The X-Factor Series 6: The Final – Part 1 aka Ditzy, Cheesy or Potato-face

19:10 20 minutes until the final and I am ready. Doritos, beer and reservoir of rage at my side, let’s see how the final pans out. The smart money is on Joe for the win with even Cowell secretly rooting for him over Olly but TV Throng HQ is still crossing its fingers for Stacey.

19:27 It’s as close as we’ll get to a greatest hits show tonight with the contestants each doing their audition song, a celebrity due and reprising their favourite performance.

19:31 We’ll get Olly singing Superstition, then chasing after Robbie on Angels and a repeat of A Fool In Love. Joe’ll be doing the ever mawkish Dance With My Father, Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me with George Michael (there’s butch) and Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (which is what he should say when he sings in my opinion). Finally, Stacey will be giving us What A Wonderful World, Feeling Good with Buble and Who Wants To Live Forever (which was stellar the first time around).

19:32 So we start off with a recap of the “journey” with each of the contestants first performance and glimpses of all the contestants gone by. Jedward, Rachel, some of the mad ones. It’s all there.”Only the strongest survive!” bellows Announcer Man, as if we’re going to see the losers put up against a wall and shot.

19:33 Cheryl really thinks Joe has star quality? Well, she is married to Ashley Cole I suppose.

Simon “can’t pick a winner” which actually means “I like Olly but I want Joe to win”.

19:34 There’s ya man Dermot, looking the same as he does every week – he’s like the crappest Action Man in the shop…the new highly poseable Action Presenter Man.

Live feeds to Dagenham, Colchester and South Shields? That only usually happens when there’s been a murder.

19:37 At the end of tonight, someone’s going home. I think it’s gotta be Olly but Stacey has had some shaky weeks recently.

19:38 Danni went to Dagenham? I bet she fitted in brilliantly.

I’ve finally worked out who Stacey reminds me of. She’s a female Dug from Up.

19:39 They went back to Stacey’s school where the headmaster tried to get shot of here once.

19:40 “Danni Minogue’s in my house!” That excitement is why she should win.

19:41 I think the difference between Stacey onstage and puppy-dog offstage Stacey is a really lovely thing. Plus she has got cracking legs.

19:42 They’re keeping it simple for her audition song reprise. Just her sat on a stool belting out What A Wonderful World. It’s a good performance but I suspect that Simon and Louis will try to undermine it.

19:44 OK, so I was wrong with Louis. He was nice about her. Cheryl thinks she “enjoyed it the most [she] ever has”. Simon totally agrees with Cheryl: “You’re a calm nervous wreck who’s singing beautifully. You thoroughly, thoroughly deserve your place here tonight.”

Danni’s had the “most emotional week ever”. Danni needs to get out more.

19:47 Good to see that they’re helping with unemployment by giving professional Essex man Jeff Brazier something to do.

And Dermot’s just trailed the inevitable Jeff/Stacey tryst. Sigh.

19:52 Ah, it’s old potato face Olly Murs. Which means Simon went to Colchester and Essex is the ancestoral home of the Cowells.

19:53 He better not cry this time.

19:54 Simon’s perked the whole visit home thing up with a helicopter.

19:55 Olly’s old school go barmy. My teachers would have made us behave a little less rabid.

Simon loves butter scotch Angel Delight. Let’s send him hundreds of packets. That’ll put him off it. Or you know…don’t. Because he’s alright really isn’t he. Secretly sweet in fact.

19:56 Unlike Joe (who I think is a personality vaccuum), Olly does at least seem like a sweet boy. But I wish he would stop doing his wazzock hands dancing.

19:58 The perfomance of Superstition is slightly over the top, too many flappers and gangster guys. He should have focused on actually, you know, singing the song in a not cheesy way. 5/10.

Louis loved it. He’s done his “you’ve definitely got the X-Factor quote.” Danni loves it and throws some love to the choreographer. Cheryl loves it too. Simon says it’s “the perfomance of his life”.

It’s club singer good not professional singer good.

20:02 Over to Colchester to hear from cheerleaders, football players and other shouty folk. Poor old Michael Underwood, he used to do CBBC. Now he’s got dreadful facial hair.

20:03 Is Dermot legally obliged to call him Geordie Joe? He’s not a cartoon character (though he does only have one expression).

20:08 “Cheryl Cole is looking to make history…” She’s only looking for her singer to win two years in a row, not bloody rewrite British law or change the nature of political discourse. Also: why is she wearing skull based clothes for that school visit?

20:10 Joe’s OK but his nan’s a mega-star. Can we get her a chat show?

20:11 I’m not fussed with Joe’s performance but the Sage is a fantastic building.

20:12 I hate this kind of song. It just sucks all the subtly and sadness out of the world and repaints it with a Dulux version of sentiment. All one shade. I know Joe’s got a nice voice but he’s bland, bland, bland, bland. I want to see an interesting person win!

20:14 Louis tells him he’s brilliant. They all love his voice. He’ll get the most amazing comments because he’s the chosen one. If you want to wind up Simon Cowell, don’t make Rage Against The Machine number 1, vote for Stacey.

20:16 In South Shields, we’ve got a Girls Aloud member – poor old Kimberly. And there’s a baker with Go Joe cookies which “sell faster than sausage rolls”.

20:20 “After the break, some big surprises…” OK Dermot, so…that’ll be the celebrity guests we mentioned earlier won’t it.

20:24 God, we’re only twenty-four minutes in.

Stacey’s in a great red frock and busting out Feeling Good. Where’s Buble?

20:25 Oh they got Stacey to introduce him. That ruined the effect slightly, sultry voice into fish wife.

20:27 She was stonking! Her voice ruled the song, Buble was just along for the ride in his creased little suit. He looked like a competition winner.

20:28 Buble couldn’t work out what Dermot was saying: “Sorry, it was your English accent.”The Queen listens to Buble? Could be time for an uprising.

20:29 Ms TV Throng reminds me that it’s actually been an hour. Meawhile brilliant comment from @electricpig’s @jamesholland on Michael Buble: “He’s devoid of any character, charm, charisma or intrigue.Basically a shop dummy with a larynx.”

20:30 Olly has just given Angels a bit of kicking, now Robbie’s forgotten the words. He looks slightly emotional.

20:33 “I can’t believe how confident this man is…” says Robbie Williams, a man whose ego once destroyed Tokyo.

Incidentally: Robbie didn’t manage to understand Dermot either and he’s English!

20:36 This George Michael/Joe duet does seem more like a grooming.Fair’s fair though, George’s voice is cracking and their duet is probably the best so far.

20:38 George Michael is hedging his bets: “Good luck to all of them.”

20:40 @jamesholland on fire tonight: “George Michael looks like all four of the Village People at once.”

20:43 Does Cheryl Cole keep nipping off for a wee? She’s never in her seat when the break ends. Or is she popping off to see Robbie. Remember Robbie, the eyes will give you away!

20:45 Stacey looking absolutely stunning and doing Who Wants To Live Forever. It’s ace. I do love that she’s essentially wearing a cape. I want her to do the next Bond theme…OK, I’ve gone a bit mad.

20:46 Whoever paid for that shower of sparks, seriously wants to get value from it.

20:47 Louis really wants Stacey in the final. Cheryl thinks she’s incredible and wants her in the final two too. Simon quotes Cheryl’s frequent quote “you smashed it”. Danni again happy and proud.

20:48 PUT HER THROUGH YOU BASTARDS. Stacey MUST be in the final.

20:49 We’re back in Dagenham with Jeff. So much screaming, it’s a waste of time. It’s like a Beatles concert as seen from the perspective of a yawnsome TV presenter.

20:50 Stacey is truly genuine. That’s got to count for something.

20:51 Olly’s batallion of flappers are back. It’s like he’s auditioning for a role as a pimp from the twenties. Fool In Love – just over the top. He’s be the best hotel bar singer in town.

20:52 @electricpig honcho @jamesholland again showing he’s as good TV as he is on tech: “That suit’s about right though. You wrap turkeys in silver foil, right? He’s basically an estate agent doing karaoke.”

Louis: “You’re sexy, Olly.” I suspect Louis wouldn’t be able to stand up right now.

Good point from Ms TV Throng: “Seriously, could Olly not at least have made an effort and shaved??”

20:54 Olly is like the really poor man’s Danny Dyer.

Talking to Olly’s PE teacher, he’s bound to have a good story says Michael. “He’s a really nice guy.” Oh…thrilling.

20:56 “What have I gotta do to make you love me?” Literally more than is physically possible Joe. You’d have to give me a gold pony or the cure for cancer. Singing like a wet weeking in Worksop  is not going to cut the mustard.

20:58 Louis is banging out all the same points again: “You’ve got THE VOICE blah blah blah…of the three people you definitely deserve to be here.” Danni same. Cheryl same. Simon: “You’re really special Joe”. Yes, we get it. You want him to win. You lovely bunch of manipulators. Cheryl absolutely “adores him”, she’s on the edge of tears again. Will you please give it a rest with the weeping.

21:00 Now over to Kimberley for all the screaming and unnecessary noise in South Shields. Poor old Kimberley, she’s in the ACTUAL Girls Aloud you know. And now she’s stuck in South Shields. Di Cheryl really suffer all that for nothing?

21:07 Robbie’s coming back after the break? Have they dosed him up with anti-psychotics?

21:10 Cheryl once again late back to her seat. Does she have some kind of complicated under-carriage arrangement going on?

21:11 Robbie seems to be brandishing a Freddie Mercury-style mic stand and the voice of a C-grade Northern club singer.

21:15 Voting is FROZEN. After the break, we lose one. Fingers crossed for Olly to go.

I now realise why Cheryl’s been struggling, she’s sewn into her dress.

21:20 DRA-MA-TIC MU-SIC! DRA-MA-TIC MU-SIC! It’s the result.

21:21 Olly? Oh for god’s sake. I bet that means no more Stacey.

21:22 Yep, it’s Joe and Olly in the final. Rubbish. She’s the best.

21:23 She’s so gracious. “I came third!” She’s the best. Let’s all buy her record and ignore the other two.

21:25 I know a lot of people like the pair of them but I just don’t think either of them are stars. If I had to predict I’d say Joe to win. He’s been killing it in the phone votes week in week out.

21:26 See you tomorrow for the final bit of The Final. I’ll be disappointed whatever happens.

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