I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here returns with a wet spap!

Putting a live spider in your mouth is the ultimate disgusting thing ever“. And so spake Gino D’Acampo on last night’s return of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! (ITV1).

He’s clearly never seen the show before. If he had, he’d realise that sharing headspace with a bug in something that looked like a rubbish sci-fi helmet is nowhere near the most vile thing the participants will put themselves through. I imagine at some point, we’ll see Jimmy White getting a camera stuck in his face whilst he’s weeps through each grisly chew of a rodent’s colon.

Every time this show airs again, I wonder if this is where evolution was meant to take us. While other planets presumably have creatures who have learned to communicate via their minds and build gigantic sleek spacecraft, we’ve slowly stumbled our way to watching D-list slebs suffering for our amusement.

This year’s objects of derision are, as ever, a motley crew. With very few looking likely to win us over.

We’ve got the aforementioned cartoon Italian, Gino D’Acampo, as well as car-wreck Sam Fox, who wasted no time in performing her ‘Touch Me’ song. She’s also currently in lead for the dreaded ‘Waterfall Shower’ sequence.

Of the Who Cares? list, we’ve got Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, who you may know as being camp interior designers off the telly. We’ve also got Lucy Benjamin who used to be on Eastenders. Add Sabrina Washington (who was in Mis-Teeq), Camilla Dallerup (a Strictly Come Dancing dancer) and Stuart Manning (who played Russ in Hollyoaks) and you have a whole bunch of people giving credence to the Oldest Joke Around, ‘They should redo I’m A Celebrity with some celebrities in…

However, it’s not a total wash-out. In George Hamilton, we have someone who looks like a varnished lizard/man hybrid. Eating insects should be no bother for him. We’ve also got Jimmy White who looks like he’s storing snooker balls in his stomach.

Early favourite though is the wonderful Kim Woodburn (the camp one How Clean Is Your House?) who looks to be the perfect I’m A Celebrity contestant. She’s daft, bolshy, funny and has hair so amazing that when she eventually dies, she should have her head mounted in a national museum.

Weirder that Kim’s Mr Whippy hair is the fact that Jordan is going back into the show.

This means that she’s returning to the scene of the crime of her failed marriage to mewing man-boob Peter Andre. Will the spunk stains still mark the same log from all that time ago?

Fellow Throngite Lola Darling noted “didn’t she learn from Jade? You go back into the reality show and bad stuff happens. Nowt good will come of this for her.”

Of course, while I want to enjoy the funny raspberry blows of Kim Woodburn, ITV execs are thrilling over Katie Price. She’s the perfect inclusion for the show as far as they’re concerned. This is because she’s weirdly paranoid about absolutely everything and everyone.

Essentially, she’s destined to become Colonel Kurtz with giganto-knockers. She’ll be surrounded by bleeding effigies of Peter Andre, whispering “the horror… the horror…”, whilst Stuart Manning squeals, naked and trussed up like a slaughtered piglet in a darkened corner.

Elsewhere, the rest of the contestants will have been thrown into revolt, forcing Ant and Dec to gag on live squid wriggling down their throats whilst Lucy Benjamin forces Nintendo DS consoles into every available hole in their badly beaten bodies.

That, or it’ll be a bit boring as usual.

About the author

I'm Mof Gimmers.

I've been writing about TV for a long time. I love it and loathe it in equal measures. I'm pretty sure the TV feels the same away about me too.
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