21:00 After last week’s pirate birds and Pantsman – the most unsettling children’s character since Cat Weasel – the contestants are going to be flogging junk…no, I’m sorry, “antiques”.
21:05 A word of warning says Sir Alan, don’t take everything at face value. Philip – Mr Angry – is a project manager this week. With his management style somewhere to the right of Vlad The Impaler, expect chaos. But the other team will be fine won’t they, they’ve got…Ben. Oh dear, and he’s already mentioned that “Sandhurst scholarship” of his.
21:06 There’s vintage items amongst the junk including a first edition in a box of books. Since the contestants usually can’t see the wood from the trees, I doubt they’ll notice.
21:08 Philip declares he’s going to listen this week and calls for unity before immediately attacking his nemesis Long-face Lorraine. She’s picked up that the rug might just be valuable (the voiceover agrees) but Phil thinks it’s “probably made of nylon”. Good move big ‘ead.
21:11 Ben’s team are getting stuff valued. Philip can’t be bothered and has already tried to sell the skeleton. “No, that’s not the sort of thing we sell,” say the bemused shop owners.
21:12 With book experts in Charing Cross, Ben is getting bolshey. Can’t these experts just hurry up? His impatient attitude means they’re certain to miss that cheeky first edition nestling at the bottom of the box. “We can’t take any more shit from these book people. I’m fed up with these book people giving me shit.” He’s clearly not used to dealing with books that don’t come in a wipe-clean waterproof form.
21:13 Lorraine is certain that the rug is valuable. Philip is clearly in love with the skeleton. Oh dear Phil.
21:14 Ben’s team sell a rare book for a £100 to the first bookseller they offer it to. What’s the betting it’s worth considerably more. Heard of getting a second opinion folks?
21:15 Philip’s team are skulking around pubs near a hospital trying to flog a skeleton. “I’ll give you £2 right now,” says a cheeky builder who may very well have been hired straight from Central Casting. They sell it to another locquacious lunchtime drinker for £160.
“They’re very lucky,” says Margaret showing her usual gift for understatement.
21:17 The rest of Philip’s team is flogging stuff to men on the market. It’s the Derek Trotter technique.
21:18 James and Yasmina are flogging to shops directly…and underselling every item. They’re like feckless fences from a gang of educationally sub-normal shoplifters.
21:19 Philip is trying to flog the rug – which they have not bothered to value (much to Lorraine’s chagrin) – at a street market. “This,” comments the sage like Margaret, “Is one of the most stupid things they’ve ever done.”
21:20 Nural’s checked the skeleton’s value and Ben’s team have a man to sell it too. Has he actually made himself useful for once? Oh no…this guy’s a student and has “no money”. Ben’s sells it to him for £60, way below asking price. Things aren’t looking good.
21:21 Meanwhile Yasmina and James are in a rug shop. “Don’t waste your time in this area,” says a wise old rug shop owner. They keep trudging round.
21:22 Philip’s team are hawking the rug door to door. “I’m speechless,” says Margaret as she watches them begging homeowners to take it.
21:23 Ben on the commode: “Sell it as a vintage accessory.”
“It’s a chair you shit in,” says Debra, radiating class.
Ben tries to persuade a shop owner to buy it for…£6. He’s not interested. “Do you think we should offer him money to take it?” The “trainee stockbroker” has forgotten what profit means.
They’re doing the excellent hold the phone at arm’s length technique.
21:26 ”We’ll just do a sundry lot for a quid” says Ben desperate to shift the pile of shoes that includes an extremely valuable vintage pair.
“They’re treating it like a flog off,” says Nick, his eyebrows sky high.
21:27 Thirty-five minutes to go and Philip is walking back towards the boardroom still carrying the rug. Meanwhile, Ben’s team still haven’t sold theirs which they’ve left lying on the street…in the rain.
21:28 And now they get turned over by two shrewd business men, the boss and his frown faced mate. Ben’s team sells their rug for £55.
21:29 Philip sells the rug to a man on the street. “Is this some kind of joke,” the bloke asks. “I’ll take it because it’s in good condition and brand new.” And, because it’s a really expensive rug.
They settle on £50. The bloke knows he’s got a bargain, Philip thinks he’s played a blinder. Lorraine: “The rug and the shoes were the gems.”
“You’re turning round now and saying it’s the expensive one,” says Philip rounding on her again. “You didn’t mention it once.” I think she did Philip – at 21:08 actually.
21:31 Fingers crossed for Ben or Philip to go. The pair of them were more pitiful and painful to watch than usual this week.
21:32 ”The devil was in the detail. Some of those products were not much to look at but worth a lot. A bit like me really,” smirks Sir Alan. Wooo, zinger!
21:33 Sir Alan’s quizzes Philip on how they valued things. “We had a booooouk we flipped through,” says Phil. You suspect he’s familiar with picture books. Sir Alan decides he can’t understand Philip’s Durham accent.
21:34 Margaret dubs Lorraine the “Cassadra of the team”. Lorraine has no idea what she’s talking about. That’s a compliment, love.
Sir Alan realises Philip was angling for a guest spot on Antique’s Road Show.
21:35 Philip’s team make a net loss but Ben’s make an even bigger one. Once again Philip slips through. “I don’t know what you’re smiling for,” says Sir Alan, “Your mind seems like concrete to me, thoroughly mixed but solidly set.”
This week’s credit cruched treat: truffle tasting. Philip, with his penchant for acting like a pig in shit, should enjoy that.
21:36 Sir Alan’s script writers are on good form. To Ben’s team: “Right you lot, go off and think about what happened. You might need that commode. One of you is going to get blahdy fired.”
“No one deserves this treat more than Lorraine,” says Philip in the very definition of realising too little too late. Lorraine’s long face stretches into an even more unimpressed look.
21:37 Ben declares he doesn’t want “everyone slating each other” in the greasy spoon debrief. Presumably, he doesn’t want anyone saying he’s a total incompetant with a terrible dress sense and the leadership skills of a Tellytubby.
21:39 Sir Alan’s wondering why no-one bothered to value the stuff. Ben admits to just wanting to flog everything. “The bleeding skeleton could have done a better job than the lot of you.” Sir Alan rumbles.
Nick says Ben closed the deal for the skeleton. Nural disagrees. “The money went into my hand,” says Nural as if being a checkout assistant at Tesco’s is the same as being the Chief Exec.
Debra’s putting the knife in while Yasmina responds while curiously dressed like a member of Easyjet cabin crew. Debra has a massive face. I know that’s cruel but you could show a film on it. Wisely, she’s attacking Nick now. Nick, Sir Alan’s right hand man. What a clever move.
21:43 While they bicker, Sir Alan looks on like a dad who’s got overtired on Christmas Day and can’t believe the Scrabble game’s been ruined AGAIN.
21:44 Ben goes off on a little speech about who he’s going to bring back into the boardroom. Bad move. Sir Alan skewers him. With a confused look on his face, like a dog bewildered by its own farts, Ben says he’ll Nural and James back into the boardroom. He’s obviously going for the weaker ones.
21:45 He changes his mind after Sir Alan wonders why he’s picking on James: “You’re looking at James like there’s a village missing an idiot.” The camera pans to James and you can almost hear the bells on his hat jingle.
Debra’s feeling lairy and says she’ll come back in. She’s up for a fight. The boardroom’s starting to take on the air of a Yates’ Wine Lodge at half midnight on a Saturday night.
21:46 “He got a scholarship to Sandhurst,” says Nick talking about Bolshey Ben. “But he didn’t actually go did he,” fires back Margaret – once again on the money.
21:27 “I can win this competition,” says Ben, gearing up for another of his patented sweaty faced rants.
Nural has suddenly gained some balls. “Was I responsible for the failure of this task?” he asks.
Debra swings into action with a point by point takedown of Ben, conducted in the style of a pissed-up housewife having a scrap over the last of the sale items in TK Maxx.
21:50 Debra was “rude about the book people” says Ben.
“What did you call them?” ask Debra and Nural, recalling his little abusive rants about those bloody book people. “I’m fed up of taking shit from book people.” Remember that, Ben?
21:51 Nural’s in Sir Alan’s firing line. “Ben comes across as rude and arrogant,” Nural sensibly notes.
Hopefully his points and Debra’s nasty rejoinders will see Ben get the boot. Frankly we could lose all three.
21:52 “As team leader I’m going to afford you one more privilege,” says Sir Alan, “Why shouldn’t I fire you?”
Ben has his chance to make a speech. The key points – blah blah grafter, blah blah sales, blah blah team leader, blah blah win this competition, blah blah win this competition, blah blah Sandhurst, blah blah Sandhurst.
21:53 Nural reveals that Ben’s be gobbing off round the flat, talking about his desire for magazine deals. “It’s annoying to hear that your interest lies in where you can take your top off,” Nural mutters. The mind boggles. There’s not a massive market for man boobs is there?
21:55 Sir Alan takes Debra to task for her mouth, “Don’t think you’re special, ’cause your blahdy not.” But Nural gets nixed.
He was a lightweight but Debra’s gob should have done for her and Ben’s ineptitude knows no bounds and his ever expanding ego must be a health hazard.
21:56 “I’ve got this feeling about Nural. Whoever employs him better get a receipt.” Sir Alan gives the kind of televised reference you really wouldn’t want in the middle of a recession.
21:57 Back at the Penthouse, Lorraine predicts that Debra will go.
Her face looks extra long as Ben and Debra waltz in.
Ben is now the most unpopular man in the house. James: “You showed how spineless you are, you shat your pants.” It’s like watching a squid mocking a jellyfish for lacking backbone.
Verdict: another week, another wrong decision from Sir Alan. The producers will be happy though, the big villains (Phil, Debra and Ben) remain.