19:09 So after months of terrible auditions, terrible disappointments (Rachel going, Stacey going, Louis doing the same terrible jokes) and traumatic experiences (most of Jedward’s performances), we’ve reached the final: will it be Olly “Potato-face” Murs or Joe “You’re Legally Obliged To Call Him ‘Geordie Joe’” McEldrey. Let’s plaster on a grin and make our way through this madness for the final time this year.
19:18 Tonight will see a lot less of the final two – they’ll do just two songs each – with a rash of celebrity guest appearances and a performance of the X-Factor Finalists demolition of You Are Not Alone. Plus more recap VTs than ever broadcast on British television.
The finalists will be performing their mentor’s choice – Joe’s doing Don’t Stop Bel
ievin’ while Olly will do his terribly finger pointing dancing to Twist And Shout – then the X-Factor finalist’s song The Climb. The terrible dirge, originally by Miley Cyrus, is arguably the worst X-Factor song so far.
Tonight’s special guests are Paul McCartney (does he really have to stoop to this?), George Michael, Leona Lewis (back on home terri
tory), Alexandra Burke (set to look like a pale facsimile of Leona) and JLS (back again to hawk their wares).
s are certain that Joe will get
e’s after and be crowned king of the X-Factor but could Olly get an upset?
19:31 Tonight, only one can win that life changing recording contract (thought at least three of the others have one already). Just nobody mention Steve Brookstein, OK?
19:32 Let me know in the comments who you want to win.
19:33 I do love when Dermot trails “surprises”. They’ve always been trailed so efficiently in the supress that they’re no more surprising than Louis little face or the height of Simon’s waist band.
19:38 That dance move last night when Olly slid under the legs of the dancers frankly looked perverted.
19:40 I like that now Stacey’s gone, recaps of last night must only mention Olly and Joe. It’s vaguely Stalinist.
19:41 After the break: the first song of the night. Which will be the highpoint before we have to listen to a Miley Cyrus song twice!
19:43 I do hope they give us a recap after the break, my tiny fish brain might have forgotten all the other recaps.
19:47 “Olly deserves to win because he’s delivered 150%.” Yes Simon, he can bend the laws of mathematics.
Olly reminds us he entered the competition to be an “international superstar” which is possible if he means playing Butlins in 5 years.
19:49 Olly dances like a poorly operated marionette. Twist And Shout should have an air of sexual excitement. Olly makes it sound like a listless jerk into a soiled rag.
19:50 Danni levers in a plug for the tour. Louis *perks up* and Cheryl makes a subliminal hint “t
hrilled to see you here in the bottom two”. Louis also made sure to mention that Olly will have a great career “regardless”, of course because the ink has already dried on his record deal.
19:52 Poor old Michael Underwood, still stood in a car park in Colchester asking an 8-year-old if she’s going to marry Olly. Oh dear…
19:57 Will Journey’s memory never cease to be abused? Here comes Joe bashing out his attempt at Don’t Stop Believin’.
Cheryl really is a little bit in love with Joe. I think she wants to shrink him and attach him to her keyring. Or failing that lock him in her walk-in wardrobe.
20:00 Joe doing Don’t Stop Believin’ is anti-music. It compacts it into a sort of ultra-bland anti-matter. Of course, he has won anyway. “Could there be an upset?” Cowell pondered earlier. He actually meant to say: continuing voting, keep the money making machine churning, I need a new yacht!
20:01 Louis says: “A small boy, a big voice…a big future.” We know he was stopping himself from mentioning lube. All the judges are in raptures about Joe. Simon praises him even more highly than Olly. “You ACTUALLY would have a hit record with that song…” TRANSLATION: You will release that as your second single.”
20:03 Kimberley in South Shields being groped by the Mayor Of South Shields there. Joe cannot GEORDIE GEORDIE thank them GEORDIE GEORDIE enough GEORDIE GEORDIE at home. His animate series must already be in development: Geordie Joe – the super-bland super-hero!
20:05 Incidentally: Glee has just made Don’t Stop Believin’ huge again in the US. It’s coming here in January. So expect Simon to throw Joe’s version out to spoil their party at the start of 2010.
20:09 Here come JLS and Alexandra Burke. It’s an X-Factor two-for.
“We’re the bad boys…” within acceptable day time TV limits with at least one less attractive member for plainer girls.
And here’s Alexandra wearing a handful of sequins doing her best sub-Beyonce shake.
20:11 JLS are doing the classic look-at-the-female-singer-like-she’s-a-fondant-fancy look. It’s at least a fairly exciting performance.
We’re done with Alexandra’s Bad Boy and on to JLS’s Everybody In Love (as excellently sung at them by Harry Hill last night).
20:14 “We have had a fantastic year” say the Alexandra and JLS bots.
20:15 Simon: “As far as I’m concerned, round 1 went to Olly!” But Danni and Louis think “Team Cheryl had it wrapped up!”
Cheryl is being magnanimous: “The nation will decide who won…”
20:17 Here’s Leona Lewis doing Stop Crying Your Heart Out with an X-Factor footage backing. That’s Leona’s USP now isn’t it, sappy smotherings of indie songs. First Snow Patrol were made even more bland, now she’s taken Oasis to the beige factory.
20:26 “We are in the midst of a phenomenal battle tonight…” Oh come on Dermot, it’s not Dunkirk.
20:27 Clearly the choice of a Miley Cyrus song suits Joe better and now we need to hear the same bloody tune twice.
“It will be a massive hit whoever sings it.” Yes Louis, we get it. You could send the dinner lady out and she’s sell a million records. That is not a good thing.
20:33 Oh glad we had time for a recap of the recaps of recapping Olly’s journey.
What is this thing for showing baby photos about? It’s creepy.
20:34 Olly’s nan’s going to “always be sitting on [his] shoulder”? He’ll struggle to do his pointy dance if she insist on doing that.
And now he’s crying. MAN UP.
20:36 Time to hear from Cheryl and Joe. He’s a Geordie if you hadn’t realised. An actual Geordie.
20:37 Oh I’m so glad I get to hear this Miley Cyrus song for the second time in my entire life. The first time only made me want to give up listening to music forever, so this can’t be that bad.
20:38 I think I have just dislocated my jaw through yawning.
20:40 Louis says the song will sell 1m copies and be number one at Christmas. And Joe will beat Olly. Oh good to see Louis going out on the limb by praising the favourite there. Danni is in raptures and the song is “one of her absolute favourite songs”. That proves she hates music.
Simon thinks Joe started shaky but then was “brilliant in the second half”. He can’t call it now. Which is essentially him saying: yes, Joe’s won. Money for me either way.
20:44 Oh schmaltz overload. Joe’s parents don’t have necks. Let’s hope he wins so he can buy them the prosthetic necks they so desperately need.
20:46 So bored of Cheryl’s manipulative crying. “Oh it remind me of when I were a contestant.”
Incidentally, George Michael has turned into a Thunderbird. If I could only have got a screen cap, I could have pointed out the strings.
20:47 Hey! Another recap. Did you idiotic mind let all the other recaps slip out of it? Don’t worry, here’s the UBER-RECAP. All the stuff you saw yesterday and about three minutes ago pushed together into a little cube of memories. Boring, boring memories.
20:50 Here’s George Michael. Look closely for the strings.
But first: a recap of George’s career. Curiously no mention of the car crashes or the toilet.
20:53 George Michael’s Christmas song has mixed up priorities: “Jesus came to stay/and I could watch TV all day.”
21:01 Lines closing soon. Oh, it’s so nervewracking…oh, no, it isn’t. Joe’s going to win.
21:02 Paul McCartney “practically invented pop music”. Oh shut up Dermot.
And yes, Paul McCartney is deemed to require a recap. This is the end of modern culture.
21:03 He’s doing Drive My Car. Joe or Olly should just say: “Nope, I’m not going to try and follow one of The Beatles with a Miley Cyrus song. I’m not insane.”
21:04 Paul McCartney just shared a stage with the X-Factor finalists. Someone hand me a gun. Jedward and Macca, it’s the Frog Chorus all over again.
21:06 Now, Macca’s doing Live And Let Die. Seriously Olly/Joe, just give up now. You cannot come back on and sing The Climb.
21:08 And let’s remember ladies and gentlemen, Paul just played real instruments and sang live.
21:09 “Who’s going to win, Sir Paul?” asks Demot. “Well,” says an
underwhelmed Sir Paul, “one of them’s going to win.”
21:15 Dermot: “Olly and Joe fought their way though an incredible weekend…” Oh yes, it was like the Ardennes all over again.
21:16 Going back to the home towns is essentially just an excuse to hear people constantly scream. Thank God, it’s almost over. I think I may have permanently damaged my typing hands.
21:17 10 million people. If only they’d bother voting in the actual election.
21:18 This is a seriously unnecessarily long gap.
21:19 Oh, Joe’s won. I am SO surprised. Go back to sleep Britain.
21:20 Olly looks utterly unbothered. Well, he’s won too hasn’t he. Lots and lots of lovely, lovely money. And there’s Joe’s single all printed. Ready to download from tonight.
21:21 And he’s singing The Climb AGAIN.
21:22 The X-Factor winner’s song has to be about “the narrative” they’ve followed because they have no personality outside it.
Good point from Ms TV Throng: “This is the only song that will played on the radio between now and February.” Looks like I’m going into hibernation.
21:23 Rachel just grabbed the mic and did a Kanye West though admittedly only to say “I LOVE YOU JOE, I LOVE YOU JOE. YES! YES!” Which is not nearly as mad.
21:24 Simon is thanking the public in a clear attempt to counteract all that Muppets/Rage Against The Machine Love.
21:25 And we go over to South Shields again. Oh I wonder what they’ll be doing. Yes, they’re jumping around and screaming and screaming and screaming. How very interesting.
21:26 The show has just finished and the ad for next year’s auditions is on. It’s the circle of life! Oh no, I mean profit.
21:28 Thanks for watching along with me over these arduous weeks. I’ve been @brokenbottleboy and I’ll be back soon for The Apprentice Live Blogs. More rage, week in week out until I get an ulcer.