Lola Darling's blog

I watch the box.

Hey Talent fans, we’re back again for another night of auditions. Let’s hope there are some corkers. I think we’ll see a dog tonight.

I’m armed with pizza and a strawberry Yazoo, the supper of kings.

First up are a masked variety group, the Chippendoubles. They’re dressed in black cloaks with creepy white masks. They’re walking on to odd chanting music, like monks.

Okay, I’ve not been able to type through keeping my eyes on the act, it was genius. One by one, they de-robed and they were each a different look-a-like with their own little routine for their character – a dancing David Brent, a David Beckham, a Mr T, among others, and at the end, a Simon Cowell, which went down well with everyone. They went down brilliantly; it was well rehearsed and very different. They got yes to go through to the next round, and they promise more surprises. A fab start to the show.

Next up, a whole load of crap celebrity impersonators. They didn’t get through. One woman just mimed Meatloaf. NO.

Adverts, go make tea!

Now we have a samurai sword act, Hayashi. He says it is the most dangerous act they’ll see.

This guy is being blindfolded, and I think he is going

to wield a sword around this guy who is holding cucumbers. Yikes.

Half the people in the audience have their hands over their eyes, as has Amanda. The judges seem to like it, and they find it very compelling. They all said yes, the sword wielding nutter is through. He’ll injure someone if they are not careful…

Next up, Mystical, a dance group from London. They think they are different and they have some surprises for us in their routine. Mystical’s surprise is that they also sing bits of songs. Was interesting, and kind of good, but then they started doing Wonderwall and it went a bit…naff. Unfortunately the girl who sang that bit wasn’t that good…

Piers has said no because it was ruined when Wonderwall got going – he got booed, did Piers.

Amanda is giving them a second chance, much to the delight of the audience who loved them.

Whatcha gonna do, Simon? Simon is keeping them in. He wants to give them a chance to improve. They had something good, it just went a bit off. They’re through.

Adverts time again – go wee!

Back again. We are in Glasgow, and first up are husband and wife duo, Othelio. They think they have what it takes to make it. They are singing their own material, a song called Lift Me. It’s more like Drag Me Down. It’s beyond awful and unbelievable that they think they are actually good. Some people need a good look at themselves.

Piers has said yes. The stupid idiot. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Simon has given them a categorical no. It’s all up to Amanda.

Stupid cow has let them through. Jesus. At least they won’t win.

Next up is James Boyd. He was on the show last year for eating as many Ferrero Rocher in a minute as he could. Yes. He’s ditched the Ferrero Rocher. Now he has…AFTER EIGHT MINTS.

Simon said last year that the act was not suitable for the Queen – James thinks otherwise. Does he know if the Queen prefers After Eights? Ant is doing the same backstage.

He’s got to eat nine in a minute. Oh hang on, he isn’t using his hands. OH THAT MAKES IT MORE ENTERTAINING. He’s got three buzzes. He only managed five. I think maybe James got a load of After Eight boxes at Christmas and didn’t know what the fuck to do with them.

Final act tonight is 80-year-old Janey Cutler. Ant or Dec showed her the way on stage, bless her. She is singing the Edith Piaf classic, No Regrets. She isn’t the best singer, but she is doing well to remember the words and belt it out. The audience are on their feet for her, as are Piers and Amanda. I think she’ll get through, as everyone thinks she is adorable.

Yeah she’s through. Hey, if she performed at the Royal Variety Performance, it would be nice for her and the Queen to chat about old lady stuff. Well done Janey.

Right you lot, see you next week.

Hello Talent fans, we’re back again. I’ve got some eclairs for this show. Eclairs and tranquillisers. Yummy.

First up is AKA, a dance group of girls ages 10-20. They’ve been practicing every night for the auditions. They’re all rocking big gold sequins, so come on lasses. They are dancing to Tina Turner’s Rolling on the River.

Well everyone liked it but Simon couldn’t keep up with it – too many sequins.

They’ve got a yes from Piers and Amanda…and despite his reservations Simon has said yes too.

More talent from Newcastle now, and it’s a load of rubbish – the judges are annoyed at Ant and Dec for bringing them there.

Back after the ads now, and we have a magic act – normally magic acts are rubbish on BGT. They’ve never worked, and their auditions have always cocked-up. Can Clive and Claire do it?

They are husband and wife too – like Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee, but less creepy and better looking.

The act is called Flute Magic. They might want to rethink it, as while Clive does tricks – pretty awesome tricks, making doves appear and everything – Claire plays the flute, badly.

Piers has said yes, as he liked it and found it therapeutic. Simon has said no, as the flute was bad. Sucks to Simon, Amanda has said yes anyway, so they are through.

Beth and Emily Moorby are on now, briefly, and they are a great acrobatic and contortion act – they’re through!

There is a young boy group up next, Connected. They’re called that because they are like family. Their average age is 14. They seem like sweet lads, but can they sing?

Oh the girls would love these. As a 24-year-old, I couldn’t listen to them as I can’t stand the likes of Justin-bloody-Beiber. Little teenie girls would like them though.

The judges all like them, but Simon thinks their song – I Want it That Way – was too old, and they should have sung something modern. HANG ON, they have another song.

They’re singing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, and they’re even better than before. It’s gone down even better.

“A big yes” from Piers. Amanda said yes too. Well, Simon? He thinks they need a little bit of help – so he says YES.

Okay folks, go wee and make tea, it’s the adverts.

Back after the ads, we have forklift truck driver, Jeff. He is going to sing. He has taken his clothes off, and he has an elephant covering his bits and singing Nelly the Elephant while skipping. If he was doing this in front of kids, it’d be even wronger. He’s off the stage. Sigh.

Here now is 14-year-old Olivia. She dreams of being a singer and wants to be a star one day. She is singing In The Arms of an Angel. Yeah she’ll go through, she’s good. She seems a likeable girl too. BGT love a nice girl with a dream story…

She is through. Well done Olivia.

Hello! Did you enjoy that ad break? the Vodafone advert made me cry.

First up, a duet called Different Dreams; two girls who met at a bus stop who are now best friends.

Is this going to be another Susan Boyle moment? We judge on how they appear but they’ll dazzle us?

They are singing I Know Him So Well…

Well one was good, but the other wasn’t. They’ve been given the ultimatum that they must split. Friend One (I’m sorry I missed her name – maybe Michelle? sigh) has gone ahead to sing alone. Her friend is in tears.

Singing alone she ain’t that good anyway. No. Sorry, but no. Simon agrees with me.

Piers says yes, not just for her but for her friend too. Amanda says no too.

Well this is a huge fucking downer.

Simon says friendship is more important; right after splitting them.

That’s that. I’m going to take some anti-depressants and whiskey. See ya next week.

Hey Talent fans. Here we are again. I’ve got a chocolate bar ripped open, let’s go.

The auditions are in Manchester first of all. Look, they have a Selfridges and everything.

First up, Christine from Leeds. She’s wearing a load of sequins. I like her already. She is dancing to Michael Jackson  and playing the castanets. She’s singing. Yelling. It’s not great. “I haven’t seen moonwalking that slow since Neil Armstrong.” says Piers. She’s been buzzed x 3. No, sorry Christine, back to West Yorkshire.

Next is Sinead who plays electric guitar while jumping up and down on a pogo stick. I say playing guitar, she was kind of torturing it. Another one off.

There’s Tia Brown now. She rubbing fire all over herself while wearing just underpants. The pants have tassles on. What would you call her? A professional self harmer? She’s through as Piers and Simon were fond of her for some reason…

Stevie up now. “I am known as a regurgitator.” Oh God. Ant is recomending we don’t do this at home as it will make us ill or DIE.

He’s swallowing coins. EURGHHHH. *looks away*

The coins have numbers on them, 1-5. He can regurgitate the coins by NUMBER.

Oh God, he’s going to swallow a billiard ball. *vomits*


It’s horrid. Nooo, don’t let him through, the Queen will gip.

He got through. Eurgh, I’ll need a bucket for his next round performance.

We’re back from the break.

Look what we have, a dog that plays guitar. Melissa is the lady who looks after Laika. Melissa is strumming a little and singing Let It Be. Laika has sat down nearby. Melissa is trying to get him to play but Laika isn’t up for it. I don’t know who I feel sorry for most, Melissa or Laika. The poor dog, the pressure got to him. Bye Laika, run for the hills.

Next up, some giant pig that ran off and nutted Ant in his, er, nuts. Good pig.

A musical group now, called The Arrangement. They’re classical musicians. They are a group of 6th form students. The guy doing vocals is singing modern pop stuff to a classical accompaniment. I wanted to hear them do ‘Pokerface’ fully. Simon buzzed them immediately.

Amanda and Piers and the audience liked them a lot. The male vocal guy reminds me of a young Boris Johnson. Will they go through? Simon can see the audience like them – YES X3. Well done to The Arrangement. Amanda just said he was like a young Boris Johnson.

Another ad break gone.

We have a lad up who has transformed himself into Maxine, a Lady GaGa-a-like. Shame he can’t sing like her. Simon looks like he has given up on life. The audience like him, but I guess he is showing that he is game. Amanda and Piers thought he was entertaining. Lord, is he going to get through? Yes. The Queen might have liked GaGa at the last Royal Variety Performance, so maybe she would like to see it again? A cheaper version.

Next uo is dance group, Spellbound. They are a gymnastic group, aged 12-24. Whoa, there’s a whole lot of topless men going on. I mean, er, good luck everyone.

THIS is the kind of thing they should have on the Royal Variety Show. They’re excellent at balancing on each other, I’m almost too nervous in case someone falls. It’s very impressive, and a lot of work has gone into it. Bloody hell, they’re throwing each other all over the frigging place. THEY ARE WELL THROUGH.

Up now, our final act of the night, Christopher Stone. He is a 28-year-old accountant.

He is a singer.

Oh. This’ll be an Amanda-open-gob moment…

He is singing Maria. Oh wow. The audience are cheering. This needs to be appreciated on YouTube, he is amazing. The Queen would LOVE HIM. Girls will cry. Oh he is a sweet looking guy too. I like his jumper. Simon has stopped him — he thinks he has a lack of conviction. Simon thinks he needs more swagger. Please let him be through. Yes from Amanda and Piers. Come on Simon. “Do we have a star?” Simon asks. YES HE IS THROUGH!

Wowsers. Nice way to end the show.


Hello again Talent fans, here we are again. Have you got the valium ready? It’s the auditions of Britain’s Got Talent!

First up, we have Double Take – a tambourine act. Except they are not tambourines, they’re something similar that I have never heard of. Tamb–something. Google it if you like, but I don’t think it is worth it. OKAY FINE, TIMBRAL. There, I Googled it and wasted five seconds of my life. That better be an asnwer in a pub quiz, because knowin that is sod all use to me.

Okay anyway back to the er, act, and they tapped their tambourines/timbrals/who-the-hell-cares around and that was it. They were triple-buzzed pretty quickly. They’re off after arguing with Simon about tambourine-timbral differences. The words have lost all meaning.

Now, four middle aged blokes who have stripped and covered their modesties with balloons. They were buzzed off. They’re probably available for hen nights.

Now Irene and her parrot. His talent is eating mashed potato from a fork. I CAN DO THAT REAL GOOD. And I don’t crap in a cage. She’s not through, obviously.

Stephanie is up now and can “play two instruments”. She has a brass instrument and a toy penguin and a yellow rubber glove

and a teapot, and oh forget it. I’ve lost the will to live already.

After the break now, we have Kevin Cruise. He has been “entertaining” – his words, not mine – people for years on cruise ships. He is in a gold-yellow sequinned top. He has made an effort with appearances anyway. And he has a ship captain’s hat. He likes his fake tan. I believe that shade is ‘mocha’. His hair is a bit Boris Johnson blond.

Simon doesn’t like his camp Y.M.C.A act. He is now doing some kind of freestyling/rapping/whatever. And also, breakdancing. And irish dancing. He is shit, but his effort makes him oddly endearing.  Haha, he has ripped open his shirt to reveal a Jane MacDonald t-shirt. That’s kinda funny. Kevin, I like ya, you’re game for a laugh. I hope you’re on the cruise I’ll be on soon. We can chat about sequins.

Simon still doesn’t like him. Piers and Amanda loved him, as did the audience.




Now look out for the We Love Kevin Cruise groups on Facebook.

Aw now who else is through…some sweet-faced kid who dances wicked. I can’t pull off yoof street-talk. They’ve also let in a girl dance group who de-clolthed. Piers liked them a lot.

Next up is Tobias Mead, who is 22. His dream is to put “smiles on people’s faces”. Awwblesshim! He has a breakdancing act. He’s good, he’s fly. (Sorry.) Nice to see a lone bloke doing this rather than a little kiddo. Now his back is to the audience and he had a face on the back of his head, yet he is dancing like he is facing forward. It’s clever.

Piers said he needs to “move around a bit more”. Amanda thinks he is one of the best acts they’ve had on it. Simon thinks he is “brilliant” and “super talented”.

He’s totally through.

It’s the adverts! Go for a quick wee and make a cuppa!


Apparently, Simon was struck down with the flu, so Louis Walsh took his place for some of the auditions.

Now, 71-year-old Michael is doing animal impressions. Amanda looks horrified. He got triple buzzed pretty quickly. Back to the home, Michael.

What are you Talent watchers eating tonight? I have prawn crackers. Do share your supper/snacks.

They are buzzing a load of people off at the mo’. Basically, it’s a whole load of crap.

Such as this bloke reading something from a book. A poem. Sigh.

I wonder if anyone good will come along?

Oh look, here is 10-year-old Chloe Higgingbottom. If she won the BGT money, she would spend it on “tutus, leggings and jeggings”. New Look do all them fairly cheaply, y’know.

She is singing a Vera Lynne song, White Cliffs of Dover. COME ON CHLOE. Aw bless her, she’s lovely. She’s got quite a deep voice. Reminds me of a young Judy Garland. Will this be the next YouTube hit? An old woman in the audience is teary. She probably remember this song the first time around during the war.

Louis said she was the best they had seen that day. They all gave her YES. She is through.

Back after more adverts, here are Tina and Chandi. Tina is a music teacher. Chandi is a dog. Awwlookatthecutedoggie!

the ballet music has started, and Chandi is moving to it, in doggie ballet moves. OH MY GOD, SHE WALKS BACKWARDS ON HER HIND LEGS.

It’s hard to describe what they are doing, but you have to see it. THIS WILL BE THE NEW YOUTUBE MUST-SEE. Chandi was doing some very clever moves. Tina and Chandi have a fab bond and understanding. Tina has taught her well. Oh God, the judges are standing up and cheering. *blub*

Louis says Chandi is the “best dog act” he has ever seen.

They’re through! Well done Tina and Chandi! wrrrrrufff!

Back after more adverts, and Simon has returned from his illness.

Up now we have Paul who is an accounts clark. He wants to perform for the Queen at the Royal Variety Performance with a burping act. “Everyone loves a burp don’t they, it’s only natural.”

These are the kinds of acts that make me feel queasy.

Yeah, he’s burped, and it’s gross, get the hell off.

Now there is a little boy, Kieran, who auditioned last year, got through, but not to the semi-finals. He played the drums. This year, he has his mum and dad performing with him – dad on guitar, mum on vocals. Not sure about what his mum is wearing. It’s a short red corset-thing with shiny knee-high red boots. She is a different kind of mother. As a group, they’re called Mixed Emotions.

Kieran was better by himself to be honest. His mother’s voice isn’t that good, his dad isn’t the best guitarist. They’ve been buzzed three times, and their performance has stopped. Mum has said she can’t hear anything.

Simon has said the act is “atrocious”. Piers says that Kieran is the talent. Can Kieran go through without ma and pa? Mum says she wants him to go all the way.

It’s tense piano music time.

Kieran will return to audition another time. See you again soon then. Yawn.

And after them adverts – did you see Liz Dawn?! – Kieran is back on the drums. He is literally drumming FOR HIS LIFE.

He’s going to freestyle. Or “make it up” as he honestly said.

I am reminded of the Cadbury Gorilla.

Yeah, he’s talented for his age, but…it’s just drumming. All that dum dum BOOF sounds the same after a while and it’s just noise. He is good though. He’ll get through. They’re playing inspirational and upbeat backing music. Yeah he’s through, well done.

Well, that is it until next week. We will be covering more BGT during the week, so keep your eyes on TV Throng. You can also follow us on Twitter. Amazing.

Goodnight all, see you round.

Vanessa White is the latest singer to be voted off Popstar to Operastar on ITV1. The singer from The Saturdays was in the bottom two with Jimmy Osmond, but he survived to sing again next week.

The four judges, all opera singers or experts, chose which star to keep in the competition. Meat Loaf and Katherine Jenkins chose to save Osmond, while Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and Rolando Villazon decided to save White, meaning that there was a tie. The result was decided from the public vote scores, and had least, so was out the show.

Last week, Blur member Alex James was the first to be voted off the show. He was in the bottom two with Vanessa.

Here are the live results of winners of the NTAs as they happen.

Entertainment Show

Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway – WINNER!
The Paul O’ Grady Show
Big Brother
I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!

Comedy Programme

Harry Hill’s TV Burp
The Inbetweeners
Gavin and Stacey – WINNER!

Serial Drama Performance

Gray o’ Brien (Coronation Street)
Simon Gregson (Coronation Street)
Lacey Turner (Eastenders) – WINNER!
Katherine Kelly (Coronation Street)

Star Travel Documentary

Stephen Fry (Stephen Fry in America) – WINNER!
Billy Connolly (Journey to the Edge of the World)
Piers Morgan (Piers Morgan on Dubai)
Joanna Lumley (Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights)


Bronagh Waugh (Hollyoaks)
James Sutton (Emmerdale)
Neil McDermott (Eastenders)
Craig Gazey (Coronat

ion Street) – WINNER!

Entertainment Presenter

Ant and Dec – WINNER!

Paul O’ Grady
Holly Willoughby
Michael McIntyre


Doctor Who – WINNER!

The Bill

Factual Programme

Loose Women WINNER!
The Apprentice
Come Dine With Me
Top Gear

Special Recognition Award

Stephen Fry WINNER!

Talent Show

Strictly Come Dancing
X Factor –
Britain’s Got Talent 
Dancing on Ice

Drama Performance


Philip Glenister (Ashes to Ashes)

David Jason (A Touch of Frost)
David Threlfall (Shameless)
David Tennant (Doctor Who

Serial Drama

Coronation Street – WINNER!

Actress and singer Brittany Murphy has died, aged 32. Her death was confirmed today by Los Angeles county coroner’s office, after she was rushed to Cedars Sinai medical centre following a cardiac arrest.

The actress was widely known as the voice of Luanne Platter in King of the Hill, and as a movie actress in Clueless, and 8 Mile and Sin City.

The Los Angeles fire department responded to an emergency call at 8am from Murphy’s husband, British screenwriter Simon Monjack from his home.


It was reported on TMZ that Murphy went into cardiac arrest and could not be revived. S

he was said to have been pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.


Coronation Street star Maggie Jones has died aged 75. The actress who played Blanche in the soap mary different times throughout the span of the show, died in hospital after a long illness.

Jones first played Deirdre’s mother in 1974 and stayed in the role for two years. Jones appeared again in 1977 when Blanche’s grandchild Tracy was born, and the following year when Deirdre split from husband Ray Langton.

Jones appeared in many shows for the next twenty years, including The Barchester Chronicles, Goodnight Sweetheart, and Heartbeat.

Jones returned to Coronation Street in 1999 as a full-time cast member, and continued with the role of Blanche, which won her a British Soap Award for Best Comedy Performance.

Katie Price, aka Jordan is to return to the jungle in the new series of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, which started on ITV1 tonight.

A different girl to how she was the first time she entered, everyone was curious about her and what the girl behind the false knockers was like. A love story unfolded with Peter Andre, and although neither couple won, they got the next best prize of the Heat-magazine-reader interest. This resulted in magazine deals and exclusive interviews and coverage of their weddings and childrens’ photos and she cashed-in. They were out of the jungle, but ITV followed them with various fly-on-the-wall shows on ITV2. Kerching.

This year, Peter filed for divorce, and they are no more. In the Katie VS Peter war, Peter has certainly come out best. He’s seemed much more likeable on interviews, and less exploiting of the situation. He has had an album and single do surprisingly well too, whereas Katie is going out with a new man who she has shown off at every opportunity, and she’s come across as a bit of a bitch who is hard to live with.

During the end of the episode of IACGMOOH tonight, Katie explained about why she was going in. “Closure.” She is going in on the pretence of ending it where it all started. However, it seems unlikely she will make a good impression in the jungle. Just her going back in makes her look desperate. Also, in the footage of her in the hotel, she was showing herself in the Jordan version of Lara Croft’s outfit. Tight vest and little gold pants. It says it all. She is false through and through, and in the environment of the jungle, interrupting the calm and happy camp – who are getting on great so far – her re-entry can only mean disaster.

Two top live blogs tonight:





  • BBC One
  • BBC Two
  • BBC Three
  • ITV1
  • ITV2
  • 4
  • E4
  • Film4
  • More4
  • Five
  • Fiver
  • Sky1