The X Factor: The confounding and cackling monster event (Or: Lucie gets the chop)

Just when you think you’ve got the measure of The X Factor, it turns on you and bites your hand.

This weekend saw the usual mix of pleasing and preposterous and then sucker punched an entire viewing nation. The show is a writhing monster of an event which sees people foaming with confused, giddy glee… leaving everyone else to fill up entire pages of social networking sites with hackneyed vents about How Terrible It All Is.

The fact is, in The X Factor, we have a show that no-one is able to stop talking about.

This weekend showed (once again) why the franchise is an all encompassing TV behemoth. Like many, I assumed that Lloyd was a dead-cert to end in the bottom two. I thought this by virtue of the fact that he’s staggeringly boring. His voice is less interesting than party political broadcast and he looks like the default of a Create Your Own Character on a computer game.

Yet, like a whimpering puppy trembling at a raised belt loop, the public seemingly awwwwed him in to the next show. Weirder still that Whatshisface was kept in at the behest of Lucie.

Lucie, clearly pretty and clearly able to sing in tune, was something of a hot-tip for me. I realise that I’ve just made a pun that implies onanism, but mercifully for you I actually meant that I imagined her still being around for the last two shows.

After JamieAfro did the only thing he knows how, Stacey got ‘sexed up’ (admittedly in a completely charming and sexless way), Joe completed his audition to end up as the lead in Jospeh, Chicago or Grease (aka The wasteland for failed reality TV stars) and Olly ‘We Didn’t Need One Daniel Merriweather, Who On Earth Thinks We Need Another One?’ Murs shaked his mumps to ‘Twist And Shout’, we were left with John and Edward… a most modern phenomenon.

This week, they wrecked the Ghostbusters car by performing Ray Parker Jr.’s famous theme and added their own words, which meant shouting “SCARY!” and “DON’T BE SUCH A BABY EDWARD!” between lines. They were treated to a dancing Stay-Puft Marshmallow man and we were spared the scene in Ghostbusters where Ray gets sucked off by a poltergeist. As for the latter… watch it again… it actually happens.

As such, the Bottom Two consisted of Lucie and Jedward. Simon, with panto villain ease, threw the scraps to the public and it was only ever going to go one way. As such, Lucie was sent packing in a flurry of tears and I was left stunned. Not because I expected John and Edward to go, but rather, I still couldn’t believe that anyone had even remembered Lloyd was in the show to vote for him.

This has made me think that I Don’t Know The Show At All, which is fun. Like Banzai, I’ve found I spend most of my time making outlandish guesses… Who Will Sing What Next Week? Who Will Win? Who Will Be In The Vote-Off? Who Will Louis Have A Mini-Nervous Breakdown At Next?

One thing that is now in my head is that, should Jedward actually go and win this thing, by a waft of a sarcastic hand of the British public, surely once they’ve landed the crown, everyone will immediately become bored of them because there’s no-one left to irritate by talking about them. As a practical joke, writ-large, no-one actually wants them to have a successful pop career… do they?

This means that they’ll be built up and their weird little bubble will be popped and just as they waddle free to embrace the Great British public just in time for everyone to turn their backs. “Sorry? Oh, I remember you. You were our tool to annoy everyone, but we’ve got stuff to do now… best of luck and all that.”

How they’ll react to this is anyone’s guess. I’m thinking it’ll probably end in tears and, more likely, annual gigs at student unions during fresher’s week.

Until that moment comes, we can sit around Tweeting and ranting and whooping like sleep deprived howler monkeys on a sugar rush for a couple of hours every weekend. The X Factor has got a claw in every single one of us… apart from the mules amongst you, rooted in your field and hee-hawing at your Snow Patrol albums.

About the author

I'm Mof Gimmers.

I've been writing about TV for a long time. I love it and loathe it in equal measures. I'm pretty sure the TV feels the same away about me too.
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