Throng

Simon Cowell’s hairy grip on the Christmas number one spot may loosen this year with the news that a Facebook group with over 750,000 members is campaigning for people to boycott Joe McElderry’s X Factor single, ‘The Climb’ in favour of an anti-establishment rock classic.

"Here's the deal, folks. You do a commercial - you're off the artistic roll call, forever." Bill Hicks.

There are many things in life that can emasculate a man. Shower-time at the gym can be one of them. Being called a prick by a group of twelve year olds on a date outside Pizza Express and trying to pretend that you hadn’t heard them, another. Failing to sexually satisfy your wife or girlfriend repeatedly, over and over again, until years of her dismissive sighs and mocking laughter render you almost impotent, that doesn’t help. Read more

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Immanuel Kant: Plaugarising Jimmy White since 1749

If you missed it over the weekend, here you are, pet...

It was nice to see a heavyweight boxer bully a young woman for her apparent inability to cook. Yeah, you tell her Joe! If the souffle Sabrina cooks for camp doesn't rise properly, you should knock her out!

Of course it's not really nice to see that kind of behaviour. I was employing the lazy comedic tool of sarcasm, just as do when I say that I got a massive pan-handle on seeing The Sun's photo of a topless Kim at the weekend. The most unnecessary shot since a Brazilian with a rucksack last ran to catch a tube.*

Ant & Dec In 'Pull Back & Reveal' Joke Technique Shocker...

Joe Bugner carried on his one man education of the camp last night, detailing some more potentially hazardous organisms and where they can turn up on or in a human being. According to Kim, he was 'putting the willies up people'. Also going up people (well, their vaginas) are ticks, apparently. Is he making this stuff up? Who cares? Let's be honest, it's just funny to hear words like 'vagina' on telly, isn't? Tee hee hee!

This is the 'news':

Strictly's Camilla Ballons in Weight – Loses Hair

Katie Pulls in 267% of Public Vote in Live Trial

Ghost of Rod Hull on Standby for Jungle Entry

Have some headlines. Go on. Nah, take them, I don’t want ‘em:

Ant & Dec's 'Dec & Ant' experiment ends in tragedy

Coming at you like a thousand cockroaches pumped directly into your face through a Perspex tube, here are your headlines:

‘Jordan-sized jungle hole filled by Jordan’

These are the headlines:

'Jordan-shaped hole confuses junglemates'
'Cleaner harasses chamois leather in caravan'
'Fire wood poses as 'Strictly...' dancer - fools ITV producers'

'IAC...GMOOH!' has begun! And wow, what a start!

We kick off in spectacular style with ten minutes of people awkwardly introducing themselves on a boat. The best intro being from Stuart Manning who used to be in Hollyoaks. Ages ago. “I'm Stuart Manning. I used to be in Hollyoaks. Ages ago...”. We're then treated to a further ten minutes of people doing nothing in a helicopter. Yeah! Whoa!

If you only watch one rubbish-celebrities-in-beige-hats-based reality TV show set in the Australian jungle over the next two weeks, make sure it’s I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! on ITV. And if you only read one witheringly acerbic, overly critical blog about it, make sure it’s this one… You know, or another one. Jungle Fever’s not going to tell you what to do. It’s not your Mother.