X-Factor Series 6, Live Shows Week 3 aka wahey, hey, hey, it's Michael Bublé

19:38 It’s nearly time for Week 3’s first live show and the producers have provided all right thinking people with fully functioning ears with a challenge. That’s right, this week’s musical guests (after Whitney’s warblings last week) are jazz terror Michael Bublé and the shambling zombie boyband corpses of Westlife. Let’s hope the acts make up for that offensively terrible line-up.

19:56 Girlfriend making popcorn. Me taking vailium in preparation for watching Big Band week. Big Band music surely is the worst form of human musical creativity. It pretty much stopped being a valid musical form when Glenn Miller got lost in that fog.

19:58 I’m also slightly confused by the competitors’ song choices. Miss Frank are singing a Frank Sinatra song (the mind boggles) and Lloyd Daniels has opted for Fly Me To The Moon but the rest are singing really modern songs or just totally unrelated tracks. How will they make Rachel’s rendition of Creedence’s Proud Mary or Jamie nuzzling up to U2’s Angel of Harlem fit the theme?

20:02 It’s the recap. And we’re reminded of Simon’s slagging of Cheryl last week. Expect some more artificial drama between them. Simon also reckons this is the week, “you absolutely have to bring it.” As opposed to usually when you can just tit about?

20:03 Cheryl says it was awful losing Ricky and makes it sound like she lost a man in ‘nam. Oh and Louis’s talking tough which is like watching a Lepracaun get gobby.

20:05 I always suspect that Dermot has no functioning genitalia, like an Action Man brought to life by television magic.

20:07 Louis gets a nice welcome back and he’s slagging the other judges already. First up, it’s Ollie. He got a great response last week but the consensus in TV Throng headquarters is he’s a bit like a cream cracker – fine but bland.

20:08 “Ollie’s a good looking boy.” Oh, did you notice Michael Buble? Interesting…

20:09 Ollie’s out with a bowtie and the full smart suit trimmings but no jacket. That’s a fashion faux pas right there. I’m a fan of his dancers but Bewitched is just not a very interesting song. It’d win your local karaoke comp hands down but I’m simply not…bewitched (groan) by Ollie’s performance. And that fake laughter is dreadful. Seems like Simon’s given him the Robson and Jerome handbook.

20:11 Louis says Ollie is the “dark horse” and is “the boy next door”, he’s the dark boy horse next door. Positive comments from Louis and from Danni. Cheryl likes him too. In the battle of the dresses, it’s a dead heat between Cheryl and Danni – both a bit too sequin. Simon makes a hi-larious gag about Ollie’s dancers: “I know what it’s like working with two witches.” Rolling eyes from Cheryl.

20:19 Lloyd Daniels next. Last week’s song choice – Bleeding Love – got an absolute kicking. Cheryl says she won’t make a mistake this time. He’s a sweet boy is Lloyd. Very very Welsh. Almost hilarious Welsh. “Smile man, have a great time with it…” – some seriously technical advice from Buble there. And Simon says: “I hope Cheryl doesn’t give him something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon…” And here’s Lloyd Daniels with…Fly Me To The Moon. Oh dear.

20:21 He’s being beaten by the band. He’s too quiet. “He looks great but he’s not sounding good…” says Ms TV Throng. I can’t help but agree (though I’d rather she didn’t sound so keen on his looks!).

20:22 An unnecessary backflip gets no love from Simon and his singing remains far too weak. His big support in Wales could keep him in but frankly he’s not done brilliantly to strike the Bleeding Love debacle from the record.

20:19 Lloyd Daniels next. Last week’s song choice – Bleeding Love – got an absolute kicking. Cheryl says she won’t make a mistake this time. He’s a sweet boy is Lloyd. Very very Welsh. Almost hilarious Welsh. “Smile man, have a great time with it…” – some seriously technical advice from Buble there. And Simon says: “I hope Cheryl doesn’t give him something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon…” And here’s Lloyd Daniels with…Fly Me To The Moon. Oh dear.

20:21 He’s being beaten by the band. He’s too quiet. “He looks great but he’s not sounding good…” says Ms TV Throng. I can’t help but agree (though I’d rather she didn’t sound so keen on his looks!).

20:22 An unnecessary backflip gets no love from Simon and his singing remains far too weak. His big support in Wales could keep him in but frankly he’s not done brilliantly to strike the Bleeding Love debacle from the record.

20:28 Miss Frank are also doing a Sinatra song. Buble says they’ve updated a classic. So expect it to sound a little different. Bit of rapping to get mixed in there. It’s That’s Life – the song they did at boot camp but they’re going to change it. Hmm…

20:29 Someone’s dressed two of them in prison romper suits. Sack the stylist! However, the performance is great. They’ve got real star quality. Even if the rumours from backstage suggest they fight like drunken cats in a sack.

20:31 The rap was great! And as usual Miss Frank had real personality which is not something you can say for a lot of the field (Danyl, I’m looking at you).

20:33 Great comments from the whole panel. Simon likes the prison baby look but what do you expect from a fella who pulls his trousers up that high?

20:40 Rachel was great last week and I have no idea why she was in the bottom two. Dannii can’t understand either.

20:41 I think Rachel will do well whether she wins or not. She’s also doing Proud Mary by Creedence Clearwater Revival which is a fantastic song. Ms TV Throng’s verdict on Michael Buble: “God, he’s a tit.”

20:42 Dannii keeps referring to Michael Buble as just “Buble”, it makes him sound like a pasta dish.

20:44 Funkiest outfit of the night – a sequin covered magic eye picture cut in a totally mad way. Also: she has great legs. Bit of a Beyonce shake going on. If this performance doesn’t connect with the audience, they’re muppets. Sorry audience but you really are if you prefer Ollie’s meh-inducing performance to this. It’s a firecracker.

20:46 The whole panel asks for the audience to vote for Rachel. “This was not the same person I’ve been seeing for the last two weeks,” says Simon. He says she’s been acting too old and she’s finally having fun. “We’re starting to see the person you really are…you are in with a shot.” Dannii – “That’s how it’s done.”

20:55 Here’s Jamie and his magic afro. Ms TV Throng likes him. I think he’s pretty cool too as much as I don’t want to agree with her. Buble is really not giving out any interesting advice.

20:56 They changed Jamie’s song really late on. Is that a good thing? I bet it ends up being a triumph. “It’s a massive risk for Jamie’s future…” says Louis contorting his little face into a mask of concern.

20:57 Jamie’s on and it’s U2’s Angel Of Harlem. And unlike when Bono sings it, it’s not utterly odious. Just marginally odious. Jamie’s good but I can’t really accept anyone but Susie Quattro wearing leather trousers.

20:59 “That’s not big band,” says Louis. Oh and Creedence Clearwater Revival is? I think that’s Louis controversy moment. Dannii loves it. Dannii loves most things. Oh and Louis’s annoyance, he had one of his acts doing Britney in diva week. If it had been divvy week, that’d have been fine.

21:01 Simon: “Louis’s sitting here like some little bloke from the council with a rulebook…I don’t think he’s got the right to sit here telling us about musical taste knowing about the two horrors who are coming up…” Oh god, I’d forgotten about the children of the damned (John & Edward, genetically bred to drive me insane).

21:03 Stacey’s kid is a total cutey. Buble says sing it to your kid. Oh god, he is so insufferable. And we haven’t even heard him sing yet.

21:04 “I just hope…” Louis always starts his little VT comments with that. He actually means (if it’s not his act), “I just hope they fall flat on their face.”

21:05 Stacey is dressed as the Aldi Marilyn Monroe but it’s pretty cute really. And she’s doing When You Wish Upon A Star justice. Ms TV Throng says: “She’s like a Disney princess…she’s a Cinderella.” I’d have spent a little longer drawing her face but she is pretty endearing. All she needs now is a talking animal sidekick.

21:07 Good comments across the board though Simon says: “You looked better than you sounded tonight.” He thinks she was a bit robotic. She smiles throughout.

21:08 Oh bit revelation time from Dannii this week. Apparently Stacey came to her in tears. That’s manipulating the crowd right there.

21:09 She can’t breathe or move in the dress. “Only a man would criticise her for staying still…” Ms TV Throng is really not pleased with Simon’s comments.

21:13 Here’s Danyl (my least favourite). Because of that alone, I suspect everyone else in the whole world will think he’s the best thing since gold covered gold.

21:14 Feeling Good. It’s the standard “hey-listen-to-my-vocal-tricks” song. And the stylist has decided that he should have the undone bowtie look going. I’m no big fan of the deliberately disheveled look but to be fair, it’s a good performance. However, Ms TV Throng (a fan of Danyl *groan*) thinks he’s “been better”.

21:18 Good comments from the whole panel. Simon doesn’t know why Cheryl hasn’t bigged up Danyl more. Bit of a cat fight between Cheryl and Simon again. That’s purely for the tabloid stories tomorrow. Danyl says he’s glad Louis’s back. Aw shucks…

21:25 It’s Northern boy Joe now. Ms TV Throng is doing her version of his accent which is best described as “Victorian chimney sweep”. Buble has told Joe to be sexy. That’s like telling a doormouse to smoulder. I think it’s really quite unlikely. The choreographer says, if he messes up the dance he’ll look like an idiot.

21:27 Singing Sway, Joe is about as sexy as a Margaret Thatcher centrefold. My least favourite performance of the night.

21:28 And who thought dancers in white polo-necks was a good look. It looks like a group of geography teachers dancing at a wedding reception.

21:29 He’s a nice guy says the panel. But “bloody linen water’s nice” says Ms TV Throng deploying one of her most baffling analogies.

21:30 Simon liked the singing but wasn’t sure the performance was that authentic: “You have about as much latin flair as a dolphin.” Obviously he hasn’t met my friend Senor Dolphino.

21:33 Ms TV Throng on Michael Buble: “He’s SUCH a drip! He’s only got one facial expression.”

21:34 Lucie’s singing My Funny Valentine. And she’s giving it a bit of smoulder. It’s all about hugging the vintage mic and big come to bed eyes. Or maybe I’m just getting a bit flustered. “Looks good, sounds good,” says Ms TV Throng.

21:28 Simon’s criticising Lucie’s performance for lacking something. The rest of the panel doesn’t agree. Dannii’s come straight back at Simon: “I do not appreciate Simon’s comments.” Louis is still banging on about Jamie not singing big band. I think he needs to let that go.

21:45 It’s the group everyone wants to see and hear, says Louis. Really? I want them to be locked into glass cubes, Superman style and blasted into space like super-villains.

21:46 She Bangs by Ricky Martin. John and Edward in horrific suits and with a selection of super-short-skirted dancers. I suspect they wouldn’t be interested in them usually…oh, sorry, I came over a little bit Dannii Minogue there.

21:48 Ms TV Throng’s verdict: “Better than last week.” They move around too much to really sing that well but they are quite fun as performers. If only we didn’t have to listen to them talk.

21:49 Dannii: “I’m torn here. The singing is not of the standard to follow Alexandra Burke winning the show but…it was a great performance.”

Cheryl: John…and…Edward. You are two of the nicest kids I’ve ever met. The boos are pantomime. Your fast becoming my guilty pleasure.”

Simon: “I don’t know if I can do this anymore…let me try and be constructive. If you heard it on the radio, it would probably be one of the worst things you’ve ever heard.” He’s spot on. He gave them credit for dancing but he’s right, they are a twin-headed nightmare.

Louis brings up Zig and Zagg: “These boys are better.” Simon did realise they were puppets when he signed them though Louis.

21:56 Right: get voting and let us know who you like best and more importantly who you think should go in the comments. Ms TV Throng’s favourite is Jamie and she’d like to see Ollie binned because he’s boring. For me, I like Rachel best and would also like Ollie ditched.

Tune in tomorrow to find out who goes and to watch Westlife and the man Dannii calls simply Buble perfoming “live” in studio.

Want to download tonight’s songs or catch up on the “facts”? Try UKTVObsessed’s super-accurate blog over here.

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  • Frank Sinatra used to do backflips before every chorus, FACT.

  • brokenbottleboy

    I want to see the bit where he and Sammy Davis Jnr break dance.

  • Jsherr

    I don’t think any of them have any right to lecture on music taste frankly

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