Throng

Gino D'Acampo won I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! After weeks of living like a stray dog (crapping in hedges, eating off the floor and humping inanimate objects), I bet he was looking forward to leaving the jungle - especially as a winner.

However, there was a fly in his soup and it wasn't doing backstroke.

This particular fly (and laboured analogy) was a rat and Gino and pal Stuart 'Him From Hollyoaks' Manning decided (allegedly) that they'd kill it, skin it and eat it. Now, they've got a day in court for dessert.

I asked if reality TV was rigged (here), thanks to some folks moaning about Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor.

Now, we've got the same question for I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

You see, Joe Bugner seems to think so... with his weird ape-paw head.  He's suggested that the reality show is fixed by producers.

The former boxer told The Sun that ITV rigged his exit to allow Stuart Manning (Russ from Hollyoaks) and Sabrina Washington (Her from that pop band) to continue their playground flirting.

>

Immanuel Kant: Plaugarising Jimmy White since 1749

Now that Katie Price has left I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!, there's room for a couple more tits.

Well, in news that TV has finally started to eat itself, it appears that the boobs in question could be The Mighty Jedward from The X Factor.

According to The Sun, the Irish teenagers have been given a deadline of 5.30pm today to accept a £50,000 offer to fly out to the jungle and get hit with a barrage of witchetty grubs and face living with Joe Bugner, who looks like a man carved out of old corned beef.

Naturally, bosses at ITV are keen to keep momentum on the fervour surrounding the Grimes brothers and have reportedly approached the 18-year-olds' mentor Louis Walsh.

If you missed it over the weekend, here you are, pet...

It was nice to see a heavyweight boxer bully a young woman for her apparent inability to cook. Yeah, you tell her Joe! If the souffle Sabrina cooks for camp doesn't rise properly, you should knock her out!

Of course it's not really nice to see that kind of behaviour. I was employing the lazy comedic tool of sarcasm, just as do when I say that I got a massive pan-handle on seeing The Sun's photo of a topless Kim at the weekend. The most unnecessary shot since a Brazilian with a rucksack last ran to catch a tube.*

Katie Price - or Jordan if you prefer - has left I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

The official ITV microsite has confirmed it and tabloids are reporting it too. According to The Sun, Price told bosses of the Insect Paradegramme that she couldn't hack the constant requests of the public, notably, for her to do continual grim and humiliating things.

Price reportedly said: "I can't do another trial. I'm walking. There's only so much crap one person can take.

"The way I've been treated on the show by the viewers, you'd think I was the most hated woman in Britain."

"It is getting beyond a joke. Everyone seems to hate me so much more than I thought.

"I said at the start that I came on the show for a bit of peace and quiet, to try and get my head together after the divorce. But now I'm feeling uncomfortable.''

Ant & Dec In 'Pull Back & Reveal' Joke Technique Shocker...

Joe Bugner carried on his one man education of the camp last night, detailing some more potentially hazardous organisms and where they can turn up on or in a human being. According to Kim, he was 'putting the willies up people'. Also going up people (well, their vaginas) are ticks, apparently. Is he making this stuff up? Who cares? Let's be honest, it's just funny to hear words like 'vagina' on telly, isn't? Tee hee hee!

This is the 'news':

Strictly's Camilla Ballons in Weight – Loses Hair

Katie Pulls in 267% of Public Vote in Live Trial

Ghost of Rod Hull on Standby for Jungle Entry

Someone left I'm a Celebrity... Joe Bugner went in... Kim had a menopausal moment and blah blah blah...

All of this pales into insignificance when you consider that last night's I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! invented a new type of porn.

Most adult movies deal in degradation these days. Whole clusters of well-wanged blokes stood around some lass, giving her a viscous shower... or someone crying while they defecate into a tin bucket while some old fella yanks himself into a eye-rolling foam... or that one with a lady dressed up as E.T. - it's all there if you search for it.

Yet, even the most filthy minded sorts who are into the most dreadful and niche interests must get bored, right? At some point, like normal sex, the whole process surely becomes a little passé?

Have some headlines. Go on. Nah, take them, I don’t want ‘em:

Ant & Dec's 'Dec & Ant' experiment ends in tragedy

After three thoroughly unpleasant days in the jungle, Strictly Come Dancing star Camilla Dallerup has quit I’m A Celebrity.

Dallerup continually broke down in tears in the camp as she struggled to cope with the jungle conditions, leaving her to yell ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!!'

Those who tuned in will have seen How Clean Is Your Home star Kim Woodburn and Misteeq singer Sabrina Washington comforting the dancer during yesterday’s show. They may well have sneered "you big soft git" as well.

Camilla admitted: ‘I just can’t sleep properly and I can’t think properly. My brain’s not working. It’s only three days in, so what’s going to happen after this?

‘I’m scared because I don’t want to put my health in danger and I can’t think straight.’

Coming at you like a thousand cockroaches pumped directly into your face through a Perspex tube, here are your headlines:

‘Jordan-sized jungle hole filled by Jordan’

These are the headlines:

'Jordan-shaped hole confuses junglemates'
'Cleaner harasses chamois leather in caravan'
'Fire wood poses as 'Strictly...' dancer - fools ITV producers'

'IAC...GMOOH!' has begun! And wow, what a start!

We kick off in spectacular style with ten minutes of people awkwardly introducing themselves on a boat. The best intro being from Stuart Manning who used to be in Hollyoaks. Ages ago. “I'm Stuart Manning. I used to be in Hollyoaks. Ages ago...”. We're then treated to a further ten minutes of people doing nothing in a helicopter. Yeah! Whoa!

"Putting a live spider in your mouth is the ultimate disgusting thing ever". And so spake Gino D'Acampo on last night's return of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! (ITV1).

He's clearly never seen the show before. If he had, he'd realise that sharing headspace with a bug in something that looked like a rubbish sci-fi helmet is nowhere near the most vile thing the participants will put themselves through. I imagine at some point, we'll see Jimmy White getting a camera stuck in his face whilst he's weeps through each grisly chew of a rodent's colon.

Katie Price, aka Jordan is to return to the jungle in the new series of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, which started on ITV1 tonight.

A different girl to how she was the first time she entered, everyone was curious about her and what the girl behind the false knockers was like. A love story unfolded with Peter Andre, and although neither couple won, they got the next best prize of the Heat-magazine-reader interest. This resulted in magazine deals and exclusive interviews and coverage of their weddings and childrens' photos and she cashed-in. They were out of the jungle, but ITV followed them with various fly-on-the-wall shows on ITV2. Kerching.