Throng

Jason Manford has promised that his new show Comedy Rocks will feature old fashioned variety. Yeah, I wasn't missing it either.

The stand-up comic's new series, which starts on Friday, March 25, will include a "mix of music and comedy".

"The music will all be live, none of this miming palaver!" he told ITV. "And the comedy will be varied.

"Paul Zerdin, the best ventriloquist in the world - says me and my Mum - new star and good mate of mine John Bishop, who's set to have an amazing 2010, very funny. Lovely but naughty Jo Brand and to mix it up a bit, Joe Pasquale.

"I'll be having a chat with the audience and finding out how their week has been but only to find funny stories, the stuff you just can't make up. But I won't be picking on anyone who doesn't fancy a chat!"

Hey everyone! This is seriously great news!

Harry Hill has signed (a multi-million pound two-year) deal with ITV to make more series of TV Burp and You've Been Framed.

This new agreement will see TV Burp on our screens until 2012.

There's been a lot (beyond the usual murmurs... it was more like a loud shouting fest) that Hill was going to jump ship to Sky and thereby, deny all us cheapskates who don't have a Sky subscription our Burp fix.

As well as keeping TV Burp on our screens, ITV also has an option to extend the deal and order two more series as well as keeping Hill doing his withering voiceovers on You've Been Framed.

More crucially (in terms of the deal), ITV have agreed to develop new programme formats for Hill.

He has already won several Bafta awards for the long-running ITV1 show TV Burp and won big audiences.

Land Girls, BBC One Daytime's highly popular and award-winning drama, is to return for a second series. Liam Keelan, Controller of BBC Daytime, has commissioned five new episodes of the original drama created by Roland Moore.

The second series of Land Girls returns to the rural Forties, and continues to examine how a whole generation of women helped the war effort, and adapted to their new lives working as part of the Women's Land Army.

Speaking about the new series, Liam Keelan says: "The first series of Land Girls was something completely new for BBC One Daytime, as it was the first time a period drama had been commissioned and made for the daytime audience. It proved to be such a success with our viewers that I'm delighted to be able to announce the commission of a second series.

Blue Peter have confirmed that the show's dog Mabel will be leaving the show after 14 years.

Producers announced today that the long-running children's programme would be parting ways with their veteran Border Collie Cross dog when she retires on March 30th.

Mabel said of the departure: "Grrrrr. ROWF! ROWF! Only kidding. I've had a splended time on the show. All that business with the naming of the cat was a bit of a ball-ache, but apart from that, I've had more fun than George Best in a naked brewery tour. However, it's time to hang up the lead... I can't be arsed with the long days to be honest with you. I just want to lick my genitals and eat pies now."

Gordon Brown. You know him don't you? Aye. Runs this plot of land we all moan on.

Well, he's a footy nut. Yep, he's a big fan of Raith Rovers, which is nice to hear. If he was a ManUrinal fan, I'd probably seethe about him (like everyone else seems to do constantly regardless of football team).

Anyway, as he's a football fan, he fancied appearing on Match of the Day 2. He probably likes the 2 Good 2 Bad bit at the end. Sadly for Gordo, the BBC has barred our prime minister from the show because it's too close to an election to be mucking about having politicians on.

If it's saved us David Cameron talking about his fave 'soccer team', or indeed, someone like Nick Clegg blankly staring into space, then it's probably a good thing.

You know Gillian McKeith don't you? Skreeching, vapid, withered old idiot-bag that ferreted around in people's faecal matter before making them cry using tactics that would make Josef Fritzl blush?

Yeah, that's her.

The woman who would shout 'YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND FAT' at people whilst pointing at coffin chaped giganto choc ices... a woman who would make widows grieve more whilst stirring giant milk cartons with cow thighs... that Gillian McKeith.

Well, she's back on our TVs. Mercifully, she won't be appearing on terrestrial channels, but rather, from 10pm Mondays on the Discovery Real Time channel.

Live television does strange things to people. If you're a presenter, it guarantees a certain urgency in your voice. While this immediacy is no doubt borne of nerves and the adreneline of live presenting, it does tend to imply a certain level of importance to what's going on.

As such, telethons and live sporting events are given gravitas... however, what happens when you're presenting something that's not especially dramatic?

I'm looking at you Lambing Live (BBC Two).

The lovely and sweet Kate Humble presents the show which is, essentially, Take Me Out - only with slightly more intelligent participants.

The BBC today announced the six acts hoping to take part in music's biggest annual extravaganza as they compete to represent the UK at the Eurovision Song Contest in Your Country Needs You! on Friday 12 March at 8.30pm on BBC One.

Performing live in the studio, the Eurovision hopefuls will be out to impress Pete Waterman – producing this year's entry with long-time collaborator Mike Stock – plus a specially-selected panel consisting of Pete, with last year's UK entrant Jade Ewen and performance-judge supremo Bruno Tonioli.

They will hear four solo singers, one all-girl trio and a five-piece group – all vying for the opportunity to sing for the UK in Oslo this May.

Question Time is, for the most part, great value for money. It gives us, The People, the chance to hoot and bray at idiot politicians much in the same way they shout at each other during Prime Minister's Question Time.

It's a lovely format and is guaranteed, week after week, to enable all of us sat at home, the chance to get furious and unload a week's worth of hate in one felled swoop.

Usually, the politicians get the brunt of it but, astonishingly, last night, they were all knocked into a cocked-hat by the idiotic, reactionary dribblings of Carol Vorderman who, if there's any justice in the world, will never work in television again after last night's meltdown.

If you didn't see it and want a quick bite-sized snippet of how bad she was, let's put it this way:

Did you see that Citroen commercial featuring John Lennon and think "What the bloody hell's going on here then? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have wanted that!"

Well, it seems that there's been a fair few of you who have been rather peeved about the whole thing, prompting Lennon's son, Sean, into defending it all.

Sean hit back at accusations that his mother Yoko Ono allowed footage of the former Beatle to be used in a car advert for filthy lucre.

Sean has now taken to his Twitter page to respond to the attacks, insisting that Ono gave the project the go-ahead purely in order to keep John "in the public consciousness".

Cricket is to return to ITV for the first time in more than 30 years after they acquired rights to this year's Indian Premier League competition.

That's exciting isn't it?

This new deal will see ITV showing 59 of 60 live matches on ITV4 (and the season starts on 12 March and runs for 45 days).

Coverage will be presented by Matt Smith (never mind, you can't have everything can you?) with Bollywood actress and presenter Mandira Bedi (who, for the record, is horribly attractive) who hosted Cricket World Cup coverage in India.

The IPL will also have a specialist section on the ITV.com website and has the right to webcast matches.

So, passing fans, what the shit is the IPL?

Larry Lamb, former villain on Eastenders and the dad from Gavin and Stacey, has been accused of making 'no effort' when he took part in new BBC show Famous, Rich and Jobless.

The forthcoming documentary challenges famous faces to deal with being out of work in a bid to raise awareness of what it is like to be unemployed in the UK.

Lamb was apparently dispatched to search for work in Hartlepool on the programme.

However, the show's presenter Emma Harrison soon spotted him strolling along the beach when he should have been job-hunting.

"[Larry] just came up with a host of excuses not to engage with what we were trying to do," Harrison commented.

"He hadn't earned a penny and he didn't even make an effort to try and find work. Trying to demonstrate to him the harsh truths of unemployment was exasperating."

Alan Carr. You know him right?

No, not the guy who wanted you to stop smoking tabs - rather, the comedian who likes to pour glasses of Taboo for unwitting guests whilst making jokes about his own teeth.

Yeah, that one.

Carr seems to polarise opinion, with some loving the old-time camp schtick, with others endlessly irritated.

Well, he's got admiring fans who may well be trying to tempt him away from Channel 4.

Apparently, ITV and Sky have outlined their interest in Carr. The Mirror says that the Chatty Man host is currently renegotiating a £2m contract with Channel 4.

"Both ITV and Sky are keen to persuade him to jump ship. But he loves doing Chatty Man and right now it looks more likely he'll stay with Channel 4 so he can continue working on the show with the same team," a source said.

You know Professor Brian Cox? He's one of the finest scientists ever to grace our screens. He's fun and stupidly interesting.

Don't agree? Well, we're all entitled to our opinions I suppose, even though a naysayer is obviously wrong.

This Sunday at 9pm, the BBC will be showing a series called Wonders of the Solar System, and it's spellbinding.

And we've got a trailer!

Over five episodes, Professor Brian Cox visits the most extreme locations on Earth to explain how the laws of physics have carved natural wonders across the solar system.

Professor Brian Cox, a particle physicist, has an impressive track record in TV. He was the science advisor for the sci-fi film Sunshine, and has been involved in the BBC Horizon series (Large Hadron Collider and the Big Bang) and the BBC Bitesize revision programmes.