The X Factor Series 6 Episode 6 (aka DO Stop Them Now)

19:36 Twenty-five minutes until Queen week and the elves at TV Throng headquarters are still in a rage about the loss of Lucie in favour of the Jedward. Simon’s been under-fire all week and has promised to explain his decision this week – will he just plead insanity?

Predictions:

John and Edward‘s Under Pressure with a smattering of Ice Ice Baby will rely on the production to hide the true horror of their performance again but a fire-wielding Phoenix in the shape of Freddie Mercury will appear to strike them down. Alright, wishful thinking…

Joe singing Somebody To Love just won’t be convincing, neither will Lloyd with Crazy Little Thing Called Love. They’re just too neutered to capture the twinkle in the eye that Freddie Mercury brought to those songs.

Stacey performing Who Wants To Live Forever is the first great song choice of the night. She’ll give it some welly.

Danyl will handle We Are The Champions well but I fear that Jamie’s performance of Radio Ga Ga will reveal how anaemic and pub rock his “rocker” style performances are.

Olly Murs, the man with the potato for a head, will make me wish Don’t Stop Me Now was actually called, I Am Going To Stop Now.

Brian May and Roger Taylor will manage to diminish Queen’s legacy more than Ben Elton’s ever managed.

20:01 Saving Jedward last night was so calculated that it’s actually a total disgrace. I do think they should probably shouldn’t have talked about it on Question Time though. Unless Brown’s thinking of sticking Jedward into his cabinet. They’d still be better than Harriet Harman.

20:04 One Vision as the intro music for Dermot. His vision? Something bland probably…

20:05 “Tonight they tackle music from one of this country’s crown jewels…” and tarniish them.

20:06 The judges are introduced by Theme From Flash Gordon, that IS a tune. The only upside of tonight will be these brief moments of hearing original versions of Queen tracks.

20:07 Simon’s making his explanation. First up he’s attacking Sting for calling the contestants “karaoke no hopers”. He says the show has given people a shot. He’s just invited Sting to come on the show and give his opinions.

Now he’s explaining the Jedward decision. He reminds us he’s thrown some of his contestants in the past. Yes Simon but you had taken weeks to slag Jedward. “I trust the public…” Really? Really? REALLY?

20:09 “This week we went to the Dominion Theatre…” That’ll be this week’s version of “we went to a film premiere…”

“Freddie Mercury was the lead singer of Queen.” Boy, I’m glad Jamie’s giving us a history lesson.

20:10 Cheryl says she fears Jamie will try to do a Freddie tribute act. I hope he’s opted for the chaps. At least we’ll get a laugh then.

20:11 I feel like I’m listening to a karaoke singer’s performance piped through a transistor radio. He’s singing it like a power-ballad. The backing track is seriously supporting him.

20:13 Simon liked it and it looks like Danni did too. “You really know how to get the crowd going…” Cheryl thinks his hair should have been bigger. And Louis says the hair is big but the voice is small. He’s correct. The rest of the judges don’t agree but they’re wrong. Jamie plays to the crowd: “Those guys count!”

20:20 “Ooooh, I’m Lloyd, I am sooooo Welsh.”

Lloyd: “I didn’t know who Queen were. I wasn’t born until the ’90s.” And you want to be a singer? Good gravy.

20:22 Lloyd looks like a poor innocent boy who’s been kidnapped by the para-military wing of Spearmint Rhino. Put him next sexy stripper style dancers and he just seems like a sixth former who took a wrong turn.

20:24 The panel will now tell us Lloyd is brilliant. They have clearly got waxy build-up in their ears or acid in their water jug. Danni: “You’ve arrived…” Louis: “Much improved…” Oh here comes the bump in the road. Simon: “You’re like a puppy taking part in the Grand National…but it was better than last week.” Cheryl: “It was lovely to watch you this week, you’ve come into your own.”

20:26 “Get ready for the hips! Essex boy Ollie,” says Dermot. In a parallel universe I’m the compere: “Get ready for the face, the big big potato face.”

20:31 OK, here comes Ollie. I promise I’ll give him a chance.

At the start of the week he cracked his knuckle so he’s wearing a sling. A little excessive…

Brian May: “He really got something out of that song…”

The cast on his arm is an excuse. TV Throng’s resident medical expert smells a rat.

20:34 “Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time…” sung by Ollie in a way that sounds like he’s actually going to pop some Xanax and throw himself off a bridge. But it’s perked up now with some unnecessary body popping moves. Oh Friedman, your choreographing little scamp.

Good point from TV Throng’s elder statesman: why do some performers get loads of production (Ollie tonight, Jedward everytime) while others just get a couple of dancers. Seems unfair.

20:35 I have to admit that Ollie has set the standard tonight. Bit flat to start with but the performance and vocal is good. He’s safe.

20:36 Danni thinks he’s the best performer in the show by far. Nice. But “musically, the song swallowed up the vocals.” Louis loved it. It was the hip gyration that did it for him I suspect. Cheryl looks forward to seeing him each week: “You’re in here for the long haul.” Simon is obviously ecstatic: “For once I agree with Louis. You are reminding me of Robbie Williams…” Must. resist. fat. dancer. jibe.

20:39 Joe is a professional little cheeky chappy and has he mentioned that he and Cheryl are from the same area. Oh, he has? Really? What every week within seconds of appearing on screen? Oh yeah, I remember.

The Queen shills like him.

20:40 “This is a big big song,” says Simon. Oh lordy…

20:41 I see, Joe gets a big production too, a massive choir on either side of him.

He’s singing it well but it’s musical theatre rather than rock. He’s a shoe-in for a part in We Will Rock You and for a kicking from Louis.

20:43 Joe did a long note at the end of his song last week and that worked so this week it’s lots of long notes for him to show off with. He did well but he just leaves me cold.

20:44 Danni loves him. She’s just a bit of a cougar isn’t she. She wants a buffet made up of Joe, Lloyd and Daniel.

20:44 Louis is on about the rules again, criticising the use of the choirs. This from the man who slathers Jedward in so many dancers you almost miss them on stage. Wind your stubby neck in Louis.

20:51 John and Edward. Oh I don’t know what I can say about them anymore.

Simon: “There’s something about these two, they’ve won me over a little bit…” I think Simon might be losing his mind.

20:53 Under Pressure. They’re dressed in bizarre silver suits and jump into Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. I actually don’t think they’re singing it that badly.

20:56 In a bizarre twist, I found that entertaining. But Louis was cheating by putting Ice Ice Baby in there. Not Queen.

20:57 “So Louis, the rulebook…” Danni is not impressed with Louis twisting the rules. “So there’s Louis’s rules and everyone else’s rules.”

No boos from the crowd. Is the tide turning?

Cheryl reminds us that they are just 17 and are entertaining. Oh Cole, you are so wise.

20:58 Simon: “I can’t judge you in the real world anymore. I have to judge you in Jedward Land and there, that was your best performance. There’s no point in me getting angry or serious about this. You’ve conducted yourself very well in this competition…” Simon just remembered that he created Zig and Zag.

Louis mentions someone jumping up from the crowd onto the stage. I missed it while I was typing but heyho, the tabloids will go absolutely mad for the story tomorrow.

21:06 Stacey is my favourite now. She’s insane and she deserves to win it.

Brian and Roger love her. For once I agree with them.

21:09 Stacey just put on a show stealingly good performance. The only singer of the night who truly did their song justice. No frills. It was amazing.

Louis loved it: “Vote for Stacey!”

Cheryl: “That was absolutely stunning.”

Simon: “I will always, always be honest with you. That was BY A MILE the best performance of the night.” And the crowd goes wild…

Danni: “You’ve made so proud. You’ve grown into a woman overnight…” Oh Christ Danni, she’s a mother for god’s sake. She’s not a teenage idiot.

21:17 Dannyl just LOVES himself. Simon thinks its the “I’ve been knocked down” lyric is what does it for Dannyl. He needs to find the middle ground. I’d say – try human.

21:19 Danyl looks like a cartoon raccoon. But if you want a reasonable comment, TV Throng’s elder statesman says he sounds the same every week. True that. It sounds anaemic not anthemic.

21:20 Why does he need to split “curtain call” into “curtain ca-all-all”.

21:21 Danni thinks it was his best performance in the live shows. Cue his fake “surprised face”. Louis thinks he’s “got it al”. Cheryl was “won over” and she thinks he looks “really handsome” (looking for an Ashley replacement?)

21:24 Right, voting now open. I don’t want to influence you but Seriously Think About Counting Everything You’ve heard.

21:26 PS. Calvin Harris was the stage invader and is banned from Xtra Factor now too. Nice one Calvin.

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Pale writer type currently on the run from the mainstream media.
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