So we've come to the end of the "12 week job interview from hell" and it's down to robo-Apprentice Kate and Yasmina the chef who couldn't cook her books. Place your bets ladies and gentleman because the final furlongs of the race to be Sir Alan's apprentice (and slouch about some grey offices in Brentwood) are about to be run...
And what's more - the rest of them are back!
21:00 Before we see what happened, it's the man described by Stuart Lee as "a Toby jug full of piss" Adrian Chiles to introduce the show. He'll be back later for the final You're Fired.
21:03 "Sir Alan Sugar...famously hard to please" but easy enough to get into your government. Yours for a Lordship. Looking forward to that next series "Lord Alan Sugar is in charge of a vast business empire and a little Labour thinktank" (as long as the Tories don't get the BBC to tell him "yer fiyurd").
21:05 "Winning is what it's about," says Yasmina, showing her usual gift for the bleeding obvious. Kate and Yasmina meet Sir Alan down at bankside in a warehouse that's been tarted up but looks like it used to be the kind of place where gangsters took their enemies to whack them.
"This task is going to be hard one," grumbles Sir Alan, "So you're going to need some assistance." Unfortunately, they've only got the rejects to pick from.
It's like a school sports day as the two women pick from the meagre selection of losers.
Kate doesn't pick Philip. Trouble in paradise?
Yasmina's got Philip, Lorraine, James and Howard.
Kate's got Rocky (remember him?), Ben, Debra and "the American".
The final task - to create a new brand of chocolate. "The chocolate industry is worth over £3bn a year," says the narrator. A researcher's been at Wikipedia again.
21:09 At the ideas session, Philip is after creating something "fun and quirky". Don't listen to him Yasmina. Remember Pantsman.
Their plan: create a box of chocolates targetted towards men.
21:10 Over at Kate's team, Ben's being allowed to throw ideas around. "How about something about sharing? Maybe have a threesome with a box of chocolates."
Thankfully Kate pretty much ignores him going for Debra's idea of a his'n'hers box.
21:11 "I've got an idea for a box," says Ben, "But it's quite sexual."
He wants to make the box a "69" shape. Kate's sorting him out.
"Ben, this is about romance. We draw the line at sexual acts." Of course she would, she's a robot. She's about a minute away from tilting her head and asking: "What. Is. Love?"
21:12 At a discussion session with some bankers, Yasmina's team's idea of chocolates for men doesn't go down well. Philip thinks they should ignore the bankers.
"It's like with Pantsman. People didn't get it at the time but I tell you they will," he says confidently. He's never going to let that go is he. That's going to be on his gravestone: I Was Right About Pantsman.
They decided on the name - Cocoelectric. "That's exactly what it is," says Yasmina. Um...OK.
21:14 Meanwhile at the supermarket, Kate's team are researching chocolates.
21:15 Talking to some chocolateers, Yasmina team's plan to make chocolates for men again doesn't go well. "Who eats chocolate?" they ask. "Women." Yasmina is looking gutted already.
The idea changes - it's now all about shocking flavours.
21:16 At the product designers - Kate's team box is going to have three drawers (his, hers, one to share). Nick likes the idea but says they need a good name.
21:17 Rocky and Debra are with a renowned choclateers coming up with flavour ideas. We could well have the similar mistake with the soap could be about to happen again. They're going for flavours like champagne. Kate does not want to spend more than £13.
"Is it commercially viable at that price?" she asks Debra.
"Yes," says the most aggressive woman in British business. She's not really fussed.
21:19 Howard's in charge of box design for Yasmina's team. Lorraine's input is doing her odd Irish accent again.
21:20 Yasmina wants to get her box together for about £5. Too cheap. Again, she's going for some strange flavours - the least sensible of all Explosive Chilli. That sounds like an...um...accident waiting to happen.
21:21 Kate's team have decided to call their chocolates "Intimate".
"Sounds like a feminine freshness product," says Nick delicately.
With ten minutes to go, Debra arrives and convinces them that the name needs to go.
They change the name to "Choc D'Amour". Classy.
21:23 Kate and Kimberley are now filming the team's TV ad. It features the most irritating couple since the Nescafe couple.
21:24 Meanwhile Howard and Yasmina are tasting their chocolates. They're disgusting.
They bring Margaret over for the taste test. She looks like she's going to be sick.
"I'm still waiting for the explosion," she says tastefully.
"Try one of those," Yasmina being overly hopeful.
"I think one's enough," says Margaret with tissue in hand.
21:25 Across town, Philip is choreographing dancers for his team's launch. He is remember...an estate agent. This does not bode well. Particularly as he dances like an elderly uncle.
21:26 "I'm a bit dishearted with the quality of everything," says Yasmina attempting to direct her TV ad. The actors are spitting out the chocolates. They're shocked alright.
21:27 Kate has changed the ad concept. "It's looking a little cliche. Let's change it up a bit." Now it's turned into a chocolate based bondage scene.
"She's given it a twist," says Nick. It looks like it may have been a good move.
21:29 Yasmina is struggling to edit her ad while Lorraine has decided that the print ad should feature nothing but the logo.
"I love it," says Yasmina. Yeah, why would you need to see the product in the ad.
"It's bold!" says Philip.
21:30 "No-one is immune from getting stagefright," says Kate. Are the producers teeing us up to see her choke?
Yasmina aka "I'm Good At Everything" girl is brimming with confidence. With that product (terrible ads, disgusting flavours) I suspect it's misplaced.
21:32 "Staying in...is the new going out," says Kate practising her presentation. Yes, Kate and being crap is the new being great.
Yasmina's confidence has gone: "My presentation style is pretty crap. That's what it is...I'm not going to stand here and say within two hours I'm going to be Martin Luther King." As we all recall Martin's range of chocolates actually flew off the shelves.
21:33 The creme of the chocolate industry and Sir Alan, Mr Sweet himself, are in the house to see the products presented.
Kate's presentation is droid like. The cold steely efficiency of a killer robot.
She's thrown in the obligatory reference to the economic crisis in.
The crowd does not look impressed and Sir Alan is even less pleased about the price: "That is a lot of money." Lady Sugar's not getting a box.
21:35 The TV ad goes over very well.
21:36 A man in the audience is not impressed with the price. Another guy compliments the flavours but again attacks the price - what about the margin? Kate says she's confident. No need for figures, just blind, rabbit-in-the-head-lights false confidence.
21:37 Here comes Yasmina. This is not going to go well.
Yasmina is panicking.
They've gone with Danger! High Voltage! by Electric Six as her intro music.
Sir Alan is frowning at Philip's dodgy dancers.
Yasmina is oddly patronising and bizzarely disjointed.
"Take some strawberry and add some basil what do you get?" A bit of sick in your mouth. Oh no, apparently, it's a "Coco-Electric".
Sir Alan looks happy about the £6 price point but he's still looking queasy after tasting Yasmina's delicacies.
21:40 The TV ad is a montage of people wincing when they try the chocolates. Well, at least it's realistic.
21:41 "I'd like to leave you with one final thought: 100 years ago electricity shook the world, now Coco-Electric is going to shake up the confectionary market".
21:42 An extremely sensible woman in the audience wonders in what reality getting an electric shock is a good thing. Meanwhile a man reasonably asks who would want to taste those flavours.
21:43 "You were brilliant," says Lorraine. Well, if she's on board Yasmina, no worries yeah?
21:43 "You would definitely buy them first time," says the Waitrose buyer talking about Coco-Electric. "I'd be concerned about whether they'd come back for a second box."
21:44 Yasmina - "I don't know if there's much more I can show Sir Alan." I think he's probably seen enough.
Kate's not going to go in the boardroom to "throw dirt". So, that'll be a few minutes before she starts throwing dirt then.
Time for the final boardroom...
21:45 The finalists are flanked by their teams.
"James, it seems you were a prophet," says Sir Alan, "I did end up as Willy Wonka."
"I think I've got Lorraine's gift," he chuckles. Wow, it's comedy hour in the boardroom.
Kate says Debra has an "exceptional pallette". "See, " says Sir Alan, "I've been talking about your blahdy mouth for the whole process and now you've put it to good use."
21:46 Kate is admitting that the initial product name was a bad idea.
Intimate - "You tend to find that on boxes in the gent's loos," grumbles Sir Alan.
21:47 Kate's assertion that the product would be mass market is getting picked appart. This could cause her some issues.
21:48 But now we're over to Yasmina.
"We started off a little bit higgledy-piggeldy," she reveals. Certainly sounds like a business strategy.
Howard's trying to explain the shocking advert.
21:49 "They weren't shocking flavours," says Sir Alan, "They were shocking chocolates."
Yasmina is trying to justify herself.
"You were on the money with the packaging, the financials, the advertising," says Sir Alan, "But the chocolates weren't very good."
James is defending her. "The only thing we did wrong was not tasting the chocolates." That's like saying - "The only thing we did wrong with the car was not putting an engine in it."
21:51 Yasmina's team all say nice things about her. But then Lorraine spoils it a bit - "They're both good to be fair." I wonder if she's been down the bookies.
21:52 Nick says he was sitting next to a major chocolate retailer who said both women had done a fantastic job. Presumably this was before he tried Choco-Electric.
21:54 Kate, what were you greatest moments? She's naming pretty much every task she's won. Now we're on to attributes - "I can sell, I can present..." She can fire lasers from her eyes.
She's revealing her 10-year-plan to become a director. It's like she's a one-woman Soviet Republic.
21:55 Yasmina's noting her presentation as one of her highlights ("I pulled it off," she says a little bit unconvincingly).
Sir Alan's on to Yasmina's business - he doesn't want to make her 20 employees redudant. There's that Entrepeurship Tsar compassion at work.
21:57 Sir Alan's recalling that he was 9 years younger than Yasmina when he started his business and 2 years later he was "made". He makes it sound like he was a little mobster.Will he deprive Yasmina of the chance to "do it herself"?
Yes he will. He's hired Yasmina.
Kate activates her smiling programme.
"I'm going to be the best apprentice you've ever had," beams Yasmina. Given that she created some truly horrendous chocolates, it's baffling.
22:00 Now we're in to The Apprentice: Your Hired.
Ruby Wax, Jonathan (@Wossy) Ross and Michelle Mone (bra queen) are on the panel.
They're showing a replay of Yasmina winning already. That's almost an action replay.
22:01 Kate's onstage looking ultra-glam. "I'm happy to be hear with you Adrian," she lies.
"Obviously, I was gutted when I found out the news that I wasn't going to get hired..." The way she phrases it almost reveals how the finalists are both filmed "winning".
Michell Mone says Kate's stunning (bra modelling contract on the way?), while Ruby Wax...um..waxes lyrical about her "American teeth." Rossy praises her for making so few mistakes ("Not counting Phil.").
22:04 They're pretty much running clips of the task. This is going to be one of the cheapest hours of television BBC One has ever transmitted.
22:11 Kate's got a degree in the Psychology Of Business. Maybe she can tell us just why Philip's such a prat.
22:12 Asking Jonathan Ross about professionalism seems like asking Bill Clinton about fidelity.
Now we're on to the hilarious moment where Kate didn't pick Philip. Awww, bless 'im.
"If I'd chosen him, the whole final would have been what Kate and Philip got up to." Not avoiding the robot accusations by speaking in third person there Kate.
22:14 "Philip came across as an enormous cock...but I couldn't help but see a bit of myself in him." Jonathan Ross tacitly admits he's a knob.
22:15 Now they're replaying Lorraine's moment acting like a one-woman News Of The World, outing Philip and Kate in the boardroom.
"Looking back now, perhaps Lorraine had a valid point." That's very magnanimous of Kate.
Michelle Mone works with her husband but they don't "have sex in the boardroom". That's good to know.
Michelle was expecting Philip to make the final. And I thought she knew about tits.
21:17 Now we're seeing footage of the aftermath of Philip's firing. "At the end of the day, we're here for a business process," said Kate with steely eyes.
She doesn't want to talk about her relationship with Philip but he can "share a box of choc d'amour" with her any day of the week. Look out for that OK cover any time now or maybe just a spread in Heat.
22:19 Now a montage of Kate's bizarre sliding mouth using the phone - she looked like a horse going at a sugar lump - and her Charlston-esque dance when winning tasks.
"Boy would that come in useful," says Jonathan about Kate's odd mouth movements. The man essentially speaks innuendo.
22:20 There onto Lorraine's changing accent. Wossy wanted her in the final.
22:21 Now we're onto Wossy's picks of the men's worst moments. And...here's Pantsman again. Based on Philip's performance of the Pantsman theme, I'd get a novelty single out right now.
22:22 "Out of the men on my team, I probably am the best looking." Has no one told Ben he looks like the Pilsbury Doughboy after a Pinnoccio style "I'm a real boy" transformation.22:23 Thankfull his screentime is short lived and we're on to Nick and Margaret.
An amazing montage of Nick's best "I've just been made to eat a bag of lemons" looks. He is a champ.
"If Nural says one more time 'I'm looking to sell" I will personally stamp on his foot." You don't mess with Nick. That's one of The Apprentice's golden rules.
22:25 Nick's highlights - the sandlewood scandal and being ticked off by Debra "what man wouldn't enjoy that?"
22:26 Margaret's best bits (she's not impressed when Adrian calls her a "woman of a certain age").
It's clear that it wasn't just Margaret that was the star but her eyebrows.
Her favourite moment of the series? James supplied it. His antics in the birthing pool or as Margaret puts it: "The strongest argument for birth control ever shown on television."
22:27 Sad news - she's not appearing next year (which we all already knew).
"Are you pregnant?" asks Ruby Wax crassly. "I think that's unlikely," says Margaret with oodles of class.
She going off to continue her PHD in ancient Egyptian texts. "You may find it odd," she says dryly, "But I find it fascinating." She's single handedly raised the tone 100%. We'll miss you Margaret.
22:29 So Kate didn't win the show but Adrian's given her one of those air-guitars she played during the home shopping task. Well, that's almost as good as a £100,000 job isn't it. And I thought Sir Alan said there was no second prize.
22:30 Cue Kate's best bits - lots of smiling, Joan Jett soundtrack, plenty of shots of Philip gazing at her like a sex-crazed Durham wolf.
22:31 Yasmina's come dressed as Barbarella. Far too much clevage on show.
22:32 Lots of shots of Yasmina being "focussed". I'd plump for gormless actually.
22:33 And here's Sir Alan "soon to Lord" Sugar. "That's a bit premature," says Sir Alan, "There has to be a committee to decide if I'm suitable first."
After that Party Political Broadcast he's explaining his decision. It's something about vision and the way she "stared at him" in the boardroom. So, it's vanity then. She listened to everything he said.
22:35 Sir Alan's said Kate can call him 24/7. If I was her, I'd call him at 4am and put the phone down.
22:36 Yasmina's going to be sticking digital signage in doctor's surgeries. Woo! The thrilling cutting edge of health care signage.
22:37 We're back on to how Yasmina was on the money with everything but the taste. I really think making chocolates that made you feel queasy is a major failing.
22:38 Sir Alan reckons it was fine that the sweets tasted foul. They only had two days. That doesn't really explain how Kate managed to make her's taste passable.
22:40 We're seeing Yasmina making the super-cheap sandwiches in week two. "That task was bloody brilliant...she managed a 200% margin" says Sir Alan. Yeah, who needs to make quality food products. As long as you make a mint, a bit of food poisoning doesn't matter. That's all larks but it probably should steer you away from picking up any Viglin products.
22:43 Sir Alan's delivering a paegn of praise to the candidates. "Let me tell you, if I got Bill Gates, Philip Green and Richard Branson [to do these tasks] they would not know what to do. This mob are a great mob." He says it's the papers that are to blame for making them look like prats. I'm pretty sure Ben is quite capable of doing that on his own. And Debra's rage would give Kelvin McKenzie a run for his money.
22:44 Sir Alan says everyone warmed to Debra. "She's only 23 years old." Well, that's OK then.
22:45 Now we're moving on to James's best bits. This all seems to be adding up to the fact that Yasmina is pretty boring.
22:46 Sir Alan looks at James as if he's his idiot nephew.
22:47 Now we're on to the love of Philip and Kate. "When I heard Philip was falling in love with someone, I thought it was himself," says Sir Alan. If anyone knows about self-love, it's Sir Alan. He speculates that they might be the first Apprentice wedding or provide the first Apprentice kids.
A frightening mock-up of what those babies might look like - a tiny Lorraine and a baby with Ben's face super-imposed on it. That's my nightmares set for the week.
22:49 Adrian gives Yasmina a copy of a Canapes recipe book. "Stop calling them canopys." Not sure he should be giving anyone pronunciation advice.
22:50 Yasmina's best bits montage is to Oasis's She's Electric - that's appropriate, a band who's outputs been average since 1995.
22:51 What's Sir Alan looking for next year? Hi-calibre people. So it's all change then.
He says he wants to be "concious of the 'so-called' credit crunch" and invites people who've been "made redundant".
Then we're on to the Junior Apprentice. "We're going to choose people with potential." That shouldn't be so difficult. Almost all kids are idiots.
22:53 A montage of the best mentions of The Apprentice this year then on to Sir Alan's evil moments backed by the Imperial March. I'd definitely prefer looking at him if he had a Darth style helmet to wear.
His "funny" moments backed with the Curb The Enthusiasm theme:
"Can I get you a cushion, if you keep sitting on the fence like that, you'll wake up with a sore arse."
"This is Margate not Watergate."
22:56 And it's time for Sir Alan to thank Nick and Margaret. And Andrian. It's like those awkward bits during school assemblies when a teacher leaves. I expect Margaret will be presented with some cheap flowers and card signed in biro any minute now.
The Apprentice will be back in Spring 2010. See you on TV Throng then. Thanks for following the series with us.
