The X Factor Series Six Episode Seven: The Results

19:59 Evening X-Factorinos, sorry for not joining you for Wham! night but I’ve spent the afternoon catching up and getting ready for decision time tonight. Here at Throng Towers we’d love to see a) Louis stop banging on about rules and b) Danyl to get the boot. He was flat last night and we honestly can’t face looking at his smug face any longer. But hey, that’s just our opinion.

Tonight’s musical guests: Susan Boyle and Mariah Carey. Would love to see the backstage conversation between those two.

20:03 What do you think they’ll have dressed SuBo up as? And can Mariah really be happy sharing a bill with her? Oh so many questions.

And, of course, it’s the last final showdown of the series. Next week it’ll be down to the…dun dun duh…Final Five.

20:05 It’s the group performance…sigh. They’re doing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go and as usual I feel like I’ve been put into a punishment camp run by sadistic Butlins’ guards. I suspect we have to endure this every week to sell more tickets for the roadshow of mediocrity known as The X Factor: Live Tour.

20:07 The X-Factor charity single is number one. “It never stops amazing me, the generosity of the public,” says Simon. I think they should have just forked over some cash and saved the environment from a pile of unwanted CD singles. Oh and for all this talk of the songs of “the great George Michael,” nobody’s mentioned poor old Andrew Ridgley – Justice For The Wham! One.

20:10 “I feel like I’m back in the 80s,” says one or other of Jedward. What a foetus?

20:13 Here comes Susan Boyle. Nice bit of black and white, pathos laden footage of Boyle’s journey. It’s still a great story despite the unpleasantness that followed her second place finish in Britain’s Got Talent.

20:14 Boyle’s in black and giving us her version of Wild Horses. Far too much slap but she’s bringing out the inherent sadness of the original.

20:20 SuBo’s also stil incredibly uncomfortable doing interviews. I really hope they look after her properly on this promo tour. She’s super-vulnerable.

20:23 Lines are now closed!

Also: I was disappointed that even though it was George Michael night last night, no one fell asleep stoned in their car. Where’s the imagination!

20:24 Tonight, Danni and Louis could get knocked out. But I don’t think they will. If Stacey isn’t in the final, the competition is a total joke.

20:27 You may speculate on SuBo’s mental state but to be fair, there’s only one truly mad person on tonight’s show and her name is Mariah. Also, I Wanna Know What Love Is?, have they run out of original songs for Mimi to vocally batter?

20:30 Mariah roughed that song up like it owed her money.

20:35 Will we ever be told what the hell “bright-dancing” is?

20:26 Right, time for the results. Activate “serious face” please Dermot.

20:37 Stacey’s back next week. Fantastic.

20:38 Oh, so’s Danyl. That’s a shame.

John & Edward and Ollie are going to battle it out. This will be awesome tabloid fodder tomorrow. Especially if Ollie goes.

John & Edward are doing Boyzone. Ollie’s doing Clapton. I’d quite like John & Edward to stay because…well…imagine Simon’s face.

20:45 John & Edward are entertaining but can they seriously do No Matter What?

20:46 Nope, they can’t. They’re so off key, they’ve stumbled into tune in an alternate dimension.

20:48 I still want them to stay. Ollie is bland.

20:50 Olly looks like a badly painted Easter Egg. Wonderful Tonight is one of Clapton’s blandest songs and Olly manage to make it ultra-bland, like he smothered it in a brand new element that just sucks the interest out of the world leaving a blackhole made of MOR radio transmissions.

20:51 Simon’s sending Jedward home. But he’s being nice: “If you go home tonight, I’m actually going to miss you.”

20:52 Cheryl’s sending Jedward home.

Louis can’t believe Lloyd is still here and Olly’s in the bottom two.

20:53 It’s down to Danni. If she chooses Olly, it’s deadlock. She wants to know: “Is this a singing competition we’re voting on?” Oh just answer the question Danni. She’s obviously going to send John & Edward home. Jedward are out!

20:55 “Olly deserved to go through,” as usual Jedward treated the result with utter dignity. I think they’ll have a nice little presenting career and making huge fistfuls of cash. Goodbye, Ant and Dec?

20:56 From next week: two songs from each artist and only the public vote counts. Now it gets really interesting. Also: Rhianna’s on next week!

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