Come Dine With Me Christmas Special 2009 shines a light on idiocy

The celebrity specials of Come Dine With Me (Channel 4) are usually exercises in hating absolutely everyone involved. Last night, I sat down completely prepared to do exactly that.

Looking at the line-up of David Gest, Hannah Waterman, Diarmuid Gavin and Sherrie Hewson – I figured I’d be pretty much down with finding something to hate about all of them… except maybe Diarmuid who seems like a nice enough bloke.

From the show’s opening seconds, everything felt familiar. I began to grind my teeth with uncontrollable irritation thanks to Hannah Waterman (who, unfortunately for her, is starting to look like her dad, Dennis ‘The Minder’ Waterman).

She started to play the ‘I Hate All Celebrities Because I’m A Real Person Me… Watch Me Say Off Hand And Irreverent Things About Them’ card early on. Instead of warming to her, my blood started to foam out of my tear-ducts. I wanted to slap her round her weird head.

David Gest meanwhile is a walking target of camp. By design, he’s irritating. He’s your archetypal Hollywood Jew. His Old Testament is pointed at with a flashing neon sign surrounded by pictures of him with more famous and more talented people. He drops more names than Rafa Benitez does in his daft squad rotation system… AND his eyes are also on the side of his head like some weird piranha-human hybrid.

However.

Just when you’re all ready to slap equal hate on a bunch of celebrities, one comes along so insultingly idiotic and hateful that the rest suddenly become almost saintly.

Step forward Sherrie Hewson.

Sherrie Hewson, who played the loveable love interest of Reg Holdsworth in Corrie, managed to make me so angry last night that I have ruptured tendons in my face and neck from grimacing (ironically enough, leaving me looking exactly like David Gest).

The levels of idiocy, pickiness, snidery and plain hatefulness on show last night made entire continents throw themselves into the sea to escape the hideousness of such a walking disaster area.

She’s like a ten-year old girl with an over-active bile gland with a face like a boiled owl. The only thing we saw her thrill at was some jelly… oh… and some reindeer, which saw her chirrup “Are they real?” They were clearly real! The were moving and had people stood behind them with reindeer handlers tattooed across their faces in luminous ink.

She then revealed a phobia of walnuts… and an allergy to absolutely everything she’d not made herself. She gave Waterman a book on the menopause and was, without question, the most ungrateful guest you could ever have the misfortune to invite to your house.

The only respite I got was when the time came for everyone to eat her food ’round her house. Peevishly, whilst she blankly stared into space, they all legged it down the pub for a quick snifter… twice. The second time, coming back with a pizza from a takeaway. Cue puppydog eyes from Sherrie to claim innocence, which has clearly worked on sleb brain-donors in the past. Not this time.

Her final fling was to lob a Christmas pudding on the floor and generally give off the impression that she should never be allowed anywhere near a sharp object ever again for fear of hearing her weep as she tries to pluck scissors from her throat, not aware that they weren’t for eating. Besides, she’s probably allergic to stainless steel or something.

By the close of the show, I was gobsmacked at just how much I hated this woman. Sure, I already disliked her because she’s one of the oxygen theives from Loose Woman… but boy… after last night, I might actually start a very real vendetta.

I’ve already made a wax effigy of her and am going to brave the shops to buy some pins later. Come Dine With Me?

Humbug.

About the author

I'm Mof Gimmers.

I've been writing about TV for a long time. I love it and loathe it in equal measures. I'm pretty sure the TV feels the same away about me too.
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