it. Paula certainly thinks Ben should be fired.
21:52 “The girls admitted I was brilliant at selling.” says Mr Modest.
21:53 Scenting blood, Ben and Yasmina both turn on Paula. “You’ve shown yourself to be a bit of a thug Ben,” says Paula showing a perceptiveness that was lacking earlier in the episode.
21:54 “Never mind making soap, this sounds like a blahdy soap opera.” Sir Alan’s quips are back on track.
21:55 Sir Alan sums up and Paula gets fired. She made a great product and she went. Seriously unfair. Ben’s on thin ice though (“Either you alienate people or you’re no blahdy good.”) and Yasmina will be a project manager again soon.
21:57 Bully-boy Ben is turning out to be the villain of the series. He’ll stay because he’s entertaining.
Next time: create a healthy cereal for kids. They’ll probably end up putting crushed glass in it.