brokenbottleboy's blog

Pale writer type currently on the run from the mainstream media.

19:09 So after months of terrible auditions, terrible disappointments (Rachel going, Stacey going, Louis doing the same terrible jokes) and traumatic experiences (most of Jedward’s performances), we’ve reached the final: will it be Olly “Potato-face” Murs or Joe “You’re Legally Obliged To Call Him ‘Geordie Joe'” McEldrey. Let’s plaster on a grin and make our way through this madness for the final time this year.

19:18 Tonight will see a lot less of the final two – they’ll do just two songs each – with a rash of celebrity guest appearances and a performance of the X-Factor Finalists demolition of You Are Not Alone. Plus more recap VTs than ever broadcast on British television.

The finalists will be performing their mentor’s choice – Joe’s doing Don’t Stop Bel

ievin’ while Olly will do his terribly finger pointing dancing to Twist And Shout – then the X-Factor finalist’s song The Climb. The terrible dirge, originally by Miley Cyrus, is arguably the worst X-Factor song so far.

Tonight’s special guests are Paul McCartney (does he really have to stoop to this?), George Michael, Leona Lewis (back on home terri

tory), Alexandra Burke (set to look like a pale facsimile of Leona) and JLS (back again to hawk their wares).

The bookie

s are certain that Joe will get

what h

e’s after and be crowned king of the X-Factor but could Olly get an upset?

19:29 Reliving last night is making me depressed. Can we get through these VTs a bit quicker? Robbie on the rock is particularly sad. Poor old UFO spotter boy, he’s not the superstar he once was.

19:31 Tonight, only one can win that life changing recording contract (thought at least three of the others have one already). Just nobody mention Steve Brookstein, OK?

19:32 Let me know in the comments who you want to win.

19:33 I do love when Dermot trails “surprises”. They’ve always been trailed so efficiently in the supress that they’re no more surprising than Louis little face or the height of Simon’s waist band.

19:34 In the all important battle of the outfits its a win for Cheryl in a black ball gown style number. Danni looks like she’s going to the high school prom.
19:35 Once again, TV cameras bringing live feeds from South Shield and Colchester, the biggest event to happen in either town since the Domesday Book (or Blur last played Essex).
19:36 The “Final 12” are back for a fairly passable rendition of Take That’s Never Forget. Slightly ironic choice as we’ll be in capable of remembering their names by the New Year.
Baby pictures on the back drop. All the other finalists are in black but Joe and Olly get to be dressed in messiah-esque white. I can’t help but sense Olly trying to slightly pinch Joe as he put his arm round him.

19:38 That dance move last night when Olly slid under the legs of the dancers frankly looked perverted.

19:39 Robbie talking about Olly: “I should be taking tips off him…” Yep, sadly that is true. 

19:40 I like that now Stacey’s gone, recaps of last night must only mention Olly and Joe. It’s vaguely Stalinist.

19:41 After the break: the first song of the night. Which will be the highpoint before we have to listen to a Miley Cyrus song twice!

19:43 I do hope they give us a recap after the break, my tiny fish brain might have forgotten all the other recaps.

19:47 “Olly deserves to win because he’s delivered 150%.” Yes Simon, he can bend the laws of mathematics.

Olly reminds us he entered the competition to be an “international superstar” which is possible if he means playing Butlins in 5 years.

19:49 Olly dances like a poorly operated marionette. Twist And Shout should have an air of sexual excitement. Olly makes it sound like a listless jerk into a soiled rag.

19:50 Danni levers in a plug for the tour. Louis *perks up* and Cheryl makes a subliminal hint “t

hrilled to see you here in the bottom two”. Louis also made sure to mention that Olly will have a great career “regardless”, of course because the ink has already dried on his record deal.

19:52 Poor old Michael Underwood, still stood in a car park in Colchester asking an 8-year-old if she’s going to marry Olly. Oh dear…

19:57 Will Journey’s memory never cease to be abused? Here comes Joe bashing out his attempt at Don’t Stop Believin’.

Cheryl really is a little bit in love with Joe. I think she wants to shrink him and attach him to her keyring. Or failing that lock him in her walk-in wardrobe.

20:00 Joe doing Don’t Stop Believin’ is anti-music. It compacts it into a sort of ultra-bland anti-matter. Of course, he has won anyway. “Could there be an upset?” Cowell pondered earlier. He actually meant to say: continuing voting, keep the money making machine churning, I need a new yacht!

20:01 Louis says: “A small boy, a big voice…a big future.” We know he was stopping himself from mentioning lube. All the judges are in raptures about Joe. Simon praises him even more highly than Olly. “You ACTUALLY would have a hit record with that song…” TRANSLATION: You will release that as your second single.”

20:03 Kimberley in South Shields being groped by the Mayor Of South Shields there. Joe cannot GEORDIE GEORDIE thank them GEORDIE GEORDIE enough GEORDIE GEORDIE at home. His animate series must already be in development: Geordie Joe – the super-bland super-hero!

20:05 Incidentally: Glee has just made Don’t Stop Believin’ huge again in the US. It’s coming here in January. So expect Simon to throw Joe’s version out to spoil their party at the start of 2010.

20:09 Here come JLS and Alexandra Burke. It’s an X-Factor two-for.

“We’re the bad boys…” within acceptable day time TV limits with at least one less attractive member for plainer girls.

And here’s Alexandra wearing a handful of sequins doing her best sub-Beyonce shake.

20:11 JLS are doing the classic look-at-the-female-singer-like-she’s-a-fondant-fancy look. It’s at least a fairly exciting performance.

We’re done with Alexandra’s Bad Boy and on to JLS’s Everybody In Love (as excellently sung at them by Harry Hill last night).

20:14 “We have had a fantastic year” say the Alexandra and JLS bots.

20:15 Simon: “As far as I’m concerned, round 1 went to Olly!” But Danni and Louis think “Team Cheryl had it wrapped up!”

Cheryl is being magnanimous: “The nation will decide who won…”

20:17 Here’s Leona Lewis doing Stop Crying Your Heart Out with an X-Factor footage backing. That’s Leona’s USP now isn’t it, sappy smotherings of indie songs. First Snow Patrol were made even more bland, now she’s taken Oasis to the beige factory.

20:26 “We are in the midst of a phenomenal battle tonight…” Oh come on Dermot, it’s not Dunkirk.

20:27 Clearly the choice of a Miley Cyrus song suits Joe better and now we need to hear the same bloody tune twice.


“It will be a massive hit whoever sings it.” Yes Louis, we get it. You could send the dinner lady out and she’s sell a million records. That is not a good thing.

20:33 Oh glad we had time for a recap of the recaps of recapping Olly’s journey.

What is this thing for showing baby photos about? It’s creepy.

20:34 Olly’s nan’s going to “always be sitting on [his] shoulder”? He’ll struggle to do his pointy dance if she insist on doing that.

And now he’s crying. MAN UP.

20:36 Time to hear from Cheryl and Joe. He’s a Geordie if you hadn’t realised. An actual Geordie.

20:37 Oh I’m so glad I get to hear this Miley Cyrus song for the second time in my entire life. The first time only made me want to give up listening to music forever, so this can’t be that bad.

20:38 I think I have just dislocated my jaw through yawning.

20:40 Louis says the song will sell 1m copies and be number one at Christmas. And Joe will beat Olly. Oh good to see Louis going out on the limb by praising the favourite there. Danni is in raptures and the song is “one of her absolute favourite songs”. That proves she hates music.

Simon thinks Joe started shaky but then was “brilliant in the second half”. He can’t call it now. Which is essentially him saying: yes, Joe’s won. Money for me either way.

20:44 Oh schmaltz overload. Joe’s parents don’t have necks. Let’s hope he wins so he can buy them the prosthetic necks they so desperately need.

20:46 So bored of Cheryl’s manipulative crying. “Oh it remind me of when I were a contestant.”

Incidentally, George Michael has turned into a Thunderbird. If I could only have got a screen cap, I could have pointed out the strings.

20:47 Hey! Another recap. Did you idiotic mind let all the other recaps slip out of it? Don’t worry, here’s the UBER-RECAP. All the stuff you saw yesterday and about three minutes ago pushed together into a little cube of memories. Boring, boring memories.

20:50 Here’s George Michael. Look closely for the strings.

But first: a recap of George’s career. Curiously no mention of the car crashes or the toilet.

20:53 George Michael’s Christmas song has mixed up priorities: “Jesus came to stay/and I could watch TV all day.”

21:01 Lines closing soon. Oh, it’s so nervewracking…oh, no, it isn’t. Joe’s going to win.

21:02 Paul McCartney “practically invented pop music”. Oh shut up Dermot.

And yes, Paul McCartney is deemed to require a recap. This is the end of modern culture.

21:03 He’s doing Drive My Car. Joe or Olly should just say: “Nope, I’m not going to try and follow one of The Beatles with a Miley Cyrus song. I’m not insane.”

21:04 Paul McCartney just shared a stage with the X-Factor finalists. Someone hand me a gun. Jedward and Macca, it’s the Frog Chorus all over again.


21:06 Now, Macca’s doing Live And Let Die. Seriously Olly/Joe, just give up now. You cannot come back on and sing The Climb.

21:08 And let’s remember ladies and gentlemen, Paul just played real instruments and sang live.

21:09 “Who’s going to win, Sir Paul?” asks Demot. “Well,” says an

underwhelmed Sir Paul, “one of them’s going to win.”

21:15 Dermot: “Olly and Joe fought their way though an incredible weekend…” Oh yes, it was like the Ardennes all over again.

21:16 Going back to the home towns is essentially just an excuse to hear people constantly scream. Thank God, it’s almost over. I think I may have permanently damaged my typing hands.

21:17 10 million people. If only they’d bother voting in the actual election.

21:18 This is a seriously unnecessarily long gap.

21:19 Oh, Joe’s won. I am SO surprised. Go back to sleep Britain.

21:20 Olly looks utterly unbothered. Well, he’s won too hasn’t he. Lots and lots of lovely, lovely money. And there’s Joe’s single all printed. Ready to download from tonight.

21:21 And he’s singing The Climb AGAIN.

21:22 The X-Factor winner’s song has to be about “the narrative” they’ve followed because they have no personality outside it.

Good point from Ms TV Throng: “This is the only song that will played on the radio between now and February.” Looks like I’m going into hibernation.

21:23 Rachel just grabbed the mic and did a Kanye West though admittedly only to say “I LOVE YOU JOE, I LOVE YOU JOE. YES! YES!” Which is not nearly as mad.

21:24 Simon is thanking the public in a clear attempt to counteract all that Muppets/Rage Against The Machine Love.

21:25 And we go over to South Shields again. Oh I wonder what they’ll be doing. Yes, they’re jumping around and screaming and screaming and screaming. How very interesting.

21:26 The show has just finished and the ad for next year’s auditions is on. It’s the circle of life! Oh no, I mean profit.

21:28 Thanks for watching along with me over these arduous weeks. I’ve been @brokenbottleboy and I’ll be back soon for The Apprentice Live Blogs. More rage, week in week out until I get an ulcer.

19:10 20 minutes until the final and I am ready. Doritos, beer and reservoir of rage at my side, let’s see how the final pans out. The smart money is on Joe for the win with even Cowell secretly rooting for him over Olly but TV Throng HQ is still crossing its fingers for Stacey.

19:27 It’s as close as we’ll get to a greatest hits show tonight with the contestants each doing their audition song, a celebrity due and reprising their favourite performance.

19:31 We’ll get Olly singing Superstition, then chasing after Robbie on Angels and a repeat of A Fool In Love. Joe’ll be doing the ever mawkish Dance With My Father, Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me with George Michael (there’s butch) and Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (which is what he should say when he sings in my opinion). Finally, Stacey will be giving us What A Wonderful World, Feeling Good with Buble and Who Wants To Live Forever (which was stellar the first time around).

19:32 So we start off with a recap of the “journey” with each of the contestants first performance and glimpses of all the contestants gone by. Jedward, Rachel, some of the mad ones. It’s all there.”Only the strongest survive!” bellows Announcer Man, as if we’re going to see the losers put up against a wall and shot.

19:33 Cheryl really thinks Joe has star quality? Well, she is married to Ashley Cole I suppose.

Simon “can’t pick a winner” which actually means “I like Olly but I want Joe to win”.

19:34 There’s ya man Dermot, looking the same as he does every week – he’s like the crappest Action Man in the shop…the new highly poseable Action Presenter Man.

Live feeds to Dagenham, Colchester and South Shields? That only usually happens when there’s been a murder.

19:37 At the end of tonight, someone’s going home. I think it’s gotta be Olly but Stacey has had some shaky weeks recently.

19:38 Danni went to Dagenham? I bet she fitted in brilliantly.

I’ve finally worked out who Stacey reminds me of. She’s a female Dug from Up.

19:39 They went back to Stacey’s school where the headmaster tried to get shot of here once.

19:40 “Danni Minogue’s in my house!” That excitement is why she should win.

19:41 I think the difference between Stacey onstage and puppy-dog offstage Stacey is a really lovely thing. Plus she has got cracking legs.

19:42 They’re keeping it simple for her audition song reprise. Just her sat on a stool belting out What A Wonderful World. It’s a good performance but I suspect that Simon and Louis will try to undermine it.

19:44 OK, so I was wrong with Louis. He was nice about her. Cheryl thinks she “enjoyed it the most [she] ever has”. Simon totally agrees with Cheryl: “You’re a calm nervous wreck who’s singing beautifully. You thoroughly, thoroughly deserve your place here tonight.”

Danni’s had the “most emotional week ever”. Danni needs to get out more.

19:47 Good to see that they’re helping with unemployment by giving professional Essex man Jeff Brazier something to do.

And Dermot’s just trailed the inevitable Jeff/Stacey tryst. Sigh.

19:52 Ah, it’s old potato face Olly Murs. Which means Simon went to Colchester and Essex is the ancestoral home of the Cowells.

19:53 He better not cry this time.

19:54 Simon’s perked the whole visit home thing up with a helicopter.

19:55 Olly’s old school go barmy. My teachers would have made us behave a little less rabid.

Simon loves butter scotch Angel Delight. Let’s send him hundreds of packets. That’ll put him off it. Or you know…don’t. Because he’s alright really isn’t he. Secretly sweet in fact.

19:56 Unlike Joe (who I think is a personality vaccuum), Olly does at least seem like a sweet boy. But I wish he would stop doing his wazzock hands dancing.

19:58 The perfomance of Superstition is slightly over the top, too many flappers and gangster guys. He should have focused on actually, you know, singing the song in a not cheesy way. 5/10.

Louis loved it. He’s done his “you’ve definitely got the X-Factor quote.” Danni loves it and throws some love to the choreographer. Cheryl loves it too. Simon says it’s “the perfomance of his life”.

It’s club singer good not professional singer good.

20:02 Over to Colchester to hear from cheerleaders, football players and other shouty folk. Poor old Michael Underwood, he used to do CBBC. Now he’s got dreadful facial hair.

20:03 Is Dermot legally obliged to call him Geordie Joe? He’s not a cartoon character (though he does only have one expression).

20:08 “Cheryl Cole is looking to make history…” She’s only looking for her singer to win two years in a row, not bloody rewrite British law or change the nature of political discourse. Also: why is she wearing skull based clothes for that school visit?

20:10 Joe’s OK but his nan’s a mega-star. Can we get her a chat show?

20:11 I’m not fussed with Joe’s performance but the Sage is a fantastic building.

20:12 I hate this kind of song. It just sucks all the subtly and sadness out of the world and repaints it with a Dulux version of sentiment. All one shade. I know Joe’s got a nice voice but he’s bland, bland, bland, bland. I want to see an interesting person win!

20:14 Louis tells him he’s brilliant. They all love his voice. He’ll get the most amazing comments because he’s the chosen one. If you want to wind up Simon Cowell, don’t make Rage Against The Machine number 1, vote for Stacey.

20:16 In South Shields, we’ve got a Girls Aloud member – poor old Kimberly. And there’s a baker with Go Joe cookies which “sell faster than sausage rolls”.

20:20 “After the break, some big surprises…” OK Dermot, so…that’ll be the celebrity guests we mentioned earlier won’t it.

20:24 God, we’re only twenty-four minutes in.

Stacey’s in a great red frock and busting out Feeling Good. Where’s Buble?

20:25 Oh they got Stacey to introduce him. That ruined the effect slightly, sultry voice into fish wife.

20:27 She was stonking! Her voice ruled the song, Buble was just along for the ride in his creased little suit. He looked like a competition winner.

20:28 Buble couldn’t work out what Dermot was saying: “Sorry, it was your English accent.”The Queen listens to Buble? Could be time for an uprising.

20:29 Ms TV Throng reminds me that it’s actually been an hour. Meawhile brilliant comment from @electricpig’s @jamesholland on Michael Buble: “He’s devoid of any character, charm, charisma or intrigue.Basically a shop dummy with a larynx.”

20:30 Olly has just given Angels a bit of kicking, now Robbie’s forgotten the words. He looks slightly emotional.

20:33 “I can’t believe how confident this man is…” says Robbie Williams, a man whose ego once destroyed Tokyo.

Incidentally: Robbie didn’t manage to understand Dermot either and he’s English!

20:36 This George Michael/Joe duet does seem more like a grooming.Fair’s fair though, George’s voice is cracking and their duet is probably the best so far.

20:38 George Michael is hedging his bets: “Good luck to all of them.”

20:40 @jamesholland on fire tonight: “George Michael looks like all four of the Village People at once.”

20:43 Does Cheryl Cole keep nipping off for a wee? She’s never in her seat when the break ends. Or is she popping off to see Robbie. Remember Robbie, the eyes will give you away!

20:45 Stacey looking absolutely stunning and doing Who Wants To Live Forever. It’s ace. I do love that she’s essentially wearing a cape. I want her to do the next Bond theme…OK, I’ve gone a bit mad.

20:46 Whoever paid for that shower of sparks, seriously wants to get value from it.

20:47 Louis really wants Stacey in the final. Cheryl thinks she’s incredible and wants her in the final two too. Simon quotes Cheryl’s frequent quote “you smashed it”. Danni again happy and proud.

20:48 PUT HER THROUGH YOU BASTARDS. Stacey MUST be in the final.

20:49 We’re back in Dagenham with Jeff. So much screaming, it’s a waste of time. It’s like a Beatles concert as seen from the perspective of a yawnsome TV presenter.

20:50 Stacey is truly genuine. That’s got to count for something.

20:51 Olly’s batallion of flappers are back. It’s like he’s auditioning for a role as a pimp from the twenties. Fool In Love – just over the top. He’s be the best hotel bar singer in town.

20:52 @electricpig honcho @jamesholland again showing he’s as good TV as he is on tech: “That suit’s about right though. You wrap turkeys in silver foil, right? He’s basically an estate agent doing karaoke.”

Louis: “You’re sexy, Olly.” I suspect Louis wouldn’t be able to stand up right now.

Good point from Ms TV Throng: “Seriously, could Olly not at least have made an effort and shaved??”

20:54 Olly is like the really poor man’s Danny Dyer.

Talking to Olly’s PE teacher, he’s bound to have a good story says Michael. “He’s a really nice guy.” Oh…thrilling.

20:56 “What have I gotta do to make you love me?” Literally more than is physically possible Joe. You’d have to give me a gold pony or the cure for cancer. Singing like a wet weeking in Worksop  is not going to cut the mustard.

20:58 Louis is banging out all the same points again: “You’ve got THE VOICE blah blah blah…of the three people you definitely deserve to be here.” Danni same. Cheryl same. Simon: “You’re really special Joe”. Yes, we get it. You want him to win. You lovely bunch of manipulators. Cheryl absolutely “adores him”, she’s on the edge of tears again. Will you please give it a rest with the weeping.

21:00 Now over to Kimberley for all the screaming and unnecessary noise in South Shields. Poor old Kimberley, she’s in the ACTUAL Girls Aloud you know. And now she’s stuck in South Shields. Di Cheryl really suffer all that for nothing?

21:07 Robbie’s coming back after the break? Have they dosed him up with anti-psychotics?

21:10 Cheryl once again late back to her seat. Does she have some kind of complicated under-carriage arrangement going on?

21:11 Robbie seems to be brandishing a Freddie Mercury-style mic stand and the voice of a C-grade Northern club singer.

21:15 Voting is FROZEN. After the break, we lose one. Fingers crossed for Olly to go.

I now realise why Cheryl’s been struggling, she’s sewn into her dress.

21:20 DRA-MA-TIC MU-SIC! DRA-MA-TIC MU-SIC! It’s the result.

21:21 Olly? Oh for god’s sake. I bet that means no more Stacey.

21:22 Yep, it’s Joe and Olly in the final. Rubbish. She’s the best.

21:23 She’s so gracious. “I came third!” She’s the best. Let’s all buy her record and ignore the other two.

21:25 I know a lot of people like the pair of them but I just don’t think either of them are stars. If I had to predict I’d say Joe to win. He’s been killing it in the phone votes week in week out.

21:26 See you tomorrow for the final bit of The Final. I’ll be disappointed whatever happens.

19:30 Howdy X-Factorinos, tonight’s one of the big ones – who will make it into the final? All I know is that if Danyl does and Stacey doesn’t, that’s my week ruined.

Tonight’s celebrity guests? Janet Jackson (allowed in thanks to Michael Jackson week) and Lady Gaga who is bound to be the highlight of tonight’s repetitive clip-fest.

19:33 Does announcer man need. to. do. his. big. dramatic. voice. on. every. single. word?

Also: what a stick-up on Stacey that was last night. The only performer to (undeservingly) receive bad feedback.

19:34 And I don’t care what The X-Factor producers think, nobody cares less about Janet Jacko, it’s all about Gaga. She’ll blow Janet off the stage.

19:36 I don’t think Dermot is actually physically capable of genuine excitement. I think they have to juice him up before they push him out on stage.

19:37 Louis’s the kingmaker now that none of his acts are left. That’s a frightening prospect.

19:38 It’s the group performance. Joe sings Wanna Be Startin’ Something like the guy at the McDonalds’ drive through asking if I want fries.

19:39 The whole performance is god awful. Either Danyl or Olly has been doing the Jacko style whoops. Someone call Quincy Jones, they need a good slap.

19:41 “It’s the story of last night…” aka, we’ve gotta fill this time somehow.

Olly really does have a potato for a head.

Joe’s “I’m a sad puppy performance” really does enrage me. And the judges comments were ultra-tactical. “Joe was literally note perfect…he’s the one to watch,” says Simon. He wants him as the winner, hence the alleged choice of a Miley Cyrus song as the Christmas single, cutesy teen pop for the lil man.

Putting the boot into Stacey was unfair: “Putting her in the silly hat, walking on the silly chairs.” OK, we get it Simon, you don’t want her to win.

19:43 What WAS the polar bear behind Danyl about? A real one, I could have got behind.

Olly’s We Can Work It Out was pasable. How you could he go wrong performing that Stevie Wonder classic…oh no wait…Simon, I think The Beatles wrote that.

19:44 Joe’s second song being praised as if he’d just discovered a cure for Simon’s creeping waistband syndrome.

“It’s becoming the Joe show,” says Simon. Stop wishing out loud.

19:45 Stacey got a little bit of love for her second song. “She was incredible,” says Louis.

19:46 They say, if you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all. So I’m not going to add any more comments about bloody crybaby Danyl.

19:47 Louis slags Stacey’s second song again, actually laughing about it. This is the man who pimped out Jedward.

19:48 After the break, it’s Gaga. I bet she’s dressed as some kind of cyber-devil-dominatrix.

19:53 Here’s Gaga with Bad Romance. Killer tune, totally insane performer – exactly the kind of combination the X-Factor doesn’t usually deliver.

19:54 She’s dressed as some kind of robot vampire bat. It’s immense.

19:55 Oh and did I mention, she and the backing dancers are in a giant bath full of bubbles?

19:56 And she’s just shouted bitch at 5 to 8 on a Sunday night. Is “bitch” an acceptable pre-watershed word. Fucked if I know. Ooops.

19:58 Now for Dermot and Gaga’s awkward conversation.

Dermot: “Where did you get this bath from?”
Lady Gaga: “I stole it from Simon.”

You’ve gotta love Gaga’s new nose. That’s what several million album sales buys you, a new shnozz.

20:05 Lines are now closed. Who’s getting the boot? Please say Olly or Danyl. Thanks.

20:06 Now it’s time for Janet. Hope she avoids any a) wardrobe malfunctions b) bad tributes to her brother.

20:07 Janet’s hopped into a time machine to grab some kind of weird 80s power-jumpsuit and a pair of horrible trainers. Don’t think she’s singing live either, mind. As predicted, compared to Gaga’s mad bathing bat routine, it’s a bit…you know…boring.

20:10 No interview with Dermot. They’re probably worried he’d clumsily refer to her dead brother: “So…um…tough year for you, Janet. Yeah? Yeah? Wasn’t it.”

20:16 OK, we know you’ve all got a dream. But I’ve dreamed about being a journalist turned fire throwing superhero before, that doesn’t mean I should be allowed to do it.

20:18 Olly’s in the final. Oh dear… And of course he’s crying. Can they not just man up a bit?

20:19 Joe’s through. That means it’s down to Danyl and Stacey. If it’s Danyl, I am out of here.

20:20 IT’S STACEY! Bye bye Danyl.

He’s doing his odd smug smile. Is this because he knows he’s got a deal with Simon already.

“I’ve gone out to some of the best people I’ve ever met,” says Danyl. Zoom in on the piece of paper in his back pocket that says “be graceful”.

Danyl will be back with a record deal imminently.

20:26 Olly stop crying. Stacey is just making sounds. Joe is the only one behaving vaguely human.

19:50 Evening X-Factorinos, I’ve been in a non-X-Factor time zone for two weeks but I flew back when I heard it was Michael Jackson week. Expect inappropriate comments from Louis, Joe looking doe-eyed and Simon laying in to Stacey.

This week’s songs:

Danyl (who is getting more insufferable with every week) is opting for Man In The Mirror as his Jacko song and Whitney Houston’s I Have Nothing as his second song (you took the words out of my mouth).

Olly seems to have got over his chest-hair bearing problem and is singing Can You Feel It and Stevie Wonder’s version of We Can Work It Out.

Joe “He’s-From-The-Same-Place-As-Cheryl-Cole-You-Know” McElderry is going for She’s Out Of My Life and Open Arms by Journey (um…OK).

Stacey (who is apparently suffering with infected wisdom teeth) is singing The Way You Make Me Feel and Something from West Side Story.

While TV Throng HQ is putting its full backing behind Stacey, my little birdie at X-Factor HQ tells me Simon’s pushing for Joe to win. Let’s all just agree on one thing – please don’t let it be Danyl.

20:02 One good thing about hitting the semi-finals is that we’ve only got a few more weeks of bloody Brightdancing left.

20:03 “Tonight the competition is on…” says Joe. Oh Joe, what were you doing the rest of the time. All of the contestants quotes in the exciting opening montage are utterly moronic. I suspect someone is showing them cards with words scrawled on them in crayon.

20:04 Reality show maths. 100% is never enough. 150% or you’re just not bloody trying.

20:05 “…fighting for a place in the final.” If they’d do that with brass knuckles…well, imagine the viewing figures.

20:06 “Tonight, we play tribute to the legend, Michael Jackson…” If none of the semi-finalists incorporate dangling a baby out of a window into their dance routine, I will not be impressed.

20:07 Cheryl vs Danni dress watch: Danni in red, Cheryl in black and white looking half-dressed.

20:08 Quick montage to remind us who Michael Jackson was. Looks like it was edited by someone with serious attention issues. The changing skin tone is almost strobing.

20:08 Simon pays tribute to Michael Jackson and sucks up to Janet. Says it’s the worst night to go out but that he’s “pretty confident” he’ll have two people in the final. Cross your fingers Britain, we don’t want Danyl in the final.

20:10 Olly sounds flat. But he’s in the classic “save-the-world” Jacko white. He just doesn’t seem genuine to me. It’s a Saturday night at Butlins performance.

20:13 Louis liked it, Danni liked it (“you were grabbing the package”, dirty!), Cheryl loves him and, of course, Simon thought he was fantastic: “You should have been a bag of nerves…once again you put on a great show, you’ve got the presence of the star.” Not from the this sofa, he doesn’t.

20:15 They better not spend the whole bloody show just being nice about everyone. Olly was bobbins.

20:19 Oh it’s Joe. Isn’t he cute? If he was a puppy in the dog’s home, I’d leave him there. He’d give you the big sweet eyes and then piss on your rug.

20:21 She’s Out Of My Life? You’re out of the tune.

20:23 Joe doesn’t have star quality. He’s honestly got less personality than belly button fluff.

20:26 The judges say he’s brilliant. “You’re the most consistent performer…” says Louis. Danni loves loves loves him. Simon says: “You’re just getting better and better and better. That’s one of the best versions of the song I’ve ever heard.” They’ll be crowning him king of the studio next. He’s anointed the winner already. Another reason to vote for Stacey.

20:27 Good point from Ms TV Throng in Dublin: “Why the blah songs?” She’s right – none of Jacko’s best hits really.

20:28 Time for my weekly moment of sincerity: Stacey has to win. She’s lovely and always performs well. She’s got a personality and a child that it would mean a lot to. If she doesn’t win, it’ll be a travesty.

20:29 Stacey’s gone for a Caberet style outfit. It’s GREAT. She’s tapped into the sexy. You almost forget her usual Dagenham tones.

20:30 Louis puts the boot in: “I thought it was the wrong song.”

But Cheryl disagrees: “Talk about yummy mummy…” Oh Cheryl, don’t be putting images into my head.

And, as predicted, Simon’s putting the boot in. They don’t want Stacey in the final because they want Joe to win. Tactical bitching.

20:38 In preparation for Danyl’s appearance, I’ve had to break out a beer.

20:39 “I’ve had so many ups and downs.” Yes, that’s it, let’s focus on your narrative. Look: I know he’s a good singer but he’s very false. Him vs Stacey? No contest.

20:41 They’ve busted out the gospel choir. It’s a good performance even though I’m highly disturbed by the leather trousers. If he performs that well on his second song, he’s definitely in the final. Damn!

20:43 Louis and Danni confused by Simon’s odd choice of polar bear themed video behind Danyl. Great comments on the vocals from all the judges.

Simon angry that Louis and Danni have commented on the polar bears.

20:44 “I feel like a better person…” Oh, good lord Danyl, give it a rest.

20:46 Recaps. Mr Potato Head…I mean, Olly, can’t help but do the “sexy finger pointing” and Joe’s sad face makes me angry. Danyl was excellent (sadly) and Stacey did look slightly like a dodgy Police Lady strippergram.

20:52 “This one song could change my life…” That’s it, ramp it up Olly.

20:53 Olly’s doing We Can Work It Out but he might as well be singing the phone book. He’s singing the words as if their meaning is just an abstract concept to him.

20:54 And his crazy legs dancing makes him look like he’s wearing badly fitted incontinence pants.

20:56 “I like the fact that you didn’t pick a well known song.” Have you not heard of The Beatles, Louis?

“This song takes me back because it’s a Stevie Wonder song…” Oh come on Simon, he COVERED it.

Good comments across the board although Louis did brand him “like Jay Kay from Jamiroquai” which in my book is like saying he’s like ebola.

20:59 If I made a Geordie Muppet character, he’d look like Joe.

He’s doing another wet ballad. It’s like he’s been neutered.

21:02 Oh, he’s brilliant, fantastic, wonderful says Louis and Danni. Simon does the old bait and switch: “On the biggest night of your life, your mentor gives you a song nobody knows and you know what…she was right!” He’ll be in the final then. Just wait for them to all give Stacey a bit of a boot. Simon invites Joe’s granny on to his shows “any time”. She’s more of a star than her grandson.

21:09 Stacey’s mum does not have it going on or for that matter the funny voice. Her sister does though. She’s mini-Stacey.

21:10 It’s back to the classic approach: big dress, stand still, belt out the song. That’s a safe bet for Stacey.

21:12 Nice comments all round – “the Diva from Dagenham”, says Louis. But they tried to knobble her in the first half. If she’s not in the final, I’m not interested (I know that makes me sound like an RBS banker threatening to resign but hey ho…)

21:19 Even Danyl’s mum is annoying. And I do wish they’d all stop saying: “This is the most important thing for me…” And please stop bloody crying!

21:21 I have to admit his first performance was good but this is just bland. This is the kind of performance you get distracted by when you’re trying to enjoy a pint in a hotel bar.

21:22 Louis’s second “I’d buy that version in the morning” comment. Is he finding it hard to spend his cash? I could chuck him some ideas.

Simon doesn’t think the “criticism” has been fair. Has he not been constantly told he’s great? Do you just want us to worship him as a crying, babyish god?

21:23 Danyl: “We’ve all worked really hard but I feel so lucky…” Activate sincerity protocol. Pour water on him and he’d malfunction.

21:25 Right: one final message – VOTE FOR STACEY, GODDAMN YOU.


19:59 Evening X-Factorinos, sorry for not joining you for Wham! night but I’ve spent the afternoon catching up and getting ready for decision time tonight. Here at Throng Towers we’d love to see a) Louis stop banging on about rules and b) Danyl to get the boot. He was flat last night and we honestly can’t face looking at his smug face any longer. But hey, that’s just our opinion.

Tonight’s musical guests: Susan Boyle and Mariah Carey. Would love to see the backstage conversation between those two.

20:03 What do you think they’ll have dressed SuBo up as? And can Mariah really be happy sharing a bill with her? Oh so many questions.

And, of course, it’s the last final showdown of the series. Next week it’ll be down to the…dun dun duh…Final Five.

20:05 It’s the group performance…sigh. They’re doing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go and as usual I feel like I’ve been put into a punishment camp run by sadistic Butlins’ guards. I suspect we have to endure this every week to sell more tickets for the roadshow of mediocrity known as The X Factor: Live Tour.

20:07 The X-Factor charity single is number one. “It never stops amazing me, the generosity of the public,” says Simon. I think they should have just forked over some cash and saved the environment from a pile of unwanted CD singles. Oh and for all this talk of the songs of “the great George Michael,” nobody’s mentioned poor old Andrew Ridgley – Justice For The Wham! One.

20:10 “I feel like I’m back in the 80s,” says one or other of Jedward. What a foetus?

20:13 Here comes Susan Boyle. Nice bit of black and white, pathos laden footage of Boyle’s journey. It’s still a great story despite the unpleasantness that followed her second place finish in Britain’s Got Talent.

20:14 Boyle’s in black and giving us her version of Wild Horses. Far too much slap but she’s bringing out the inherent sadness of the original.

20:20 SuBo’s also stil incredibly uncomfortable doing interviews. I really hope they look after her properly on this promo tour. She’s super-vulnerable.

20:23 Lines are now closed!

Also: I was disappointed that even though it was George Michael night last night, no one fell asleep stoned in their car. Where’s the imagination!

20:24 Tonight, Danni and Louis could get knocked out. But I don’t think they will. If Stacey isn’t in the final, the competition is a total joke.

20:27 You may speculate on SuBo’s mental state but to be fair, there’s only one truly mad person on tonight’s show and her name is Mariah. Also, I Wanna Know What Love Is?, have they run out of original songs for Mimi to vocally batter?

20:30 Mariah roughed that song up like it owed her money.

20:35 Will we ever be told what the hell “bright-dancing” is?

20:26 Right, time for the results. Activate “serious face” please Dermot.

20:37 Stacey’s back next week. Fantastic.

20:38 Oh, so’s Danyl. That’s a shame.

John & Edward and Ollie are going to battle it out. This will be awesome tabloid fodder tomorrow. Especially if Ollie goes.

John & Edward are doing Boyzone. Ollie’s doing Clapton. I’d quite like John & Edward to stay because…well…imagine Simon’s face.

20:45 John & Edward are entertaining but can they seriously do No Matter What?

20:46 Nope, they can’t. They’re so off key, they’ve stumbled into tune in an alternate dimension.

20:48 I still want them to stay. Ollie is bland.

20:50 Olly looks like a badly painted Easter Egg. Wonderful Tonight is one of Clapton’s blandest songs and Olly manage to make it ultra-bland, like he smothered it in a brand new element that just sucks the interest out of the world leaving a blackhole made of MOR radio transmissions.

20:51 Simon’s sending Jedward home. But he’s being nice: “If you go home tonight, I’m actually going to miss you.”

20:52 Cheryl’s sending Jedward home.

Louis can’t believe Lloyd is still here and Olly’s in the bottom two.

20:53 It’s down to Danni. If she chooses Olly, it’s deadlock. She wants to know: “Is this a singing competition we’re voting on?” Oh just answer the question Danni. She’s obviously going to send John & Edward home. Jedward are out!

20:55 “Olly deserved to go through,” as usual Jedward treated the result with utter dignity. I think they’ll have a nice little presenting career and making huge fistfuls of cash. Goodbye, Ant and Dec?

20:56 From next week: two songs from each artist and only the public vote counts. Now it gets really interesting. Also: Rhianna’s on next week!

19:36 Twenty-five minutes until Queen week and the elves at TV Throng headquarters are still in a rage about the loss of Lucie in favour of the Jedward. Simon’s been under-fire all week and has promised to explain his decision this week – will he just plead insanity?


John and Edward‘s Under Pressure with a smattering of Ice Ice Baby will rely on the production to hide the true horror of their performance again but a fire-wielding Phoenix in the shape of Freddie Mercury will appear to strike them down. Alright, wishful thinking…

Joe singing Somebody To Love just won’t be convincing, neither will Lloyd with Crazy Little Thing Called Love. They’re just too neutered to capture the twinkle in the eye that Freddie Mercury brought to those songs.

Stacey performing Who Wants To Live Forever is the first great song choice of the night. She’ll give it some welly.

Danyl will handle We Are The Champions well but I fear that Jamie’s performance of Radio Ga Ga will reveal how anaemic and pub rock his “rocker” style performances are.

Olly Murs, the man with the potato for a head, will make me wish Don’t Stop Me Now was actually called, I Am Going To Stop Now.

Brian May and Roger Taylor will manage to diminish Queen’s legacy more than Ben Elton’s ever managed.

20:01 Saving Jedward last night was so calculated that it’s actually a total disgrace. I do think they should probably shouldn’t have talked about it on Question Time though. Unless Brown’s thinking of sticking Jedward into his cabinet. They’d still be better than Harriet Harman.

20:04 One Vision as the intro music for Dermot. His vision? Something bland probably…

20:05 “Tonight they tackle music from one of this country’s crown jewels…” and tarniish them.

20:06 The judges are introduced by Theme From Flash Gordon, that IS a tune. The only upside of tonight will be these brief moments of hearing original versions of Queen tracks.

20:07 Simon’s making his explanation. First up he’s attacking Sting for calling the contestants “karaoke no hopers”. He says the show has given people a shot. He’s just invited Sting to come on the show and give his opinions.

Now he’s explaining the Jedward decision. He reminds us he’s thrown some of his contestants in the past. Yes Simon but you had taken weeks to slag Jedward. “I trust the public…” Really? Really? REALLY?

20:09 “This week we went to the Dominion Theatre…” That’ll be this week’s version of “we went to a film premiere…”

“Freddie Mercury was the lead singer of Queen.” Boy, I’m glad Jamie’s giving us a history lesson.

20:10 Cheryl says she fears Jamie will try to do a Freddie tribute act. I hope he’s opted for the chaps. At least we’ll get a laugh then.

20:11 I feel like I’m listening to a karaoke singer’s performance piped through a transistor radio. He’s singing it like a power-ballad. The backing track is seriously supporting him.

20:13 Simon liked it and it looks like Danni did too. “You really know how to get the crowd going…” Cheryl thinks his hair should have been bigger. And Louis says the hair is big but the voice is small. He’s correct. The rest of the judges don’t agree but they’re wrong. Jamie plays to the crowd: “Those guys count!”

20:20 “Ooooh, I’m Lloyd, I am sooooo Welsh.”

Lloyd: “I didn’t know who Queen were. I wasn’t born until the ’90s.” And you want to be a singer? Good gravy.

20:22 Lloyd looks like a poor innocent boy who’s been kidnapped by the para-military wing of Spearmint Rhino. Put him next sexy stripper style dancers and he just seems like a sixth former who took a wrong turn.

20:24 The panel will now tell us Lloyd is brilliant. They have clearly got waxy build-up in their ears or acid in their water jug. Danni: “You’ve arrived…” Louis: “Much improved…” Oh here comes the bump in the road. Simon: “You’re like a puppy taking part in the Grand National…but it was better than last week.” Cheryl: “It was lovely to watch you this week, you’ve come into your own.”

20:26 “Get ready for the hips! Essex boy Ollie,” says Dermot. In a parallel universe I’m the compere: “Get ready for the face, the big big potato face.”

20:31 OK, here comes Ollie. I promise I’ll give him a chance.

At the start of the week he cracked his knuckle so he’s wearing a sling. A little excessive…

Brian May: “He really got something out of that song…”

The cast on his arm is an excuse. TV Throng’s resident medical expert smells a rat.

20:34 “Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time…” sung by Ollie in a way that sounds like he’s actually going to pop some Xanax and throw himself off a bridge. But it’s perked up now with some unnecessary body popping moves. Oh Friedman, your choreographing little scamp.

Good point from TV Throng’s elder statesman: why do some performers get loads of production (Ollie tonight, Jedward everytime) while others just get a couple of dancers. Seems unfair.

20:35 I have to admit that Ollie has set the standard tonight. Bit flat to start with but the performance and vocal is good. He’s safe.

20:36 Danni thinks he’s the best performer in the show by far. Nice. But “musically, the song swallowed up the vocals.” Louis loved it. It was the hip gyration that did it for him I suspect. Cheryl looks forward to seeing him each week: “You’re in here for the long haul.” Simon is obviously ecstatic: “For once I agree with Louis. You are reminding me of Robbie Williams…” Must. resist. fat. dancer. jibe.

20:39 Joe is a professional little cheeky chappy and has he mentioned that he and Cheryl are from the same area. Oh, he has? Really? What every week within seconds of appearing on screen? Oh yeah, I remember.

The Queen shills like him.

20:40 “This is a big big song,” says Simon. Oh lordy…

20:41 I see, Joe gets a big production too, a massive choir on either side of him.

He’s singing it well but it’s musical theatre rather than rock. He’s a shoe-in for a part in We Will Rock You and for a kicking from Louis.

20:43 Joe did a long note at the end of his song last week and that worked so this week it’s lots of long notes for him to show off with. He did well but he just leaves me cold.

20:44 Danni loves him. She’s just a bit of a cougar isn’t she. She wants a buffet made up of Joe, Lloyd and Daniel.

20:44 Louis is on about the rules again, criticising the use of the choirs. This from the man who slathers Jedward in so many dancers you almost miss them on stage. Wind your stubby neck in Louis.

20:51 John and Edward. Oh I don’t know what I can say about them anymore.

Simon: “There’s something about these two, they’ve won me over a little bit…” I think Simon might be losing his mind.

20:53 Under Pressure. They’re dressed in bizarre silver suits and jump into Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. I actually don’t think they’re singing it that badly.

20:56 In a bizarre twist, I found that entertaining. But Louis was cheating by putting Ice Ice Baby in there. Not Queen.

20:57 “So Louis, the rulebook…” Danni is not impressed with Louis twisting the rules. “So there’s Louis’s rules and everyone else’s rules.”

No boos from the crowd. Is the tide turning?

Cheryl reminds us that they are just 17 and are entertaining. Oh Cole, you are so wise.

20:58 Simon: “I can’t judge you in the real world anymore. I have to judge you in Jedward Land and there, that was your best performance. There’s no point in me getting angry or serious about this. You’ve conducted yourself very well in this competition…” Simon just remembered that he created Zig and Zag.

Louis mentions someone jumping up from the crowd onto the stage. I missed it while I was typing but heyho, the tabloids will go absolutely mad for the story tomorrow.

21:06 Stacey is my favourite now. She’s insane and she deserves to win it.

Brian and Roger love her. For once I agree with them.

21:09 Stacey just put on a show stealingly good performance. The only singer of the night who truly did their song justice. No frills. It was amazing.

Louis loved it: “Vote for Stacey!”

Cheryl: “That was absolutely stunning.”

Simon: “I will always, always be honest with you. That was BY A MILE the best performance of the night.” And the crowd goes wild…

Danni: “You’ve made so proud. You’ve grown into a woman overnight…” Oh Christ Danni, she’s a mother for god’s sake. She’s not a teenage idiot.

21:17 Dannyl just LOVES himself. Simon thinks its the “I’ve been knocked down” lyric is what does it for Dannyl. He needs to find the middle ground. I’d say – try human.

21:19 Danyl looks like a cartoon raccoon. But if you want a reasonable comment, TV Throng’s elder statesman says he sounds the same every week. True that. It sounds anaemic not anthemic.

21:20 Why does he need to split “curtain call” into “curtain ca-all-all”.

21:21 Danni thinks it was his best performance in the live shows. Cue his fake “surprised face”. Louis thinks he’s “got it al”. Cheryl was “won over” and she thinks he looks “really handsome” (looking for an Ashley replacement?)

21:24 Right, voting now open. I don’t want to influence you but Seriously Think About Counting Everything You’ve heard.

21:26 PS. Calvin Harris was the stage invader and is banned from Xtra Factor now too. Nice one Calvin.

20:01 It’s the results and our predictions at TV Throng HQ? Lloyd and Lucie in the bottom too. Possibly Jamie. Tonight’s musical guests – Leona Lewis and the Black Eyed Peas. Ms TV Throng doesn’t mind the Black Eyed Peas, I’d rather get a punch up the bracket than listen to them.

20:02 Here come the judges, introduced with the Superman Theme. Grandiose much?

20:04 Watching the group performance is like being trapped in the Butlins on the South coast of Hell. This week it’s Katy Perry’s Hot And Cold. It’s…luke warm.

20:07 The recaps and once again, Ollie’s performance has made Ms TV Throng leave the room!

20:08 Louis and Cheyl arguing over Lloyd. Sorry Cheryl but the leprecaun is right, he’s bobbins.

20:09 Recap of Louis all angry about Gummo. People need to send him DVD copies. “Louis should be a traffic warden,” says Simon. I think he’s under-qualified.

20:10 Dannyl was very good last night. I hate writing that. I am simply jealous that Ms TV Throng fancies him.

20:11 Still shocked that Simon said Jedward were “sort of good”.

“To be fair to the boys, they probably are better rapping than singing. They can’t sing.” OK so he wasn’t that nice to them.

20:12 A recap of the Black Eyed Peas career. They were a great underground hip-hop act that got bored with acclaim and went for money.

Here’s Fergie being lowered from the rafters on a moon. She looks…unusual. The rapper who isn’t has a nice mohawk going.

20:14 Where’s Oh, he’s just been flown in on strings like Tinkerbell with bling.

20:16 Now he’s playing a keytar – that is AMAZING.

20:17 Dermot is medically incapable of sounding genuine.

20:18 “Don’t take people’s opinions and let it affect you,” says There’s a lesson he learned from the My Humps period.

20:19 Cheryl leant Fergie her shoes. Oh there’s a nice story for the tabs.

20:24 Louis and Dermot make up. I think they’d already done that earlier involving a bearsuit and a big pot of lube.

Louis thinks Lloyd is at risk. Dannii ducks the question. Simon thinks Lloyd’s in the line of fire to go. Cheryl not impressed.

20:25 Here comes Leona Lewis!

20:27 She is a class act. Shames there’s no one this year who can really compete.

20:28 Comment from Adrienne, honorary TV Throngette: “That poppy is ruining her look!” I agree.

20:31 Ms TV Throng loves Leona’s dress. I just love Leona.

20:32 Simon says she’s an “inspiration”. Yep, to his bank balance!

20:37 I always want to sing “It’s the RESULTS, it’s the RESULTS” over the dramatic music. I think I need help.

20:38 Joe’s through (sigh). Jamie looks smug. Ollie’s through (clearly fans of his chest hair voting there). Stacey’s through (hurrah!) Lloyd’s through (seriously? who the hell voted for him? hands up please teenage girls). Danyl’s through (no surprises there).

20:40 John and Edward and Lucie in the final two. Jamie’s through. Gotta be John And Edward going. John and Edward are going. Simon won’t vote to save them, neither will Cheryl or Dannii. It’s the end of the road for the little oddballs.

20:45 Simon says he’ll base it on the performance tonight. Lies!

Dannii says she’s suprised Lucie has to sing again. I think it’s a shame but it was a bad song choice that put her there.

20:47 Lucie’s singing Whitney Houston’s One Moment In Time. It’s a decent rendition but it doesn’t matter because this vote must be a foregone conclusion. Although: could Simon vote for John and Edward because they’d be less competition. Tactical move?

20:50 Running around hasn’t exactly helped John and Edward with the…erm…singing bit of the whole “sing a song to survive” challenge. Then again, Robin Williams sings Rock DJ like a goose farting in the fog.

20:52 Dannii saves Lucie, Louis saves John and Edward. Up to Cherly and Simon. Cheryl says she loves Jedward but she’s sending them home. Simon has got to vote against them hasn’t he. Or has he…Mr Drama. He’s loving this.

20:53 Simon says he doesn’t think either of them can win. “Who would I rather see again? Probably the boys…” Oh, he’s gonna pull the suprise card out of the pack isn’t he.

He’s letting the public decide. Pussy.

20:54 Ms TV Throng thinks Simon getting to avoid choosing is a swizz.

20:55 Lucie got less votes and Jedward survive. She must be totally gutted.

20:56 “Lads! Please go and join the other contestants.” Dermot really gets aggressive.

Lucie’s leaving music? I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. Such a terrible cliche song.

20:57 Sad to see Lucie go. She’s so much better than Jedward. Dannii: “I just wish all the good singers good luck in this SINGING competition…I obviously did something wrong.”

20:58 OK, folks joke’s over. Let’s get Jedward out of there. They’re already the PJ and Duncan of the 21st Century.

20:59 Next week…Shakira! Shakira!

Thanks for watching with me folks.

19:43 Fifteen minutes until this week’s cavalcade of movie song perfomances, fake controversy between the judges and Jedward sliming someone in the face (Simon “Someone” Cowell, I suspect). Frankly, I very nearly didn’t turn up tonight after the public failed to vote for my beloved Rachel. I hope she becomes the British Rhianna – she’s got the haircut already – but you know, without the lashings of domestic violence. I’m shifting my loyalty to Lucie.


Olly with take Twist And Shout and twist it into something utterly unrecognisable.

Jamie’s Crying will be passable but as Louis has said before, pub singer-like.

Danyl will do a version of Prince’s Purple Rain that will make girls swoon and me gag.

Joe will do a seriously schmaltzy version of the Circle of Life, more sugary than Elton John could ever have imagined.

Lloyd will redefine the word “average” performing Stand By Me.

Stacey will do a pretty decent Dusty impression doing Son of a Preacher Man but will spoil it by talking in her real voice immediately afterwards.

Disappointingly, Lucie is singing a song from 2008’s Camp Rock, which is hardly a classic of the movie music genre.

John and Edward
will do an entertainly awful version of the Ghostbusters Theme and take their sparring with Cowell up a level.

20:02 Louis hopes Simon does leave the competition if Jedward win. It’s not such an unlikely prospect is it?

Movie week should be fun but I’m sure it’s also going to be seriously painful. If Jedward to a crotch thrust on the “bustin’ makes me feel good” line, I’m kicking in my telly.

20:03 Is it me or does Dermot get more lifeless every week? Oh and he doesn’t know how to say respite.

20:04 The judges come on to the Star Wars theme. I think they should play the Imperial March whenever Simon talks.

20:05 First up, it’s Stacey Solomon. Body from Baywatch, voice from Romford, face from Primark.

20:06 “This week we got to go to the world premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol…” Boy, it’s an advertorial for A Christmas Carol. Stacey has only just watched Pulp Fiction. “It was a bit…um…bloody and that.”

20:07 Cheryl, X-Factor’s resident expert on sexy, doesn’t think Stacey has it in here. I could do a cheap “has it in her” pun here but I’m clearly above that.

20:08 Stacey’s doing pretty well. Ms TV Throng declares: “She’s my new favourite…” Apart from Daniel that is, who she has a bit of a thing for. I have a think for Daniel too, it’s a two-by-four with a nail hammered into it.

20:09 Just noticed that Danni’s back in her old seat. There’s that controversy done.

Louis talking bollocks. He didn’t like it. Cheryl’s done a sexy u-turn, she thinks Stacey pulled it off. Simon says it was “a typical talent show performance” and compares it to the insubstantial quality of a Chinese meal. Stacey answers back. She may be my new favourite (especially as Lucie’s song choice is terrible). Simon thinks Stacey’s vulnerable. Danni says he’s out of touch. I think she’s right.

20:11 Dear Dermot, you’re flirting with the female contestants is about as convincing as watching Charles Hawtree playing Alfie.

20:12 Ollie has a potato face. That’s all I’ve got. He has a potato for a head.

20:17 The “incredible Ollie Murs”? He abused the Beatles last week and now he’s going to diddle all over one of the songs that they memorably covered. What’s next? Dressing up like John Lennon and cracking on to Yoko Ono?

Simon says he’s picked the song because he loves Ferris Bueller’s Day Out. I think Simon thinks of himself as a bit of a Ferris.

Ollie says he’s going to “make the song his own”. How about you just sing it properly?

20:19 Ollie’s performance makes Ms TV Throng leave the room in disgust. She said it far betrer than I could with words. Her comment on returning to the room? “I hate what he does with his fingers.” No, I have no idea what that means either.

20:21 I’m sure Ollie’s a lovely bloke yaddah yaddah but he must go this week. This wholesale abuse of popular musical history has to end.

20:22 “Everybody likes you…” says Louis. Whenever he says something nice like that, it’ll go nasty next. He says Simon picked a bad song and he didn’t like the dancing.

Danni said something was missing and that Ollie didn’t seem to believe in the song. And she didn’t like the movie inspired dance routine. Cheryl wants him to sing something modern. Cover of Fight For This Love next week. Simon differs to the audience. They like him. Well, they’d like bear baiting if we put that on ITV1.

20:25 Lloyd Daniels – the cute little blonde one, he’s for teenage girls and gay men. Oh and that sore throat guff last week? It was a strategy.

“This week, we all went to the world premiere of Disney’s Christmas Carol.” Always the same words, you can tell a Disney PR was stood behind the camera.

20:26 Oh dear.

This is just offensive. He’s so out of his depth. Ben E King had a voice as rich as chocolate cake. This is like being given a bag of those broken biscuits they sell on the market. Oh and now it’s gone into some kind of club remix section. No, just no, OK.

Did you spot the obligatory shot of Simon and Cheryl arguing?

20:29 Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth. Exactly. Sometimes Louis is like an idiot savant.

Danni’s going technical talking about his treatment of the notes. It’s her “I’m a proper singer”.

Simon says it was nice “like having tea with your mum”. Oh, he’s in trouble with Ma Cowell now.

He liked the dancey, youth bit.

Cheryl is kicking off on Simon: “That’s unfair.” This is the moment designed to be on the page’s of Dan Wooton’s News Of The World gossip column tomorrow – Simon and Cheryl clash.

20:37 Last week was a “tough week” claims Jamie. He was really plain and boring.

We see him at the premiere “I actually feel famous”. Oh here comes the egomania.

20:28 Simon has changed Jamie’s song again. The movie Crying appears in is Gummo (Louis wants to know who’s heard of it?). Well, anyone who knows Harmony Korine is really.

20:39 He makes me feel queasy. It’s just totally inauthentic. He’s a good singer but it just doesn’t get beneath the service.

20:41 Louis is back on his “Simon breaks the rules” trip again. It’s very boring. Simon isn’t cheating. Someone send Louis the IMDB link. Danni gets us back on track by saying he did well and got past the pub rocker thing.

Cheryl says ditching Unchained Melody was a good idea and that the song is “cheesy”. Simon says: “We’d have based it on the U2 version. Look at Youtube, sweetheart, it’s not cheesy.” Oh handbags. Ms TV Throng has it right, these tabloid fodder arguments are BORING.

20:48 Here comes Lucie – hubbah hubbah etc. Ms TV Throng looking unimpressed.

“We went to the premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol…” Really? You went to where? To do what? Really? Oh thanks Disney PR. “Is there anything more boring than footage of people stood at a premiere?” says Ms TV Throng. Exactly. Give the girl a column.

As I’ve said, Lucie’s doing a song from Camp Rock which came out last year and featured the Jonas Bros. That has instantly put me off.

20:51 This is bland. She’s going to be in the bottom two. I hope she’s not but it’s the kind of vapid soft-rock with Christian overtones.

20:53 Louis thinks Lucie will be the last girl standing. High praise.

Cheryl thought the song choice was good because it fitted her but she thinks she should loosen up. That’s fair. But then, that’s what Cheryl does, fair.

Simon says she’s “made herself relevant”.

20:55 Lucie’s started talking like Stacie. Odd. I might take back that “bottom two” statement. I’m probably wrong, I usually am.

20:56 Danyl’s reinvigorated according to Simon. He took a kicking last week, fairly. “I’ve been given a second chance by the public,” he says all dewey eyed.

“We went to the premiere…” Oh, look there was some kind of premiere this week.

20:57 “I’m sure he’ll do a big long note at the end but I’m over it…” Oh Cheryl, you’re so right.

20:58 He’s sitting in the pose that choreographers call “Intense Popstar With Piles”. Nope, he’s up and out of that the “Brooding Boy Pose #3”. I have lapsed into Raging Journo #1.

“They should have the band on stage. Having them on their own is so artificial.” Ladies and gentlemen, the wisdom of Ms TV Throng once again.

20:59 It was an excellent performance, it’s just…I don’t know…I just hate his face.

21:00 Louis loves him. “If we’re judging on vocal ability, you’ve got it all.” Dannii likes his new Justin Timberlake style haircut. She’s also talking technical again. Listen to her singles and see if she took her own advice. Cheryl likes that he’s lost his cockiness but isn’t a broken man anymore. Simon wants to remind us that Danyl is “outstanding”. Oh, here comes his “this is a singing competition” riff. Twice a week, every week.

21:07 News from the X-Factor audience: Jedward have a ghostmobile.

21:10 Louis: “John and Edward put the fun factor into X-factor”. John and Edward put the excruciating into X-Factor.

“We went to a movie premiere…” Seriously, stop now.

“People call us Jedward, it’s like Brangelina…” Oh God, are they going to start adopting African babies?

“Gordon Brown and Simon Cowell have something in common – neither of them know what the public wants.” Nice work Louis. Second career as a parliamentary sketch writer?

21:11 There’s monsters, ghosts, the entire production. Including the twins having been sat in a Ghost Mobile. It is hardly fair that Jedward get such a lavish amount of budget. There’s even a Staypuff Marshmallow Man. Lots of booing from the crowd but they will stay. People find them entertaining and Cowell knows his feud with them must continue. I think he will make them into star with Louis.

Dannii: “It’s a singing compeition – you either talk or rap.” She’s just dejected, having to talk to them.

Cheryl admits that it’s fun to watch. From 3 to 10, kids adore them, she says. Classic damned with faint praise.

21:13 Hang on, Simon’s sort of positive. “This was a good song for you. This was…sort of…good.” This is the bit where we get a story about Simon changing his mind. He even tells them “well done”. Hilarious…

21:14 Louis’s doing his bizarrely literal comments: “You’re brothers, you’re two guys…” and apparently he seems to believe they’ll solve the economic problems.

Dermot wants to know how they feel. “You just go for it,” says one or other of them.

Will they get to the final? “We still need your support,” they say electioneering for it.

21:16 The press was saying that Jedward would get the closing slot tonight but they haven’t, it’s “Geordie Joe”, aka Cheryl’s weird little stepchild.

21:21 Joe took a bit of a kicking last week but his Journey cover wasn’t that bad. His eyes are scary though. Oh and guess what? He went to a film premiere this week.

“It was like being an A-List celebrity…” Except without the money, the good looks or the talent.

21:23 Joe wants to be a popstar. I think he’ll be third understudy in a Mamma Mia regional touring production by next summer.

21:24 It’s the Circle OF Life and Joe has some kind of unnecessary cane with him. The stage show is the full bifta – enough dry ice to choke an elephant and lots of African drumming and dancers. It is musical theatre. The nans will love it.

21:26 Louis just doesn’t think Joe is a popstar or can be one. Dannii says that rich given John and Edward but they are pop. Dannii thinks he’s the strongest male vocalist in the show. Now that’s just not true. Simon didn’t like Joe’s “stage show swaying” and he obviously doesn’t think he’s the best male singer in the competition. Cheryl: “You’re starting to seem like a little brother to me.” She will be gutted when he goes.

Now Louis and Dermot are arguing: “I’m a judge! I’m a judge! You’re just a presenter.”

Simon wants to know why Louis has insulted the PM and the public. “Apologise!” Oh there’s another story for tomorrow. Gordon Brown will get asked what he thought of being insulted by Louis Walsh. Still, I’m sure he’d prefer that to why he buggered up the economy.

21:31 Who will stay? Who will go? You decide. But hey, I’m not voting. I’m in mourning for Rachel.


19:57 There’s just an ad break between us and the ROCK WEEK (which because it is going to be just so damn loud must be rendered in capital letters). Only Lloyd is wilfully ignoring the theme with a rendition of Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl. Let’s hope Danni resists making some bizarre comment about gender-bending this time. If you missed last week you can see the results here and find out why I have a death threat pending from the Michael Buble Appreciation Society.

20:03 Tonight’s celebrity mentor is Bon Jovi which means the energy requirements of the studio will have gone through the roof just to power his hairdryer. Louis’ talking up the twins to win the show but to be fair it’s his only remaining act. The producers and Simon will do whatever they can to make sure the Twins get the boot before it gets really serious – what little credibility the show has rests on it.

20:04 ROCK! will only be represented in its loosest most diluted form tonight. Don’t expect any Led Zeppelin or Clash covers. The Darkness introducing Dermot’s walk down shows the direction it’s going in. Apparently, the song choice doesn’t matter as long as its rendered in a rock style. I want to see someone nearly choking on their own vomit or throwing a TV at Louis Walsh or I will not be pleased.

20:06 Cheryl’s wearing a dress that looks like it’s designed to allow her breasts to broadcast satellite messages to space. It’s insane.

20:07 First up is Joe. He’s a blackhole of tedium. He sucks the joy out of my life with his cheeky chappy routine. Cheryl loves him but it’s because he’s a home town boy. Her judgement really is off with him. You forget him within about two seconds of him leaving the stage. “Joe and ROCK is like mouse and tiger,” says Simon. Spot on.

20:08 Oh he’s singing Journey. That’s as soft as rock gets. It’s so soft you could pipe it into ice cream cones. It’s not the worst fit for his voice but he’s about dynamic as lead piping. He’s doing the old trick of going into the crowd. Yawn.

20:11 That was a passable effort and will be enough to keep him in the show but he’s no Rachel (oh Rachel, when will the world realise your genius). Danni loves his voice and says he’s “a star”. She’s easily won the battle of the dresses this week with a nice little off-the-shoulder number. “The little boy has become a man,” says Louis with a twinkle in his eye. Simon praises his consistency but goes on to call it “stage schooly” and attacks the terrible dancers.

20:12 Cheryl says the weird dancers were “contemporary dance”. Simon helps Cheryl avoid a wardrobe malfunction, the satellite boobs were in motion. Expect that to be the tabloid story tomorrow along with some more bullying/relationship tittle tattle.

20:14 Lucie Jones is next up. She’s my second favourite (and yes her looks are a factor. How shallow am I? Very). Her performance last week was great, regardless of what Simon thought. I think she could pull off rock chick but Guns’n’Roses could be a tricky sell.

20:16 Lucie’s making the mistake with Sweet Child O’Mine of singing it without really paying any attention to the lyrics. It’s just words to belt out. Quite like her posh girl goes grunge outfit though – plaid is back folks [says the man sat wearing a red plaid shirt]. The point of the original was the slightly bratty quality of Axl Rose’s vocals. I like Lucie but she can’t do danger.

20:19 Cheryl loves it, Danni loves it, Louis loves it, Simon loves it. I’m clearly in the wrong aren’t I?

20:26 “I’m happy to introduce the first of my three contestants…” says Simon pointedly kicking the words in Louis’s direction. It’s Danyl. Now we’ve got a nice little dramatic segment about Daniel’s battle with the press. Headlines flash up: The Most Hated X-Factor Contestant Ever. “Someone posted on Twitter that I’m more hated than Hitler.” Oh, if Danyl had a Twitter account we’d have another Fry-style controversy on our hands.

20:29 Danyl’s knocked confidence is obvious. He’s messed up some of the lyrics and started quite shakily. He’s come back a bit near the end of the song but it’s still just not that likeable. I understand why the public hasn’t connected with him – he’s like a mannequin that Simon Cowell knocked up in the pop warehouse where he keeps Robson and Jerome in cold storage.

20:31 Danni was disappointed with it. Louis wants the public to give him a second chance. Cheryl thinks Danyl has let his head drop: “You just don’t do it for me”. That’s the phrase no man wants to hear from Cheryl Cole.

Simon thinks people are being unfair to him and that its the tabloids that are effecting him. “You are still, undoubtedly the best singer in the competition,” he tells Danyl. His whole speech is for the public – vote, vote, vote is the message. I do feel sorry for Danyl because he’s being villified, almost as much as the twins. He needs a break.

20:39 Lloyd Daniels seems like a nice boy but Louis is right, he should be a boy band. He really doesn’t have the presence as a solo artist. “Louis would put anyone in a boy band given a chance!” says Cheryl. Louis does a lot of things with boys when he can get the chance. [STOP RIGHT THERE says the legal ed).

20:40 Oh and Lloyd’s doing Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl. That’s just mental. M…e…n…t…a…l. And he sounds like someone is vigorously tugging on his scrotum. Honestly painful.

20:43 Lloyd really belongs as the pretty but stupid one in a boyband with emo band pretensions BUT given his Facebook army, he’ll be safe again.

20:43 Danni felt Lloyd was drowned out. Louis is on his cheating thing again – “oh boo hoo hoo that was a pop song” [that’s not a direct quote]. Simon attacks Louis for banging on about the rules again: “Here are my silly little rules….” Simon attacked Lloyd’s vocals at the start but compliments his song choice and performance. Louis is attacking Simon for creating Robson And Jerome. One word Louis…Westlife! Even Dermot is telling Louis to shut up.

20:46 Stacey Solomon, voice of an angel, demeanor of a  loveable fish wife. “I really don’t know what I’m doing at the moment.” Oh Stace, bit late for that isn’t it?

20:48 Keane? Oh dear. Really? Keane. Oh. I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got. Keane just make me tired and sad with life. Appart from their last album which was camper than Freddie Mercury in arseless chaps.

20:51 Cheryl liked it – more personality next time. Simon: “You walked. I was more impressed with the walking than the singing.” Saucer of milk for table tosspot. Danni loved it (hey, who’s surprised). Louis made some noises and I zoned out a bit. Stacey’s staying in partly for her incredibly loveable chat at the end of her performances.

20:58 Jamie Archer’s next. He’s basically a group isn’t he – him (the frontman) and his backup band (that chuffing big afro).

21:00 You can surround him with strippers all you like Simon, Jamie is still like a strategically shaved Care Bear. His version of Rocks sounds about as dangerous as a paper cut. This is the first performance tonight that genuinely offends me. A good song phoned in by someone who claims to be rock.

21:02 Danni suggests Jamie had planned to do a more contemporary song. Louis says that Jamie’s not a real rocker and brings up Kerrang! and NME. Cheryl is annoyed and suggests that there’s a rock week simply because Simon has a “rock artist”. Simon wants to know if Louis goes into pubs. Louis says he’s always in Dublin’s hostelries. I’ve just asked Ms TV Throng via the medium of the Internet to confirm or disprove this.

And does Louis read NME and Kerrang!? The mind boggles.

21:05 Still to come Jedward. Oh. My. Lord. Also: why have we seen nothing from Bon Jovi today? I thought he was meant to mentoring. Did he have nothing to say?

21:07 Or did he just keep telling everyone that they gave love a bad name or that they were half way there. Um…oh…forget it.

21:11 According to Ms TV Throng, Louis does go in pubs in Dublin, particularly The George (which will mean something to you if you know Dublin’s more flamboyant scenes).

21:12 Rachel’s up next. She’s cracking. Hope she stays out of the bottom two again this week.

21:13 I think she just winked at the camera but I may just have hallucinated that. I don’t really care for U2 or One as a song in particular and I can’t really tell if this is a good performance or a little bit off. Might have to wait for the judges to pass…well…judgement this time. My objectivity is clouded by my Rachel fandom. Her hair and dress look (as my more flaming gay friends might have it) FIERCE. She’s still my pick to win. It’ll be a journey!

21:15 Louis says it was “emotional and soulful”. Thumbs up from the leprechaun. Cheryl says she likes her voice best out of the girls. Louis was pro. Simon says Danni is trying to turn Rachel into her – that’s a bit Hitchcock. Simon also thinks it was “a bit caberet”. Danni just screams the word “amazing” and burbles.

21:18 Here come John and Edward, those terrible little tits. Simon is petrified they’ll win. I think the British public could do that as a joke. Jedward are doing “the ultimate rock move”. Dying at 27? The vomit choking thing? Shooting up on stage?

21:20 They’re doing We Will Rock You…the 5ive version. That’s like being able to put the Mona Lisa on your wall and opting for a reproduction drawn by a toddler. It’s not that bad in terms of performance because they pretty much just have to shout and the ultimate rock move? Seems to be the boys being lifted up by their dancers which is…OK.

21:21 There’s pyro onstage. How come James Hetfield had to be burnt but John and Edward have been spared? God works in irritating ways.

21:22 Pantomine boos from the crowd but you have to say they at least enjoy themselves. And really put the effort in.

21:23 Danni says it was “scary” and says they lost track of the lyrics. “Listen to the song!”

Cheryl liked the performance and the outfits. I think she just wants them for pets.

“Night of the living dead…singing Queen out of tune…probably destroying Queen’s reputation for good.” No, Simon, a little fellow called Ben Elton’s already done that.

Louis on the “they’re entertaining” argument again. Some people think bear baiting is entertaining, it’s still not right.

21:25 To close the show…Ollie. Oh well.

21:31 Oh…Ollie’s doing Come Together by The Beatles. These reality shows should be banned from doing Beatles songs. Those tinny backing tracks are rancid.

And Ollie is just stumbling around the rough outline of the melody. I honestly need this to stop. I think I might be developing some kind of brain disorder simply from having to listen to Ollie trip through this.

21:33 “He’s got oooh-noo sideboard…” It’s “Ono sideboard” you cretin! As in Yoko Ono. Someone should have at least played him the original before he tripped all over a classic.

21:34 And the open shirt thing he just did (bursting it open), made me nearly lose my dinner.

Cheryl liked it. Louis liked it. I’m confused by Ollie’s Hitler hairdo. Danni like it. And Simon was all over it with praise.

21:37 It’s recap time and we’ll (hopefully) be back tomorrow for the results and live performances from Bon Jovi and JLS. Oh joy.

19:30 Why hello there X-factorinos, it’s the second day of our trial by Big Band and tonight we’ll find out just who’s up for the high jump, just what the point of Michael Buble actually is and whether Westlife still do that synchronised standing up off of stools thing they used to love. Predictions for tonight: a Stephen Gately tribute from the Westlife boys, Ollie and Lloyd in the bottom two, more criticism of Simon’s song choices from Louis. See you in thirty minutes.

19:59 Dannii’s angry with Simon and Louis and Cheryl are having one of their faux sparring sessions – well, hey, the tabloids need something to write about.

20:01 “Westlife: the biggest selling band of the decade.” That doesn’t say much for the British record buying public does it?

20:04 The group singing bit is always a bit Butlins isn’t it? Fascination? Abomination more like.

20:06 Here’s the behind-the-scenes bit aka the fictional friction between the judges.

20:08 Seeing the recaps, I stand by last night’s conclusions – Rachel and Miss Frank were the class acts. “She’s back! She’s back!” Dannii is speaking the truth. Though Ms TV Throng and Ms TV Throng’s friend are fed up with her saying that every week.

20:11 Joe has a bit of the Ray thing about him – like a creepy mannequin made to dance and sing. Looks like Lucie was really upset by Simon’s comments. She needn’t worry. She’s not going anywhere.

20:12 Here come Westlife with “What About Now”. It’s five minutes of free advertising on primetime TV. We’re getting a rundown of their hits. It’s like being brutalised by blandness.

20:15 No stools but there are static mic stands, which is close enough. The Westlife droids are all in black and are going for their “sincere hurt” mode. This is as close as Westlife get to rocking.

20:25 Cheryl’s got the fastest selling single of the year. Gotta love her.

20:26 Dermot wants to know why there wasn’t retro music last night. John and Edward did Ricky Martin. How does that fit in?

20:28 Michael Buble. “Everybody wants him but we have him,” says Dermot. Everybody? Who are these mad people? Ms TV Throng’s friend says: “What annoys me so much is that he ruins songs.” What annoys me so much is his face. His stupid smug face.

20:29 Buble’s intro music was more suited to a Bond villain. He’s butchering the song like it’s a pile of offal for sausages.

20:30 Who impressed you most Buble? “Rachel blew me away.” Oh at least he’s picked the right one. Dermot is sucking up to Buble so much he might as well be sponsored by Dyson.

20:31 After the break, the votes are in. 8 acts will return to sing again. 2 will battle it out. 1 will be ritually stoned to death…no sorry…will be voted off.

20:37 It’s time for the result. Here come the verdict!

20:38 Stacey’s staying. Ollie‘s staying – oh ffs. He’s dreadful. Rachel‘s staying – at last the public has wised up. Love her.

20:39 The tension is almost too much for me. I’m breaking out the emergency gin. Joe‘s staying – I don’t get what people see in him. Lucie‘s staying.

20:40 John and Edward are staying. Boos from the audience. It’s all getting a bit cruel towards them. Let’s remember they are just 17.

20:41 Jamie’s staying. “That suprised you didn’t it?” whispers Simon. The final act staying is…Lloyd. Wow. Danyl and Miss Frank are in the bottom two. I want Danyl to go but to be fair neither deserve to be in the final two. It’s not a singing contest as far as the public is concerned. Lloyd and John And Edward are still in there because tweens think they’re cute. They’d probably vote for a Bratz doll.

20:47 Love Don’t Live Here Anymore – Miss Frank singing to stay in the competition. Great rap again. I just like that they do something different.

20:49 Danyl’s on now. Still with the undone bowtie. Good song choice – A Little Help From My Friends. “He deserves to be in this more than that little blond fuck.” – Ms TV Throng’s Friend in forthright mood.

20:50 My heart says Miss Frank but my head says this performance from Danyl is really great. I think the judge’s will save him. It’s a shame they had to choose between two of the best. The public’s voting decisions can be truly baffling. God help us at the general election. Ken Barlow for PM?

20:52 Louis can’t believe either act is in the bottom two. He votes for Danyl.
Simon: “I have never ever been so suprised in my life. If this is your last performance Danyl, I’ve never seen someone go out on such a high. This is a joke.” He votes for Danyl.
Dannii – she’s milking it a bit. “Based on the final performance…I’m sending home Miss Frank.”
Cheryl: “I’m really confused by the public’s decision.” She’s gone with Danyl. And it’s a dead lock. Cowardly!
The act that received the fewest votes is…

Miss Frank. They’re out of the show. Ridiculous.

Here’s their highlights reel.

20:55 What a good journey from them though and in reality TV the journey is king. Expect to see them with a deal and a single imminently.

20:56 “Thank you for the lifeline.” The last word from Miss Frank. Louis says he hopes they stay together as a group. They say they will. Louis must realise he’s in a terrible situation left with John And Edward. He’s not winning the series.

20:57 Next week: JLS and Bon Jovi. They give love a badname.

Thanks for reading folks. Keep it Throng for all your X-Factor news.


  • BBC One
  • BBC Two
  • BBC Three
  • ITV1
  • ITV2
  • 4
  • E4
  • Film4
  • More4
  • Five
  • Fiver
  • Sky1