The X-Factor Series 6 Semi-Final (The Results) aka Absolutely GaGa

19:30 Howdy X-Factorinos, tonight’s one of the big ones – who will make it into the final? All I know is that if Danyl does and Stacey doesn’t, that’s my week ruined.

Tonight’s celebrity guests? Janet Jackson (allowed in thanks to Michael Jackson week) and Lady Gaga who is bound to be the highlight of tonight’s repetitive clip-fest.

19:33 Does announcer man need. to. do. his. big. dramatic. voice. on. every. single. word?

Also: what a stick-up on Stacey that was last night. The only performer to (undeservingly) receive bad feedback.

19:34 And I don’t care what The X-Factor producers think, nobody cares less about Janet Jacko, it’s all about Gaga. She’ll blow Janet off the stage.

19:36 I don’t think Dermot is actually physically capable of genuine excitement. I think they have to juice him up before they push him out on stage.

19:37 Louis’s the kingmaker now that none of his acts are left. That’s a frightening prospect.

19:38 It’s the group performance. Joe sings Wanna Be Startin’ Something like the guy at the McDonalds’ drive through asking if I want fries.

19:39 The whole performance is god awful. Either Danyl or Olly has been doing the Jacko style whoops. Someone call Quincy Jones, they need a good slap.

19:41 “It’s the story of last night…” aka, we’ve gotta fill this time somehow.

Olly really does have a potato for a head.

Joe’s “I’m a sad puppy performance” really does enrage me. And the judges comments were ultra-tactical. “Joe was literally note perfect…he’s the one to watch,” says Simon. He wants him as the winner, hence the alleged choice of a Miley Cyrus song as the Christmas single, cutesy teen pop for the lil man.

Putting the boot into Stacey was unfair: “Putting her in the silly hat, walking on the silly chairs.” OK, we get it Simon, you don’t want her to win.

19:43 What WAS the polar bear behind Danyl about? A real one, I could have got behind.

Olly’s We Can Work It Out was pasable. How you could he go wrong performing that Stevie Wonder classic…oh no wait…Simon, I think The Beatles wrote that.

19:44 Joe’s second song being praised as if he’d just discovered a cure for Simon’s creeping waistband syndrome.

“It’s becoming the Joe show,” says Simon. Stop wishing out loud.

19:45 Stacey got a little bit of love for her second song. “She was incredible,” says Louis.

19:46 They say, if you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all. So I’m not going to add any more comments about bloody crybaby Danyl.

19:47 Louis slags Stacey’s second song again, actually laughing about it. This is the man who pimped out Jedward.

19:48 After the break, it’s Gaga. I bet she’s dressed as some kind of cyber-devil-dominatrix.

19:53 Here’s Gaga with Bad Romance. Killer tune, totally insane performer – exactly the kind of combination the X-Factor doesn’t usually deliver.

19:54 She’s dressed as some kind of robot vampire bat. It’s immense.

19:55 Oh and did I mention, she and the backing dancers are in a giant bath full of bubbles?

19:56 And she’s just shouted bitch at 5 to 8 on a Sunday night. Is “bitch” an acceptable pre-watershed word. Fucked if I know. Ooops.

19:58 Now for Dermot and Gaga’s awkward conversation.

Dermot: “Where did you get this bath from?”
Lady Gaga: “I stole it from Simon.”

You’ve gotta love Gaga’s new nose. That’s what several million album sales buys you, a new shnozz.

20:05 Lines are now closed. Who’s getting the boot? Please say Olly or Danyl. Thanks.

20:06 Now it’s time for Janet. Hope she avoids any a) wardrobe malfunctions b) bad tributes to her brother.

20:07 Janet’s hopped into a time machine to grab some kind of weird 80s power-jumpsuit and a pair of horrible trainers. Don’t think she’s singing live either, mind. As predicted, compared to Gaga’s mad bathing bat routine, it’s a bit…you know…boring.

20:10 No interview with Dermot. They’re probably worried he’d clumsily refer to her dead brother: “So…um…tough year for you, Janet. Yeah? Yeah? Wasn’t it.”

20:16 OK, we know you’ve all got a dream. But I’ve dreamed about being a journalist turned fire throwing superhero before, that doesn’t mean I should be allowed to do it.

20:18 Olly’s in the final. Oh dear… And of course he’s crying. Can they not just man up a bit?

20:19 Joe’s through. That means it’s down to Danyl and Stacey. If it’s Danyl, I am out of here.

20:20 IT’S STACEY! Bye bye Danyl.

He’s doing his odd smug smile. Is this because he knows he’s got a deal with Simon already.

“I’ve gone out to some of the best people I’ve ever met,” says Danyl. Zoom in on the piece of paper in his back pocket that says “be graceful”.

Danyl will be back with a record deal imminently.

20:26 Olly stop crying. Stacey is just making sounds. Joe is the only one behaving vaguely human.

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Pale writer type currently on the run from the mainstream media.
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