Mormons Can't Dance (Or: How I Reviewed An Audience With Donny and Marie)

Last night was terrible for TV. There’s was pretty much nothing worth reviewing. In such instances, people like me tend to go for the show that looks like it might be so bad, that it bends in on itself to turn somehow good.

Scouring the listings, I saw An Audience With Donny and Marie (ITV1). ITV are really fond of these Audience(s) With… aren’t they? They wheel out some has-been and let them loose on a live audience of super-fans and minor celebrities. Last night was no different.

Never in my life did I think I’d see such a fine selection of TV no-marks in one room together.

We had: Chris Eubank, Christian from Eastenders, Biggins, Tony Blackburn, Craig Bag O’Revels from Strictly Come Dancing, Dom from The One Show, Kriss Akabusi, The Nolans, Linda Lusardi, Fizz from Corrie, Paul Ross, Gary Rhodes, Gloria Hunniford, Sian Lloyd, Kim Woodburn, Gillian Taylforth, Kay Burley, Alison Hammond from Big Brother 3, Linda Robson, Carol Malone, Nana Myskow, Max Clifford and a gaggle of mental 40 year old women screaming and pumping their fists at every single leg twitch from Donny.

It must be what heaven looks like.

Of course, up front, we had the weirdest Brother/Sister singing act. They sang love songs to each other, which made a wave of uncomfortableness surge through me. They didn’t just stick to love songs either… no… they took on some black civil rights funk too. All mixed together with some woefully hammy comedy routines and knowing winks.

The whole thing felt like being on a cruise ship. We watched the cabaret with a full belly… but also felt sea-sick and trapped amongst idiots. As such, I think ITV should pitch these shows as a cheap alternative to a holiday.

All the fun of a cruise without ever leaving your sofa.

The Osmond siblings sang, grinned, horsed around and, proved that Mormons can’t jump with a dismal dance off. Marie was 100% Vegas while Donny Osmond was David Hasselhoff without the acting career.

When people say “They don’t make ’em like they used to…”, point them in the direction of this horseshit and simply say “Thank fuck for that.”

About the author

I'm Mof Gimmers.

I've been writing about TV for a long time. I love it and loathe it in equal measures. I'm pretty sure the TV feels the same away about me too.
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