Live Blog: The X-Factor Series 6 Week 4 aka Between A Rock And A Disgrace

19:57 There’s just an ad break between us and the ROCK WEEK (which because it is going to be just so damn loud must be rendered in capital letters). Only Lloyd is wilfully ignoring the theme with a rendition of Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl. Let’s hope Danni resists making some bizarre comment about gender-bending this time. If you missed last week you can see the results here and find out why I have a death threat pending from the Michael Buble Appreciation Society.

20:03 Tonight’s celebrity mentor is Bon Jovi which means the energy requirements of the studio will have gone through the roof just to power his hairdryer. Louis’ talking up the twins to win the show but to be fair it’s his only remaining act. The producers and Simon will do whatever they can to make sure the Twins get the boot before it gets really serious – what little credibility the show has rests on it.

20:04 ROCK! will only be represented in its loosest most diluted form tonight. Don’t expect any Led Zeppelin or Clash covers. The Darkness introducing Dermot’s walk down shows the direction it’s going in. Apparently, the song choice doesn’t matter as long as its rendered in a rock style. I want to see someone nearly choking on their own vomit or throwing a TV at Louis Walsh or I will not be pleased.

20:06 Cheryl’s wearing a dress that looks like it’s designed to allow her breasts to broadcast satellite messages to space. It’s insane.

20:07 First up is Joe. He’s a blackhole of tedium. He sucks the joy out of my life with his cheeky chappy routine. Cheryl loves him but it’s because he’s a home town boy. Her judgement really is off with him. You forget him within about two seconds of him leaving the stage. “Joe and ROCK is like mouse and tiger,” says Simon. Spot on.

20:08 Oh he’s singing Journey. That’s as soft as rock gets. It’s so soft you could pipe it into ice cream cones. It’s not the worst fit for his voice but he’s about dynamic as lead piping. He’s doing the old trick of going into the crowd. Yawn.

20:11 That was a passable effort and will be enough to keep him in the show but he’s no Rachel (oh Rachel, when will the world realise your genius). Danni loves his voice and says he’s “a star”. She’s easily won the battle of the dresses this week with a nice little off-the-shoulder number. “The little boy has become a man,” says Louis with a twinkle in his eye. Simon praises his consistency but goes on to call it “stage schooly” and attacks the terrible dancers.

20:12 Cheryl says the weird dancers were “contemporary dance”. Simon helps Cheryl avoid a wardrobe malfunction, the satellite boobs were in motion. Expect that to be the tabloid story tomorrow along with some more bullying/relationship tittle tattle.

20:14 Lucie Jones is next up. She’s my second favourite (and yes her looks are a factor. How shallow am I? Very). Her performance last week was great, regardless of what Simon thought. I think she could pull off rock chick but Guns’n’Roses could be a tricky sell.

20:16 Lucie’s making the mistake with Sweet Child O’Mine of singing it without really paying any attention to the lyrics. It’s just words to belt out. Quite like her posh girl goes grunge outfit though – plaid is back folks [says the man sat wearing a red plaid shirt]. The point of the original was the slightly bratty quality of Axl Rose’s vocals. I like Lucie but she can’t do danger.

20:19 Cheryl loves it, Danni loves it, Louis loves it, Simon loves it. I’m clearly in the wrong aren’t I?

20:26 “I’m happy to introduce the first of my three contestants…” says Simon pointedly kicking the words in Louis’s direction. It’s Danyl. Now we’ve got a nice little dramatic segment about Daniel’s battle with the press. Headlines flash up: The Most Hated X-Factor Contestant Ever. “Someone posted on Twitter that I’m more hated than Hitler.” Oh, if Danyl had a Twitter account we’d have another Fry-style controversy on our hands.

20:29 Danyl’s knocked confidence is obvious. He’s messed up some of the lyrics and started quite shakily. He’s come back a bit near the end of the song but it’s still just not that likeable. I understand why the public hasn’t connected with him – he’s like a mannequin that Simon Cowell knocked up in the pop warehouse where he keeps Robson and Jerome in cold storage.

20:31 Danni was disappointed with it. Louis wants the public to give him a second chance. Cheryl thinks Danyl has let his head drop: “You just don’t do it for me”. That’s the phrase no man wants to hear from Cheryl Cole.

Simon thinks people are being unfair to him and that its the tabloids that are effecting him. “You are still, undoubtedly the best singer in the competition,” he tells Danyl. His whole speech is for the public – vote, vote, vote is the message. I do feel sorry for Danyl because he’s being villified, almost as much as the twins. He needs a break.

20:39 Lloyd Daniels seems like a nice boy but Louis is right, he should be a boy band. He really doesn’t have the presence as a solo artist. “Louis would put anyone in a boy band given a chance!” says Cheryl. Louis does a lot of things with boys when he can get the chance. [STOP RIGHT THERE says the legal ed).

20:40 Oh and Lloyd’s doing Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl. That’s just mental. M…e…n…t…a…l. And he sounds like someone is vigorously tugging on his scrotum. Honestly painful.

20:43 Lloyd really belongs as the pretty but stupid one in a boyband with emo band pretensions BUT given his Facebook army, he’ll be safe again.

20:43 Danni felt Lloyd was drowned out. Louis is on his cheating thing again – “oh boo hoo hoo that was a pop song” [that’s not a direct quote]. Simon attacks Louis for banging on about the rules again: “Here are my silly little rules….” Simon attacked Lloyd’s vocals at the start but compliments his song choice and performance. Louis is attacking Simon for creating Robson And Jerome. One word Louis…Westlife! Even Dermot is telling Louis to shut up.

20:46 Stacey Solomon, voice of an angel, demeanor of a  loveable fish wife. “I really don’t know what I’m doing at the moment.” Oh Stace, bit late for that isn’t it?

20:48 Keane? Oh dear. Really? Keane. Oh. I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got. Keane just make me tired and sad with life. Appart from their last album which was camper than Freddie Mercury in arseless chaps.

20:51 Cheryl liked it – more personality next time. Simon: “You walked. I was more impressed with the walking than the singing.” Saucer of milk for table tosspot. Danni loved it (hey, who’s surprised). Louis made some noises and I zoned out a bit. Stacey’s staying in partly for her incredibly loveable chat at the end of her performances.

20:58 Jamie Archer’s next. He’s basically a group isn’t he – him (the frontman) and his backup band (that chuffing big afro).

21:00 You can surround him with strippers all you like Simon, Jamie is still like a strategically shaved Care Bear. His version of Rocks sounds about as dangerous as a paper cut. This is the first performance tonight that genuinely offends me. A good song phoned in by someone who claims to be rock.

21:02 Danni suggests Jamie had planned to do a more contemporary song. Louis says that Jamie’s not a real rocker and brings up Kerrang! and NME. Cheryl is annoyed and suggests that there’s a rock week simply because Simon has a “rock artist”. Simon wants to know if Louis goes into pubs. Louis says he’s always in Dublin’s hostelries. I’ve just asked Ms TV Throng via the medium of the Internet to confirm or disprove this.

And does Louis read NME and Kerrang!? The mind boggles.

21:05 Still to come Jedward. Oh. My. Lord. Also: why have we seen nothing from Bon Jovi today? I thought he was meant to mentoring. Did he have nothing to say?

21:07 Or did he just keep telling everyone that they gave love a bad name or that they were half way there. Um…oh…forget it.

21:11 According to Ms TV Throng, Louis does go in pubs in Dublin, particularly The George (which will mean something to you if you know Dublin’s more flamboyant scenes).

21:12 Rachel’s up next. She’s cracking. Hope she stays out of the bottom two again this week.

21:13 I think she just winked at the camera but I may just have hallucinated that. I don’t really care for U2 or One as a song in particular and I can’t really tell if this is a good performance or a little bit off. Might have to wait for the judges to pass…well…judgement this time. My objectivity is clouded by my Rachel fandom. Her hair and dress look (as my more flaming gay friends might have it) FIERCE. She’s still my pick to win. It’ll be a journey!

21:15 Louis says it was “emotional and soulful”. Thumbs up from the leprechaun. Cheryl says she likes her voice best out of the girls. Louis was pro. Simon says Danni is trying to turn Rachel into her – that’s a bit Hitchcock. Simon also thinks it was “a bit caberet”. Danni just screams the word “amazing” and burbles.

21:18 Here come John and Edward, those terrible little tits. Simon is petrified they’ll win. I think the British public could do that as a joke. Jedward are doing “the ultimate rock move”. Dying at 27? The vomit choking thing? Shooting up on stage?

21:20 They’re doing We Will Rock You…the 5ive version. That’s like being able to put the Mona Lisa on your wall and opting for a reproduction drawn by a toddler. It’s not that bad in terms of performance because they pretty much just have to shout and the ultimate rock move? Seems to be the boys being lifted up by their dancers which is…OK.

21:21 There’s pyro onstage. How come James Hetfield had to be burnt but John and Edward have been spared? God works in irritating ways.

21:22 Pantomine boos from the crowd but you have to say they at least enjoy themselves. And really put the effort in.

21:23 Danni says it was “scary” and says they lost track of the lyrics. “Listen to the song!”

Cheryl liked the performance and the outfits. I think she just wants them for pets.

“Night of the living dead…singing Queen out of tune…probably destroying Queen’s reputation for good.” No, Simon, a little fellow called Ben Elton’s already done that.

Louis on the “they’re entertaining” argument again. Some people think bear baiting is entertaining, it’s still not right.

21:25 To close the show…Ollie. Oh well.

21:31 Oh…Ollie’s doing Come Together by The Beatles. These reality shows should be banned from doing Beatles songs. Those tinny backing tracks are rancid.

And Ollie is just stumbling around the rough outline of the melody. I honestly need this to stop. I think I might be developing some kind of brain disorder simply from having to listen to Ollie trip through this.

21:33 “He’s got oooh-noo sideboard…” It’s “Ono sideboard” you cretin! As in Yoko Ono. Someone should have at least played him the original before he tripped all over a classic.

21:34 And the open shirt thing he just did (bursting it open), made me nearly lose my dinner.

Cheryl liked it. Louis liked it. I’m confused by Ollie’s Hitler hairdo. Danni like it. And Simon was all over it with praise.

21:37 It’s recap time and we’ll (hopefully) be back tomorrow for the results and live performances from Bon Jovi and JLS. Oh joy.

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