Live blog: The X Factor Series 6 Week 5

19:43 Fifteen minutes until this week’s cavalcade of movie song perfomances, fake controversy between the judges and Jedward sliming someone in the face (Simon “Someone” Cowell, I suspect). Frankly, I very nearly didn’t turn up tonight after the public failed to vote for my beloved Rachel. I hope she becomes the British Rhianna – she’s got the haircut already – but you know, without the lashings of domestic violence. I’m shifting my loyalty to Lucie.


Olly with take Twist And Shout and twist it into something utterly unrecognisable.

Jamie’s Crying will be passable but as Louis has said before, pub singer-like.

Danyl will do a version of Prince’s Purple Rain that will make girls swoon and me gag.

Joe will do a seriously schmaltzy version of the Circle of Life, more sugary than Elton John could ever have imagined.

Lloyd will redefine the word “average” performing Stand By Me.

Stacey will do a pretty decent Dusty impression doing Son of a Preacher Man but will spoil it by talking in her real voice immediately afterwards.

Disappointingly, Lucie is singing a song from 2008’s Camp Rock, which is hardly a classic of the movie music genre.

John and Edward
will do an entertainly awful version of the Ghostbusters Theme and take their sparring with Cowell up a level.

20:02 Louis hopes Simon does leave the competition if Jedward win. It’s not such an unlikely prospect is it?

Movie week should be fun but I’m sure it’s also going to be seriously painful. If Jedward to a crotch thrust on the “bustin’ makes me feel good” line, I’m kicking in my telly.

20:03 Is it me or does Dermot get more lifeless every week? Oh and he doesn’t know how to say respite.

20:04 The judges come on to the Star Wars theme. I think they should play the Imperial March whenever Simon talks.

20:05 First up, it’s Stacey Solomon. Body from Baywatch, voice from Romford, face from Primark.

20:06 “This week we got to go to the world premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol…” Boy, it’s an advertorial for A Christmas Carol. Stacey has only just watched Pulp Fiction. “It was a bit…um…bloody and that.”

20:07 Cheryl, X-Factor’s resident expert on sexy, doesn’t think Stacey has it in here. I could do a cheap “has it in her” pun here but I’m clearly above that.

20:08 Stacey’s doing pretty well. Ms TV Throng declares: “She’s my new favourite…” Apart from Daniel that is, who she has a bit of a thing for. I have a think for Daniel too, it’s a two-by-four with a nail hammered into it.

20:09 Just noticed that Danni’s back in her old seat. There’s that controversy done.

Louis talking bollocks. He didn’t like it. Cheryl’s done a sexy u-turn, she thinks Stacey pulled it off. Simon says it was “a typical talent show performance” and compares it to the insubstantial quality of a Chinese meal. Stacey answers back. She may be my new favourite (especially as Lucie’s song choice is terrible). Simon thinks Stacey’s vulnerable. Danni says he’s out of touch. I think she’s right.

20:11 Dear Dermot, you’re flirting with the female contestants is about as convincing as watching Charles Hawtree playing Alfie.

20:12 Ollie has a potato face. That’s all I’ve got. He has a potato for a head.

20:17 The “incredible Ollie Murs”? He abused the Beatles last week and now he’s going to diddle all over one of the songs that they memorably covered. What’s next? Dressing up like John Lennon and cracking on to Yoko Ono?

Simon says he’s picked the song because he loves Ferris Bueller’s Day Out. I think Simon thinks of himself as a bit of a Ferris.

Ollie says he’s going to “make the song his own”. How about you just sing it properly?

20:19 Ollie’s performance makes Ms TV Throng leave the room in disgust. She said it far betrer than I could with words. Her comment on returning to the room? “I hate what he does with his fingers.” No, I have no idea what that means either.

20:21 I’m sure Ollie’s a lovely bloke yaddah yaddah but he must go this week. This wholesale abuse of popular musical history has to end.

20:22 “Everybody likes you…” says Louis. Whenever he says something nice like that, it’ll go nasty next. He says Simon picked a bad song and he didn’t like the dancing.

Danni said something was missing and that Ollie didn’t seem to believe in the song. And she didn’t like the movie inspired dance routine. Cheryl wants him to sing something modern. Cover of Fight For This Love next week. Simon differs to the audience. They like him. Well, they’d like bear baiting if we put that on ITV1.

20:25 Lloyd Daniels – the cute little blonde one, he’s for teenage girls and gay men. Oh and that sore throat guff last week? It was a strategy.

“This week, we all went to the world premiere of Disney’s Christmas Carol.” Always the same words, you can tell a Disney PR was stood behind the camera.

20:26 Oh dear.

This is just offensive. He’s so out of his depth. Ben E King had a voice as rich as chocolate cake. This is like being given a bag of those broken biscuits they sell on the market. Oh and now it’s gone into some kind of club remix section. No, just no, OK.

Did you spot the obligatory shot of Simon and Cheryl arguing?

20:29 Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth. Exactly. Sometimes Louis is like an idiot savant.

Danni’s going technical talking about his treatment of the notes. It’s her “I’m a proper singer”.

Simon says it was nice “like having tea with your mum”. Oh, he’s in trouble with Ma Cowell now.

He liked the dancey, youth bit.

Cheryl is kicking off on Simon: “That’s unfair.” This is the moment designed to be on the page’s of Dan Wooton’s News Of The World gossip column tomorrow – Simon and Cheryl clash.

20:37 Last week was a “tough week” claims Jamie. He was really plain and boring.

We see him at the premiere “I actually feel famous”. Oh here comes the egomania.

20:28 Simon has changed Jamie’s song again. The movie Crying appears in is Gummo (Louis wants to know who’s heard of it?). Well, anyone who knows Harmony Korine is really.

20:39 He makes me feel queasy. It’s just totally inauthentic. He’s a good singer but it just doesn’t get beneath the service.

20:41 Louis is back on his “Simon breaks the rules” trip again. It’s very boring. Simon isn’t cheating. Someone send Louis the IMDB link. Danni gets us back on track by saying he did well and got past the pub rocker thing.

Cheryl says ditching Unchained Melody was a good idea and that the song is “cheesy”. Simon says: “We’d have based it on the U2 version. Look at Youtube, sweetheart, it’s not cheesy.” Oh handbags. Ms TV Throng has it right, these tabloid fodder arguments are BORING.

20:48 Here comes Lucie – hubbah hubbah etc. Ms TV Throng looking unimpressed.

“We went to the premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol…” Really? You went to where? To do what? Really? Oh thanks Disney PR. “Is there anything more boring than footage of people stood at a premiere?” says Ms TV Throng. Exactly. Give the girl a column.

As I’ve said, Lucie’s doing a song from Camp Rock which came out last year and featured the Jonas Bros. That has instantly put me off.

20:51 This is bland. She’s going to be in the bottom two. I hope she’s not but it’s the kind of vapid soft-rock with Christian overtones.

20:53 Louis thinks Lucie will be the last girl standing. High praise.

Cheryl thought the song choice was good because it fitted her but she thinks she should loosen up. That’s fair. But then, that’s what Cheryl does, fair.

Simon says she’s “made herself relevant”.

20:55 Lucie’s started talking like Stacie. Odd. I might take back that “bottom two” statement. I’m probably wrong, I usually am.

20:56 Danyl’s reinvigorated according to Simon. He took a kicking last week, fairly. “I’ve been given a second chance by the public,” he says all dewey eyed.

“We went to the premiere…” Oh, look there was some kind of premiere this week.

20:57 “I’m sure he’ll do a big long note at the end but I’m over it…” Oh Cheryl, you’re so right.

20:58 He’s sitting in the pose that choreographers call “Intense Popstar With Piles”. Nope, he’s up and out of that the “Brooding Boy Pose #3”. I have lapsed into Raging Journo #1.

“They should have the band on stage. Having them on their own is so artificial.” Ladies and gentlemen, the wisdom of Ms TV Throng once again.

20:59 It was an excellent performance, it’s just…I don’t know…I just hate his face.

21:00 Louis loves him. “If we’re judging on vocal ability, you’ve got it all.” Dannii likes his new Justin Timberlake style haircut. She’s also talking technical again. Listen to her singles and see if she took her own advice. Cheryl likes that he’s lost his cockiness but isn’t a broken man anymore. Simon wants to remind us that Danyl is “outstanding”. Oh, here comes his “this is a singing competition” riff. Twice a week, every week.

21:07 News from the X-Factor audience: Jedward have a ghostmobile.

21:10 Louis: “John and Edward put the fun factor into X-factor”. John and Edward put the excruciating into X-Factor.

“We went to a movie premiere…” Seriously, stop now.

“People call us Jedward, it’s like Brangelina…” Oh God, are they going to start adopting African babies?

“Gordon Brown and Simon Cowell have something in common – neither of them know what the public wants.” Nice work Louis. Second career as a parliamentary sketch writer?

21:11 There’s monsters, ghosts, the entire production. Including the twins having been sat in a Ghost Mobile. It is hardly fair that Jedward get such a lavish amount of budget. There’s even a Staypuff Marshmallow Man. Lots of booing from the crowd but they will stay. People find them entertaining and Cowell knows his feud with them must continue. I think he will make them into star with Louis.

Dannii: “It’s a singing compeition – you either talk or rap.” She’s just dejected, having to talk to them.

Cheryl admits that it’s fun to watch. From 3 to 10, kids adore them, she says. Classic damned with faint praise.

21:13 Hang on, Simon’s sort of positive. “This was a good song for you. This was…sort of…good.” This is the bit where we get a story about Simon changing his mind. He even tells them “well done”. Hilarious…

21:14 Louis’s doing his bizarrely literal comments: “You’re brothers, you’re two guys…” and apparently he seems to believe they’ll solve the economic problems.

Dermot wants to know how they feel. “You just go for it,” says one or other of them.

Will they get to the final? “We still need your support,” they say electioneering for it.

21:16 The press was saying that Jedward would get the closing slot tonight but they haven’t, it’s “Geordie Joe”, aka Cheryl’s weird little stepchild.

21:21 Joe took a bit of a kicking last week but his Journey cover wasn’t that bad. His eyes are scary though. Oh and guess what? He went to a film premiere this week.

“It was like being an A-List celebrity…” Except without the money, the good looks or the talent.

21:23 Joe wants to be a popstar. I think he’ll be third understudy in a Mamma Mia regional touring production by next summer.

21:24 It’s the Circle OF Life and Joe has some kind of unnecessary cane with him. The stage show is the full bifta – enough dry ice to choke an elephant and lots of African drumming and dancers. It is musical theatre. The nans will love it.

21:26 Louis just doesn’t think Joe is a popstar or can be one. Dannii says that rich given John and Edward but they are pop. Dannii thinks he’s the strongest male vocalist in the show. Now that’s just not true. Simon didn’t like Joe’s “stage show swaying” and he obviously doesn’t think he’s the best male singer in the competition. Cheryl: “You’re starting to seem like a little brother to me.” She will be gutted when he goes.

Now Louis and Dermot are arguing: “I’m a judge! I’m a judge! You’re just a presenter.”

Simon wants to know why Louis has insulted the PM and the public. “Apologise!” Oh there’s another story for tomorrow. Gordon Brown will get asked what he thought of being insulted by Louis Walsh. Still, I’m sure he’d prefer that to why he buggered up the economy.

21:31 Who will stay? Who will go? You decide. But hey, I’m not voting. I’m in mourning for Rachel.


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