Review: True Blood (Channel 4)

I’m not a fan of the whole fantasy genre. It’s too tiresome. I can suspend my disbelief only so far, which is why, when someone showed me the Buffy episode which turned into a musical, I seriously considered ending my own life.

However, very occasionally, something comes along that swerves all the usual heavy breathing tripe and overly sincere performances. True Blood is one of those shows.

Instead of tying itself up with yawning Gothicisms, this show ties itself up bondage style with a gigantic erection that you could hang a dead cow from.

True Blood, quite simply, is the filthiest television programme ever aired. The point of the show is blindingly obvious. It’s Rizla thin. Basically, the whole schtick is to portray vampires as the black people of the Deep South that got lynched and all manner of grisly behaviour.

However, the key difference with vampires and slaves is that vampires are magic and drink blood. They also tend to be white. I mean, apart from Blaxploitation flick Blacula, there’s not many vampires who don’t look like they’ve just stepped out of a Bauhaus gig is there?

So whilst you sit and suck up each wry nod of And This Is How America Used To Treat Black People, you do so in the knowledge that, should you wait for roughly three seconds, you’ll either get some unbearable mounting of sexual tension or a rough sex scene.

The bloke who played Vinny in Home and Away is, thus far, the most likely to be swinging his balls up a lady’s front garden and with his He-Man figure body, he does so with alarming frequency. I can’t help but think that his character must have a member so angry that when it’s having some downtime from the rutting, it’s writing letters to tabloid newspapers wholly in capital letters. In blood.

Weirdly though, you’d think that with all this endless shaggery that this would be a pretty one-dimensional show. It’s not. This is a handsome programme to look at and through the sticky nights of Bon Temps (that’s where it is set), you get a palpable sense of the American backwaters, along with a cast that really has many layers to be peeled back yet.

Anna Paquin, who plays lead, is a great little character who is kind hearted and made from Pumpkin Pie whilst also giving off the whole brooding rebellion and primal squirting urge. She’s really rather spectacular in it.

This is a show for people who like to watch TV that is simultaneously trashy AND tight-as-a-drum. It’s also set to be the perfect show for duvet fumbling teenagers who can’t wait to yank the soup out of themselves every 5 minutes.

In True Blood, we’ve got a show that has managed to be worth watching AND genuinely sexy. If you’ve been missing it, tune in. It’s a great little show. Just don’t watch it with your parents.

About the author

I'm Mof Gimmers.

I've been writing about TV for a long time. I love it and loathe it in equal measures. I'm pretty sure the TV feels the same away about me too.
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