The X-Factor Series 6 Semi-Final aka Let's Go Wacko, It's Jacko

19:50 Evening X-Factorinos, I’ve been in a non-X-Factor time zone for two weeks but I flew back when I heard it was Michael Jackson week. Expect inappropriate comments from Louis, Joe looking doe-eyed and Simon laying in to Stacey.

This week’s songs:

Danyl (who is getting more insufferable with every week) is opting for Man In The Mirror as his Jacko song and Whitney Houston’s I Have Nothing as his second song (you took the words out of my mouth).

Olly seems to have got over his chest-hair bearing problem and is singing Can You Feel It and Stevie Wonder’s version of We Can Work It Out.

Joe “He’s-From-The-Same-Place-As-Cheryl-Cole-You-Know” McElderry is going for She’s Out Of My Life and Open Arms by Journey (um…OK).

Stacey (who is apparently suffering with infected wisdom teeth) is singing The Way You Make Me Feel and Something from West Side Story.

While TV Throng HQ is putting its full backing behind Stacey, my little birdie at X-Factor HQ tells me Simon’s pushing for Joe to win. Let’s all just agree on one thing – please don’t let it be Danyl.

20:02 One good thing about hitting the semi-finals is that we’ve only got a few more weeks of bloody Brightdancing left.

20:03 “Tonight the competition is on…” says Joe. Oh Joe, what were you doing the rest of the time. All of the contestants quotes in the exciting opening montage are utterly moronic. I suspect someone is showing them cards with words scrawled on them in crayon.

20:04 Reality show maths. 100% is never enough. 150% or you’re just not bloody trying.

20:05 “…fighting for a place in the final.” If they’d do that with brass knuckles…well, imagine the viewing figures.

20:06 “Tonight, we play tribute to the legend, Michael Jackson…” If none of the semi-finalists incorporate dangling a baby out of a window into their dance routine, I will not be impressed.

20:07 Cheryl vs Danni dress watch: Danni in red, Cheryl in black and white looking half-dressed.

20:08 Quick montage to remind us who Michael Jackson was. Looks like it was edited by someone with serious attention issues. The changing skin tone is almost strobing.

20:08 Simon pays tribute to Michael Jackson and sucks up to Janet. Says it’s the worst night to go out but that he’s “pretty confident” he’ll have two people in the final. Cross your fingers Britain, we don’t want Danyl in the final.

20:10 Olly sounds flat. But he’s in the classic “save-the-world” Jacko white. He just doesn’t seem genuine to me. It’s a Saturday night at Butlins performance.

20:13 Louis liked it, Danni liked it (“you were grabbing the package”, dirty!), Cheryl loves him and, of course, Simon thought he was fantastic: “You should have been a bag of nerves…once again you put on a great show, you’ve got the presence of the star.” Not from the this sofa, he doesn’t.

20:15 They better not spend the whole bloody show just being nice about everyone. Olly was bobbins.

20:19 Oh it’s Joe. Isn’t he cute? If he was a puppy in the dog’s home, I’d leave him there. He’d give you the big sweet eyes and then piss on your rug.

20:21 She’s Out Of My Life? You’re out of the tune.

20:23 Joe doesn’t have star quality. He’s honestly got less personality than belly button fluff.

20:26 The judges say he’s brilliant. “You’re the most consistent performer…” says Louis. Danni loves loves loves him. Simon says: “You’re just getting better and better and better. That’s one of the best versions of the song I’ve ever heard.” They’ll be crowning him king of the studio next. He’s anointed the winner already. Another reason to vote for Stacey.

20:27 Good point from Ms TV Throng in Dublin: “Why the blah songs?” She’s right – none of Jacko’s best hits really.

20:28 Time for my weekly moment of sincerity: Stacey has to win. She’s lovely and always performs well. She’s got a personality and a child that it would mean a lot to. If she doesn’t win, it’ll be a travesty.

20:29 Stacey’s gone for a Caberet style outfit. It’s GREAT. She’s tapped into the sexy. You almost forget her usual Dagenham tones.

20:30 Louis puts the boot in: “I thought it was the wrong song.”

But Cheryl disagrees: “Talk about yummy mummy…” Oh Cheryl, don’t be putting images into my head.

And, as predicted, Simon’s putting the boot in. They don’t want Stacey in the final because they want Joe to win. Tactical bitching.

20:38 In preparation for Danyl’s appearance, I’ve had to break out a beer.

20:39 “I’ve had so many ups and downs.” Yes, that’s it, let’s focus on your narrative. Look: I know he’s a good singer but he’s very false. Him vs Stacey? No contest.

20:41 They’ve busted out the gospel choir. It’s a good performance even though I’m highly disturbed by the leather trousers. If he performs that well on his second song, he’s definitely in the final. Damn!

20:43 Louis and Danni confused by Simon’s odd choice of polar bear themed video behind Danyl. Great comments on the vocals from all the judges.

Simon angry that Louis and Danni have commented on the polar bears.

20:44 “I feel like a better person…” Oh, good lord Danyl, give it a rest.

20:46 Recaps. Mr Potato Head…I mean, Olly, can’t help but do the “sexy finger pointing” and Joe’s sad face makes me angry. Danyl was excellent (sadly) and Stacey did look slightly like a dodgy Police Lady strippergram.

20:52 “This one song could change my life…” That’s it, ramp it up Olly.

20:53 Olly’s doing We Can Work It Out but he might as well be singing the phone book. He’s singing the words as if their meaning is just an abstract concept to him.

20:54 And his crazy legs dancing makes him look like he’s wearing badly fitted incontinence pants.

20:56 “I like the fact that you didn’t pick a well known song.” Have you not heard of The Beatles, Louis?

“This song takes me back because it’s a Stevie Wonder song…” Oh come on Simon, he COVERED it.

Good comments across the board although Louis did brand him “like Jay Kay from Jamiroquai” which in my book is like saying he’s like ebola.

20:59 If I made a Geordie Muppet character, he’d look like Joe.

He’s doing another wet ballad. It’s like he’s been neutered.

21:02 Oh, he’s brilliant, fantastic, wonderful says Louis and Danni. Simon does the old bait and switch: “On the biggest night of your life, your mentor gives you a song nobody knows and you know what…she was right!” He’ll be in the final then. Just wait for them to all give Stacey a bit of a boot. Simon invites Joe’s granny on to his shows “any time”. She’s more of a star than her grandson.

21:09 Stacey’s mum does not have it going on or for that matter the funny voice. Her sister does though. She’s mini-Stacey.

21:10 It’s back to the classic approach: big dress, stand still, belt out the song. That’s a safe bet for Stacey.

21:12 Nice comments all round – “the Diva from Dagenham”, says Louis. But they tried to knobble her in the first half. If she’s not in the final, I’m not interested (I know that makes me sound like an RBS banker threatening to resign but hey ho…)

21:19 Even Danyl’s mum is annoying. And I do wish they’d all stop saying: “This is the most important thing for me…” And please stop bloody crying!

21:21 I have to admit his first performance was good but this is just bland. This is the kind of performance you get distracted by when you’re trying to enjoy a pint in a hotel bar.

21:22 Louis’s second “I’d buy that version in the morning” comment. Is he finding it hard to spend his cash? I could chuck him some ideas.

Simon doesn’t think the “criticism” has been fair. Has he not been constantly told he’s great? Do you just want us to worship him as a crying, babyish god?

21:23 Danyl: “We’ve all worked really hard but I feel so lucky…” Activate sincerity protocol. Pour water on him and he’d malfunction.

21:25 Right: one final message – VOTE FOR STACEY, GODDAMN YOU.

 

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