Hello BGT fans.

Two more acts need to go through tonight in the third semi-final show. I hope tonightt is a bit better than last night. I’m excited about one or two of the acts tonight. The judges are out, Amanda is looking good and Barbie-like, let’s go…

First up, Harmony. They’re singing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cindi Lauper. Oh God this stuff is of my nightmares. I like pink, but this is too much. Too tweenie, for Queenie. She won’t like this, it will mean nothing to her. It’s chaos disguised as girly frolicking.

These won’t get through. And now just because they’re the first act and will be easily forgotten. It’s the stuff of kid’s TV.

Piers is being polite about them.Amanda liked them. Also, being polite. Simon, not mincing words said that they were “atrocious”.

Next up Kay Oresanya. The human-saxophone. Simon doesn’t know why he is in the semi-finals.

Neither do I. He is making noises to Feed The World by Michael Jackson. GOD THIS IS AWFUL.

If you like the sound of cats and babies screaming, pigs squealing as they are slaughtered, and so on, you’d love him. Otherwise, this is crap.

Simon buzzed him within seconds without hesitation. He must not get through.

Simon is getting booed by the audience for his criticism. What is wrong with them? This act is terrible. IT’S NOT EVEN AN ACT. IT’S NOT A TALENT.

Next up, it’s ballroom dancers from Essex, Ben and Becky, who are brother and sister.

They’re dacning to Long Tall Sally. They’re good and professional, but not fantastic. They seemed to be better in the audition. It’s been like this for other acts too. They’ve lost their magic. Simon seems to agree and he’s upset Becky. Oh no. Piers and Amanda disagree with him, and the crowd cheer. Will be interesting to see how they do in the votes.

And now, 12-year-old Shaheen Jafagholi. He dazzled the judges and the audience in his audition, and he has a lot to live up to, as expectations are high. I hope he doesn’t crack…

Bloody hell he’s singing even better. Watch out Susan. I’m not sure about the song, but his voice is incredible. He’s going to be amazing when he’s older.He has to get through tonight. BRILLIANT. The audience are going crazy. Piers and Amanda are stood up cheering. Simon isn’t though.

He’s a lovely little boy too. Very sweet and not overly sappy and prima-donnaish. Piers thinks it was the best singing performance in the semi-finals so far.

Awww he has the cuuutest smile. I want to buy him sweets.

Simon thinks he chose a really difficult song and he was nervous about it, but he thinks it worked. Simon is certain he’ll be in the final and he’s a contender to win the competition. GO SHAHEEN!

Next up, the Barrow Boys. If you remember these from the audition, they are basically three blokes who dick-around with wheelbarrows.

They’re dicking-around tonight to Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen.

Nothing spectacular so far. Anyone could do this with a few friends if they each had a barrow, a song playing and the ability to move in simple rhythm. Not even rhythm, just remember a routine.

Amanda likes them as she has family in Devon, where the Barrow Boys are from. But they haven’t really changed or improved their act, so he was disappointmed. Piers was the same too.

Next up, is dance troupe MD Showgroup. They’re 35 teen dancers from Liverpool.

They’re dancing to a medley of music. They’re very energetic and giving it full force. The kicks are hard, and the head-bangs look neck-breaking. They’re good and feisty but not quite as polished as FLAWLESS or DIVERSITY.

Simon wishes he could “bottle their passion” and he thought it was incredible. They’re thrilled to hear it, and I think Simon has taken a shine to them. They seem quite emotional, and they’ve put a lot of heart and feeling into their dancing. They dance like it’s a matter of “life or death” as Amanda said. Well put, Holden.

Well done girls, even if you don’t win I hope you go far.

Near the end now, and the penultimate act tonight is…sigh…Floral Highnotes. Sigh.

Thi s is flower arranging while a lady sings. Yep. Like some weird live art it is.

Lady – I’m sorry I haven’t bothered to learn their names – is singing Rule Brittania. The Queen would actually like that. And Gentleman is arranging flowers around. He’s making a bouquet. The bouquet could be given to the Queen after the song has finished.

It’s a mix of cheers and boos. Okay, apparently the bouquet was made to look like the shield of Britannia. I did not get that.

Piers thinks it was sophisticated. Amanda agreed. Simon thinks even the Royal family is too modern for it and they would find it dull.

Finally, we have Stavros Flatley. I remember remarking on how the little boy reminded me of Bobby Hill from KIng of the Hill. He still does.

Well, it’s like the mad Greek dancing. What’s it called? You know what I mean. It’s okay. Kind of funny I suppose. Seemed funnier first time around. They’re still nice in a mad father/son act kind of way.

THE VOTING LINES ARE OPEN. THE NUMBERS AND VOTING INFORMATION IS HERE.

 

Stavros Flatley and Shaheen are through to the final! Aww Shaheen was so upset for the others. BLESS HIM. He’s a sweetheart. RIGHT. That’s that done for another night. NO SEMI-FINALS TOMORROW.

The next semi-finals are Thursday night. See you then.

Tomorrow night check out BrokenBottleBoy’s APPRENTICE LIVE BLOG. Wahooo! So long.

Hello BGT fans.

First off aplogies for abruptly cutting-off last nights live blog at the end – this was due to technical difficulties. Hopefully it won’t happen again tonight.

RIGHT.

The judges are out. Ant and Dec are on about something. Here we go…

First up, DJ TALENT. In the VT, Talent’s dad says that he imagined him to be into stamp collecting, but no.

If you remember DJ Talent didn’t actually DJ in the audition, he just shouted. Well tonight things are the same.

He is in a gold suit. Not quite Kanye West, more like Jimmy Saville. The chorus is the same – “I say Britain, you say talent…” – yeah you remember it.

He’s done thank goodness. He’s showing Amanda his belt buckle.

Piers can relate to Talent, as they’re both annoying, or something. I don’t get what he’s on about. Something about him pulling the country together. No, I don’t understand this.

Now it’s Merlin, the escapologist.

He’s going to escape from a straight jacket hanging upside down from a burning rope. Yeeeeesh, he has a minute to do it in. He says Houdini broke two ribs attempting this task, and the rope wasn’t even on fire then…

HE’S DONE IT. Well done Houdini!

That was proper dangerous.

The judges liked it. Amanda is pleased at how he made it more exciting this time round, and upped his talent. Simon has given him 10/10. He thinks he is an honest guy and hopes he does well.

Now, we have a dance group, the Hot Honeyz. Piers’ll like this. Lots of lasses getting undressed and dancing. His dream this is.

They’re dancing to When I Grow Up, by the Pussycat Dolls.

It”s hard to describe the dancing as I can’t tell you what the moves are. I could copy them, but you wouldn’t see what I’m doing – and you wouldn’t want to either, I have no co-ordination.

Simon thinks it was clumsy. He’s right, it didn’t gel. They weren’t good together at all. Not polished. They’re just lasses in skimpy outfits. Amanda liked them. Nobody else seemed that bothered, surprisingly of all, including Piers.

Next up, Jamie Pugh. If you saw the audition, he was incredibly nervous. He was shaking and terrified, but he gave a knockout performance. Let’s see what he does now…

He’s singing The Impossible Dream. OH. I foresee tears. From Amanda.

His voice doesn’t seem quite as good as last time. Amanda’s buzzed him. There’s something uneasy about this. The song doesn’t suit him.

Piers says that he controlled his nerves, but his voice wasn’t as good tonight as it was in the audition. Amanda didn’t “feel comfortable” watching him, and she felt nervous watching him. Simon says Amanda is to blame for making him nervous for buzzing him.

Piers said that he had guts to get up there and perform. Jamie shouldn’t feel bad, he did so well to get so far.

Now we have Peter, or as you may remember him…Mamma Trish.

Good God he looks hiddeous. He’s jiggling to Single Ladies by Beyonce. If she could see this she’d vomit.

Simon might be close to puking, he’s buzzed. As has Amanda. Oh finish this now please.

He hasn’t got much cheering. In fact, he’s got some boos.

Simon has described this act perfectly: ‘fat bloke in a wig’. He just stood there and jiggled. The Queen would not care for this at all.

Now it’s ventriloquist, Gareth. He’s trying something new tonight and making a “gamble” as he put it…he’s on.

Haha, his dummy is like a Pavarotti. Simon’s buzzed. He’s bored already. You can’t really tell he’s speaking though. He’s good at it, and he can sing doing it too.

What will the judges think?

Simon didn’t like him much at all. Amanda and Piers were much more favourable towards him. He had the most seamless performance tonight, anyway.

Now another singer, Sean Smith. He’s singing With Or Withiout You, by U2. Nothing extraordinary. He’s okay, but he’d be voted out of X Factor finals early on. Good enough to get through, but not a winning voice.

The judges liked him, and Simon seems to think he was the best act tonight so far. Amanda reckons Susan Boyle has competition. I don’t think so.

Finally, we have FLAWLESS. I loved these guys. I hope they can pull of something spectacular tonight. I’m feeling nervous tonight for the first time for an act.

They’re dressed in old military garb. I like it. They’re synchronised liked soldiers. Ah I get it now. The audience loved them.

To vote, check the numbers to call on our VOTING PAGE. You have five minutes, vote now!

Back after the break…

THe public vote has gone to…FLAWLESS.

They are in the final on Saturday. THe judges now must decide between the next two most popular acts. They were…Shaun Smith and Gareth Oliver.

Well this is a foregone conclusion. I think Shaun will go through, unless Piers and Amanda REALLY liked Gareth.

Simon chose Shaun. Piers chose Gareth. Amanda chose Shaun.

Surprise surprise…not.

Well, that’s FLAWLESS and SHAUN SMITH through to the final on Saturday. Right. A drink of milk, Family Guy and bed for me. Goodnight all, see you on TOMORROW NIGHT.

Don’t forget to view BrokenBottleBoy’s brilliant Apprentice Live Blog on Wednesday night. With all this live blog action, we’re really spoiling you. Seeya.

Hello BGT fans, long time no see, ahahahaha. Ahem.

It’s the first live semi-final. It’s proper proper live tonight. Ooooh. All the semi-finalists are desperate and they WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING LIKE THEIR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

Here we go….

The judges are out. Amanda is in a sparkly mini dress. Looks pretty.

First up tonight is DIVERSITY.

Well their moves are a lot more polished. They just threw the little kid with the massive hair through the air! There is a Michael Jackson cum Mission Impossible thing going on. A guy has just come down from the ceiling!

They were good. The judges loved them and they were surprised at how well they did and how much they improved on their audition.

09011 32 22 01 TO VOTE.

 

Now we have Sue Son. Remember she auditioned with a friend, and then Simon told her to come back alone?

She seems determined. GO SUE.

She has an orchestra behind her and it’s hard to tell if there is more than one set of strings being played. Hmm. I preferred her unaccompanied.

What do the judges think…Piers says she is “terrific”. Amanda calls her a “vixen with a violin”. Simon says she is “talented but not that likeable”. I agree. It’s hard for her to show her personality playing the violin. Let yourself go Sue.

09011 32 22 02 TO VOTE.

Now, after the break, we’re back, and next up we havee Darth Jackson. Sigh.

How did he get through at all? He’s rubbish. Simon says he’ll resign if he wins. He won’t. It’s just some bloke in a Darth Vader costume swinging a toy light saber about to Michael Jackson. The only thing remotely different about this performance are the professional dancers who are dressed up in some Star Wars garb stood behind him. Otherwise: RUBBISH. Nobody was cheering through it like they did for Diversity. Simon buzzed early on.

Amanda was disappointed by the performance. THANK GOD SHE’S SEEN SENSE.

09011 32 22 03 TO VOTE. But why the hell would you?

Now we have Natalie Okri. Thank goodness. Aww look at her.

She’s singing Superstar by Jamelia. She’s wearing sequins. Good girl.

Oh I hate saying this but now she’s been seen by the stylist and been given choreography and she has a proper backing band with singers she’s not as adorable. She’s too polished now. I hate saying that. She’s a lovely girl.

Piers is right calling her a “star in the making”. Simon is unsure about the choice of song – I agree – as it didn’t show off her voice too well.

09011 32 33 04 TO VOTE.

Next up, Julia Naidenko. She’s bellydancing to Lady Marmalade. Piers is the smitten slobbering kitten again, with that grin on his face. Amanda has just buzzed. Hmm. She doesn’t look pleased.

Simon and Piers stand up to applaud her.

OOOH PIERS SAID AMANDA BUZZED THROUGH JEALOUSY.

AMANDA WONDERS WHAT PIERS WAS “THINKING WITH”. Hmmmm!

Amanda buzzed because she thinks the Queen wouldn’t like it. I think she’s right.

09011 32 33 05 TO VOTE.

Now we have Nick Hell. Oh God not him again. Ant is warning the audience not to try this at home. NO SHIT.

OH NO HE’S GOT A POWERDRILL THROUGH HIS NOSE. SIMON HAS BUZZED HIM.

The Queen would hate this. The Duke of Edinburgh would have a heart attack watching it. TWO MORE BUZZES. He’s done thank God.

Piers thinks that on reflection they made a terrible mistake putting him through and he feels physically sick watching him. Nick’s girlfriend looks like she could put a nurse on the judges.

Simon says this is not family entertainment.

09011 32 22 06 TO VOTE. Please don’t though.

Now we have Faces of Disco. They’re dancing to In The Navy by The Village People. I wasn’t keen on these before, but they seem to be funnier now. Or maybe I am easily swayed because they are now topless? This could be funny for a little while, as they can be topical with the personalities they dance as. E.g. Jordan and Peter, Obama and Brown…and so on.

Simon thinks the act is “low rent” but it gets a reaction from the audience who find it funny.

09011 32 22 07 TO VOTE.

Now, the one EVERYONE has been waiting for…she’s from West Lothian. SUSAN BOYLE.

BBC Worldwide and YouTube today announced the renewal of their global partnership for BBC Worldwide YouTube channels and short-form videos. The extension ensures that the BBC’s most watched and beloved programming, like Doctor Who, Top Gear and The Mighty Boosh, remain available to YouTube’s massive online audience.

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In the coming weeks, BBC Worldwide will unveil dedicated channels for comedy and natural history clips and a U.S. only channel BBC America.

Simon Danker, Director of Global Content Partnerships, Digital Media, BBC Worldwide says, “The success of the Top Gear and EastEnders channels launched on YouTube last year prove that fans of BBC content love to have a dedicated channel for their favourite shows. Building communities for fans and developing new opportunities for advertisers is at the heart of our new partnership with YouTube.”

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The renewal of the partnership is part of BBC Worldwide’s ongoing strategy to promote its content to new audiences around the world to support its suite of global channels, magazines and content on other digital platforms.

Graham Norton’s in the hotseat for tonight’s rundown of the 25 cheesiest songs Europe can muster. It’s the first Eurovision since the ’70s without the familiar world-weary bile soaked observations from Terry Wogan but I hope to counteract some of Graham’s campy commentary. 

Expect terrible lyrics, unpleasantly skimpy outfits, knee slides, national costumes and enough fake tan to keep Jodie Marsh glowing for years. Will Jade Ewen (with her Andrew Lloyd Webber penned song) be able to outfox the combined voting power of the East? Wogan quit after his paranoia over block voting got too much for him. Will the new scoring system – a strange hybrid of public voting and a mysterious jury – help the UK to avoid the dreaded “nul poit”? 

20:00 And we’re off with an exciting montage of Moscow and a voiceover from Graham Norton: “I miss Terry too.” At least you realise Graham. 

The Russians have apparently spared no expense. This seems to mean giving us a bizarre fable about last year’s winner performed by Cirque Du Soleil. 

Tonight is the launch of Cirque Du Soleil in Russia even though 40% of their performers are Russian (well done Graham, you’ve been doing your homework). 

20:02 Much running, skipping and jumping. And now a midget (Jeannette Krankie, according to Graham) is flying through the air attached to a parachute.

And now last year’s winner Dima Bilan is being lowered onto the stage dressed like Tony Hancock. 

He’s ditched that to reveal some rather fetching white jeans. And he’s running through a wall. Oh and bunch of the most attractive looking paparazzi I’ve ever seen are now harassing him. And there’s some more walls to run through before he’s lowered into the crowd with an angel hanging somewhat listlessly above him. 

20:07 The song – which I have never heard before – is like something by the Backstreet Boys or N-Sync in the mid-90s. Only, it’s one of the shit ballady ones they used for album tracks. Baby Bye Bye it’s not. 

Still good for Dima, he’s putting his all into it. 

And now we get a replay of him running through the walls – in case you missed the dramatic scenes just moments before. 

20:09 Already having to use white wine as a crude anaesthetic. 

Here come the presenters – the woman Alsou (a Russian singer) and Ivan (an actor). Alsou is wearing a dress that looks like she’s slaughtered Big Bird. Ivan’s suit is super-shiny. He looks like Vernon Kaye if he’d been struck repeatedly with a spade. 

They’re pointing out that Moscow is actually pretty warm today. They don’t mention the fact that the police brutally put down a gay rights protest earlier. I expect that’d spoil the mood. 

20:11 Graham says we’ll be impressed by the show. I’m reserving judgement. 

There’s little segment in between featuring Miss World. They’re bizarre and each end up with her wearing an odd country themed wig. 

20:13 Sasha Son from Lithuania is up first. He’s opted for the time honoured approach of singing in English and has come dressed as an anaemic version of that bloke from Orson. Fedoras seems to have just become trendy in Lithuania. 

The song is a piano ballad which includes the word love repeated approximately 7000 times. Oh he’s switched into Lithuanian. Covering all the bases is old Sasha. Nice one…um…Son. 

20:16 Israel’s song is a political duet between a Jew and an Arab. It’s called It Must Be Another Way. Here you go Tony Blair, stop wasting your time with all that envoy business just get some well scrubbed ladies to sing a ballad power ballad. One of them (it might be Noa) has also opted to protest for piece while wearing a dress with frankly eye popping cleavage. 

“There must be another way,” apparently. If it could possibly avoid this ’80s production and sub-Lesley Garratt style vocal gymanists, I’d be really greatful. 

Extra points though for their joint drumming mid-song. Multi-tasking! 

Patricia Kass is next up representing France. She’s a massive star there and has sold 16m albums in Russia. 

20:21 The song is a pretty standard French chanteuse type guff almost like a playmobil version of Edith Piaf. Patricia is a similarly birdlike blonde. The song lyrics are a little worrying though. “If I had to I would stop the Earth/put out the light to let you sleep.” It sounds like it’s been penned by a lovelorn evil scientist. 

20:24 Malena Ernmann for Sweden now for Sweden with La Voix. It’s a pop opera thing. Starts with a bit of wailing and then its straight into a Euro-dance beat. Malena wants to know if we can keep a secret. Given that she looks like a scrum half in a wig and has distinctly unhinged looking eyes, I’m not sure I want to know what the secret is in the first place. 

20:27 She is properly terrifying says Graham. He’s not wrong. 

20:28 Ignor Cukrov featuring Andrea step up for Croatia. He’s wearing slightly militaristic boots and looks like a Zac Efron a few years down the line if he decides to go down the hookers and hard drugs route. 

The song is a baffling little ballad. The object of his affections can apparently “turn water into wine”. Does Ignor fancy Jesus? 

Andrea, so generic they decided to ditch the surname, contributes dress wafting and wailing to the party. Meanwhile Ignor’s backing dancers are all dressed in Bride Of Dracula style outfits. 

20:31 Portugal’s up next represented by Flor-de-lis. Despite traditional dress and an accordion, Graham has just confessed that he likes this tune. 

The guitarist looks a little constipated. 

Excellent lyric: “You’re the paint and I’m the canvas.” Best metaphor so far. 
Actually quite tuneful accordion playing and a tune makes this one actually pretty tolerable. 
20:33 Flor-de-lis’s singer (to continue the unnecessary comparisons with real celebrities) looks like Adele if she decided to lose the giner barnet and lay off the fags and vodka and cokes for a while. 
There’s a man with a ukulele! Portugal are my new favourites. 

20:35 Yohanna for cash-strapped Iceland is on now with “Is It True.” It’s true she’s slavered on enough lipgloss to stun a badger. It’s also true that her dress would, as Graham just mentioned, have looked on trend at a wedding in about 1986. 

20:37 Yohanna has nailed that generic American accent required of blonde starlette singers. The song is a mid-tempo pop ballad with some strings bolted on for a bit of gravitas. The fact that the camera men are swooping around helps no end. Graham tells us Yohanna is one of the favourites. Iceland with no cash are probably hoping she doesn’t win. 

20:39 Sakis Rouvas, the Greek Entry, has released 20 albums and used to be a gymnast. He’s in a tight white outfit that would have made Chico stop for thought. He’s the first example of the Eurovision nuclear tan tonight. 

He has eyes that scream: hey baby, come back to my bungalow. I make a mean martini. He is also disconcertingly well waxed. 

He’s now on some kind of moving platform which allows him to do a kind of moonwalk without actually making any effort. Points deducted for that. 

And he’s doing a bit of a PJ Proby now (look it up pop history lovers), deliberately ripping his top to reveal his pecs. 

“If he wins, there’ll be a keep fit video by Christmas,” quips Graham. 

20:43 Armenia represented by sisters, Inga and Anshush. 

They’re dressed in outfits nicked from Miranda Richardson’s cupboard of costumes from back when she played Morgan Le Fey in Merlin. They’re like the Cheeky Girls if they opted to cover themselves up a bit, learn to hold a tune and avoided any irritating Liberal Democrat MPs. 

 

20:46 Anastasia Prikhodko for Russia singing a song called Mamo. Her dad’s an oligarch which may or may not have had some influence on her selection. She’s got the whole hog, five massive screen behind her.

She cannot sing and to quote Half Man Half Biscuit “that’s a shit arm and a bad tattoo.” 

The lyrics make it seem like a slowed down Papa Don’t Preach style ode to youthful mistakes: “Mum, I didn’t know where trouble lay/ Mum, love is trouble.” 

There’s some exciting Sinead O’Connor style crying in the video that plays behind her with her face subtly ageing. Full marks for the visuals. Shame they weren’t a silent film though. 

20:51 Aysal and Arash for Azerbijan. Arash is apparently a huge recording star in the Balkans. He was born in Iran (it says here) and wrote the song himself. It’s pretty catchy. 

Arash has now got hold of some kind of tiny guitar – traditional instrument alert! 

The wind machine is back again giving us a quick flash of Aysal’s pants. It’s clear she’s on the ticket because of everything but her singing. 

20:54 Bosnia-Herzegovina. Regina are there representatives. They’ve been together for years and once supported The Rolling Stones. Taking a look at them you realise why: Mick doesn’t want to be upstaged. Their outfits are a cross between Les Miserables and those irritating human statues that clutter up the high street. 

The song is starting pretty slow but the lead singer is giving it some pulling the legs akimbo, fist-in-the-air stance. 

20:58 Graham keep encouraging us to sing along. I’d really rather not. 

We’re now getting a little interlude while the rest of Europe watch ads. 

The sketch is of the police trying to stop her filming. As Graham notes, it’s a bit ironic as the real police spent their day breaking up protests. 

21:00 Nelly Ciobunu for Macedonia. She looks like Esmerelda from the Hunchback Of Notre Dame (if we’re being charitable). The song is a traditional Macedonian style song perked up with some beats and some male dancers seemingly choreographed to look like they’re bursting for a piss. 

21:04 Chiara singing for Malta. “She’s never met a Malteser she didn’t like,” says Graham before the screen fills up with Chiara. She’s a big woman who’d have been well advised to give the sequins a miss. 

Oh she just winked at the camera. Cheeky. 

The song is another big ballad with superbly generic lyrics: “What if we could be free? Throw the dice. Unravel our lies. And learn how to be…who determines your destiny?” Imagine if Blowin’ In The Wind has been rewritten by Celine Dion while she was taking strong painkillers. 

21:07 Urban Symphony are competing for Estonia. It’s song number 15 and my fingers are already starting to seize up. 

Lots of strings in this one and a lead singer with a very severe fringe. Did they skimp on the styling? Your mother and a pudding bowl is now the answer. 

She’s clutching a violin so I predict Vanessa Mae style antics any time now. 

21:11 Brinck is representing Denmark. He sounds like Ronan Keating because Ronan Keating wrote the song. His performance is also a carbon copy of Ronan’s trademark blandage. 

“I’ve never had a picture of an end.” Brilliantly, Ronan, a man who’s native language is English has still managed to write utterly baffling lyrics. 

The guitarists would rather be in Nickleback. 

21:15 Germany, have only one once in 51 years. They’re act is Alex Swings Oscar Sings. They’re secret weapon is an appearance from Dita Von Teese. 

Oscar looks like Chuckie-Doll turned Cabaret kid Ray Quinn. Meanwhile the pony-tailed prat on the piano (I assume that’s Alex) should have stayed in the hotel foyer. Dita is removing her clothes but the camera is not really dwelling on her.

Nope, she’s to the fore now. She’s wearing an unfeasibly tight to corset and has picked up a riding crop. Prepare to do some explaining if you’re watching with kids. 

Oscar has got in on the act, opening his shirt to reveal his abs. 

21:19 “That’s the low point over,” promises Graham. Oh how I wish I could believe you. 

Turkey’s taking the stage. Hadise singing Dum Tek Tek.  She’s also apparently a big star. Her performance is pretty polished. And the song is catchy. The wind machine is on full blast again to send her skirts flying. More unneccessary knickers. 

21:22 Albania up next. Graham predicts that this will be a surpise. 

The subtitler for BBC One has gone crazy and stopped writing what Graham is saying. 

A man in a sequinned gimp mask and a pair of twin dwarves dancing with a 17-year-old in a tutu. This is not a Eurovision song, it’s an outtake from a David Lynch film.

The dwarves are now break-dancing. 

21:26 Now, Fairytale by Alexander Rybok for Norway. Graham tells us he’d quite like to give him a slap. And I can see why – he’s a gurning creature that could well be a badly designed Pinnoccio puppet. 

“Years ago, when I was younger, I kind of liked a girl I knew…I’m in love with a fairytale.” 

Once again there is gratuitous violin playing. Someone needs to institute a quota. Is this some secret plan to sort out the EU Violin mountain? 

21:28 Graham predicts Alexander may well win. Oh come on please no. 

21:30 The Russian presenters are back. The woman is wearing a dress made of left over Christmas ribbon. Chummy is still in the fire hazard suit. 

21:31 Representing the Ukraine, Svetlana Loboda has morgaged her flat to pay for the set. Which appears to have been bought from a futuristic pole fancing club. Svetlana herself would benefit from that kind of low light. 

“Because I’m crazy BOM!” Yes, Svetlana, you clearly are. 

Her dancers are dressed as centurion strippers. She’s certainly got a vision. 

21:34 “I’m your anti-crisis girl.” I do actually love it. In fact, I’m crazy BOM for it. 

21:35 Romania: The Balkan Girls “sung” by Elena. Graham suggests that the woman in the blue dress to the far right of the stage to actually sing the hard bits. It seems like Elena and her disconcerting bosoms is just another bit of the stage decoration. Still Romania are sticking to the rules. There is someone on stage singing the live vocal. She’s just hidden behind a rock now. 

“My hips are ready to glow.” Steady on love. 

21:39 It’s Jade’s turn representing the UK. She’s been on a propaganda campaign to win Europe over and is on the cover of Russian OK. The down side is that she’s got living gargoyle Andrew Lloyd Webber on piano for her. 

He is very popular in Russian but let’s be honest it’s not that long since they were greatful for a pair of Levi’s and a potato each. 

21:41 Jade is doing a good “Leona Lewis”. The girl can sing. But the song is just bland. On the plus side she’s actually wearing quite a nice dress. Whether the sequin encrusted mic was neccessary…well, I’ll let you be the judge. 

A good performance but may not be enough to outdo general European emnity towards the UK. 

21:46 Finland’s most successful dance act Waldo’s People jump into the fray. “Welcome back to the 1980s” cringes Graham. He’s spot on. Here comes that ill-advised rapping we’d all been dreading. All those years of idolising Vanilla Ice have obviously paid off for this guy while the rest of the band seemed to be three vat grown blondes. 

“Like Peter Piper I take Control…thats how I role…I’m a man who’s out of control.” Yes, we can tell from your backwards baseball cap. 

21:49 The final song – Soraya for Spain with a song written by a bunch of treacherous Swedish songwriters for hire. She’s a dead ringer for Sarah Harding and wearing  a hankerchief covered in sequins. “Come on and take me, come on and shake me,” she demands. I would but I find you slightly intimidating. 

Oh there’s been a bit of magic. She’s disappeared and popped up on the opposite side of the stage. “Apparently there are no taboos” and she wants to “nail you to my cross.” 

21:51 The presenters are doing comedy, in English in front of a crowd that doesn’t speak it. As Graham points out that’s a bit tricky. 

They presenters are encouraging us to vote nicely. 

The International Space Station astronauts are giving the signal to start the voting. Seriously? Are they not a bit busy? 

21:53 Right, they’re recapping the songs. Sweden was frigthening but Albania, well Albania probably deserves some kind of sympathy vote. She will need therapy after the midgets and mirrorball gimp routine. 

I say go for Portugal. They were nice weren’t they. And if someone could actually put Waldo’s People down, I think that would be best for us all. 

Special mention for S

vetlana of the Ukraine. She really

was crazy bom! 

22:01

Another hilarious skit: “Lots of people think Russia is controlled by KGB types.” Based on today’s events that’s rather ironic. Well done to Graham for bringing that up whenever he can. 

22:02 We’re in the green room with another irritating presenter. Graham tells us the guy who was doing it before got the boot for being dreadful. 

22:07 Ivan, the Russian Vernon Kaye just stole an audience member’s phone, well he had to do something to fill the last minute of screen time before voting finished. 

22:08 Now the interval acts. Rapidly chugging wine to make this less painful. 

They’re Argentinia acrobats suspended in pools of water high above the arena. It’s very impressive but Graham tells us they must have been up their for hours as they can’t have been set during the show. 

Two larger pools have joined the smaller ones. They’re all going to be lowered down so the crowd can touch them. One has also been lowered over the Green Room. They are seriously massive. 

Graham has a good point: “It’s like you went to a giant fair and won a girl in a plastic bag.” 

The crowd clapping beneath the pools look like cultists awaiting the arrival of their alien overlords. 

22:15 Andrew Lloyd Webber is being interviewed, he looks like an animatronic toad. He’s claiming Jade is Britain’s best artist. The man is delusional. 

22:17 “She gave a fantastic performance…she couldn’t have done any better.” I think Andrew is hedging his bets there. Time for the juries. 

22:18 Spain: “It’s the BEST Eurovision ever.” They award 8 points to Portugal and 10 points to the UK. 12 points for Norway. Not that berk. 

22:19 Maureen from Belgium: 10 points for Norway. 12 points for Turkey. None for us. After all we’ve done for you Belgium. Hadise from Turkey looks very pleased. 

22:20 Belarus – displaying a frightening cleavage. UK gets 3 points. She’s going very slowly. Not suprisingly their big points go to Russia, Azerbaijan and…Norway. His caterpillar eyebrows are dancing with joy. 

22:21 Valetta from Malta is going on a bit. Tell us the votes love. There’s a night club in the background. UK – 10 points. We’re currently at Number 3. We’ll let you off for the waffling. 

22:22 Now Thomas from Germany: he looks like a battered up version of Alec Baldwin. 8 points for the UK. We’re still at Number 2 but Norwat are streaking ahead (54 to 31). 

22:23 Czech Republic. Petra’s made an affort. Bit of brown nosing about the show. UK – 6 points. Good but come on Petra, that’s not enough. 8 points to Russia. 10 to Azerbaijan (in  fifth place). 

 

22:24 Sarah from Sweden: “Good evening Europe…” She’s a bit pleased with herself. Azerbaijan gets 8 points and Sarah gives us a little bit from the song. Does the same thing for Iceland. And for Norway who get the 12 points. 

22:25 Recap: Norway at 1, UK at 2 and Turkey at 3. Long way to go. 

22:26 Dora from Iceland. They award some points to Finland. Waldo’s People? Loyalty should only go so far. Top points go to Norway again. 

22:27 Jan from Paris in front of the Eiffel Tower, cliched. Norway pick up some more points. UK get 4 but we’ve dropped to Number 3. 

22:28 Shalom! Israel (who shouldn’t really count). Oh, I’ll take that back we got 4 points off them. That was nice. Armenia jump up to third though and we’re down to 4th. 

The “legendary” 12 points fo to Norway. His lead is solid. 

22:29 Inga Borga for Russia. Well, she’s sweet. UK – 6 points. Norway pick up 12. They’ve now got double the points we have. 

22:30 Latvia. “Dear God, does he know he’s on television?” asks Graham. The representative is the definition of swarthy and stingy too. We get 2 points but are back in 3rd. Iceland are ahead of by 1 point and Norway get 12 points AGAIN. 

 

22:31 The slightly vampiric representative of Montenegro. “That’s either natual dress or a horrible dress,” mutters Graham. His quips are improving as the night goes on. 10 more points for Norway. She is stringing her part out a bit. Their 12 points go to Bosnia Hertzegovina. Local voting. 

22:22 We’ve dropped out of the top 3. Graham is still encouraging us to press the red button and read messages from other viewers. 

22:32 Four points from Andorra for the UK. 10 points for Norway. 12 points save Spain from nil poit! 

22:33 Jerry in Finland is wearing a slightly unwise plaid shirt. 12 points go to Estonia. More points for Norway. Nowt for dear old Jade. 

22:34 We’re competing for a runners-up place now. Norway are now on 161 points. UK = 57. Graham’s now forced to note that we’re still in the Top 10. 

22:35 Very happy woman from Bulgaria. 7 points for the UK. 2 for Norway. 8 points for Azerbaijan. 10 points for Turkey. 12 points for Greece giving the former favourite a welcome boost. 

22:37 Lithuania, Villnus – European Capital Of Culture 2009 and giver of 3 points. We’re still in a 5. 12 points for Norway and the man from Lithuania goes a little bit mad ruffling his own hair. 

22:38 Our representative is…Duncan James from Blue. Is that the best we could do? 8 points for Iceland. 10 points for Norway. 12 points to Turkey. Seems that Twitter’s love of Molodova and the Ukraine didn’t translate to phone votes.

22:39 Macedonia give the UK 6 points. We’re still in 5th place. Norway could be still be beaten but they’ll have to stop getting 12s. 

22:41 Another hilarious skit from Elena in place of the ad break the rest of Europe are getting. It’s a folk rendition of “Not Going To Get Us” by Tatu. Tatty-hilarious. 

22:42 The presenters take a moment to try and flog the official DVD. 

22:43 Slovakia: 7 points for the UK. 6 for Iceland. 8 for Bosnia. 10 points to Norway. 12 to Estonia – keeping it in the Eastern European family. 

22:44 “One of the oldest things in Athens,” says Graham, “It’s Alexis…” from Greece. 10 points for Norway again. 12 points to the UK! 

22:45 Bosnia has offered up a drug casualty to present their votes. UK does get 4 points which is helpful. 

22:46 Ukraine: dressed like Raquel Welch as a cavewoman and offering up 6 points to the UK. Current score 102. 12 points for Norway. UK =5th with Azerbaijan. 

22:47 Turkey is taking her time. 8 points to Bosnia. 10 points to Albania…really? The mirrorball gimp. Azerbaijan get 12 points. UK now in 6th. Norway now has 238 votes. 

22:49 8 points for UK from Albania. Greece get 12 points which eases his embarassment slightly. 

22:50 Jervana from Belgrade is talking about something “unforgettable” then she’s slung 8 points to the UK. Back in the Top 5. 

22:51 7 points from Cyprus. UK now on its highest score since 1998. 12 points for Greece (“A bit of a pity party from Greece,” says Graham). 

22:52 Poland’s representative is singing. He won’t be representing them next year. UK gets 4 points. 10 points for the Ukraine who although very “cool Bom!” is in at 10. Norway score the 12 points. Getting close to a record. 

22:53 Netherlands give UK 3 points. Turkey overtake picking up 8 points. They’re now 1 ahead of us. The 12 points go to “someone I fell in love with tonight” says the Dutch rep before awarding them to Norway. 

22:54 Estonia award their 12 points to Norway. Graham tells us it’s the most popular song ever. No points for the UK 

22:55 4 points from Croatia keep us in the top 5. Norway pick up points again. They’re now on 309 points. It’s now 2am in Russia. 

22:57 Portugal award the UK 10 points. We’re back in the top 4. 

22:57 Romania give 10 points to Iceland and 12 points to Moldova. That’s a baffling choice. 

22:58 Ireland’s turn. He’s really going on but awards the UK 10 points so we’ll let him off. 12 points go to Iceland which moves into Number 2. 

22:59 Felix Schmitt for Denmark looks like Brad Pitt playing Boris Johnson. 3 points for the UK, still 4th. Norway move up to 339. “That boy is going to be unbearable,” says Graham. Yep, no doubt. Perhaps we can send Lordi to gore him. 

23:00 Andre in Moldova looks like he’s going to fall alsleep. Only 1 point for the UK. “I’m proud I was tiny part of the show,” he simpers. Azerbaijan gain points catching up on Iceland. 

23:01 Peter from Slovenia asks for one minute of silence. Very awkward. Norwat get the 12 points. In the Green Room they are about to explode with joy. 

23:02 Armenia’s representative looks like an animated shop doll. UK picks up 7 points. Still 4th. 

23:04 Hungrary. UK 1 point. Norway have won but can we stay in the Top 4? 12 points go to Norway. “They must be building the set in Oslo already,” chuckles Graham. 

23:05 Azerbaijan penultimate country. “They haven’t got through a single rehearsal without technical difficulties,” says Graham. And they don’t tonight. The picture disappears and the ladies hair is clearly malfunctioning. Turkey get 12 points. There’s now 1 point stopping them from equalling or overtaking the UK. 

23:06 Norway – the final. “Thank you so much Russia, thank you so much Moscow, thank you so much Europe…” next he’ll thank his mother. 

Norway win with 387. 

“We can feel very proud indeed,” says Graham. It’s our best result for years. In the Top 5. He’s brown nosing Andrew Lloyd Webber again. 

“It’s an extraordinary year where music came back to the forefront of the Eurovision song contest.” claims Graham. But also fake tan, false boobs, burlesque dancers and terrible rapping. Truly all forms of bad taste music have been here. 

And now Alexander (soon to be played by Zac Efron in a cash-in biopic) takes to the stage. Lis Asia and last year’s winner are presenting the award to him. He’s man handling poor old Mrs Asia. 

23:12 Norway’s entry is being reprised. It’s a fairytale victory (oh come on, it was begging to be said). But unlike the Daz Sampson embarassment in 2006, Scooch’s Flying The Flag and Andy Abraham’s disasterous performance, the UK managed a good showing. 

Goodnight everyone. I’m off to soak my fingers in a bowl of ice. 

 

 

Last night, the great and good of television gathered on London’s South Bank for the BAFTA television awards. Presented by Graham Norton, viewing vigures have been reported to be down by 1.3m this year.

The winners are:

Best Actor

Stephen Dillane – The Shooting of Thomas Hurndall (C4) – WON
Jason Isaacs – The Curse of Steptoe (BBC Four)
Ken Stott – Hancock and Joan (BBC Four)
Ben Whishaw – Criminal Justice (BBC One)

Best Actress

June Brown – EastEnders (BBC One)
Anna Maxwell Martin – Poppy Shakespeare (C4) – WON
Maxine Peake – Hancock and Joan (BBC Four)
Andrea Riseborough – Margaret Thatcher: The Long Walk to Finchley (BBC Four)

Best Entertainment

Performance Stephen Fry – QI (BBC Two)
Harry Hill – Harry Hill’s TV Burp (ITV1) – WON
Anthony McPartlin & Declan Donnelly – I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! (ITV1)
Jonathan Ross – Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (BBC One)

Best Comedy Performance

Rob Brydon – Gavin & Stacey (BBC Three)
Sharon Horgan – Pulling (BBC Three)
David Mitchell – Peep Show (C4) – WON
Claire Skinner – Outnumbered (BBC One)

Best Single Drama

Einstein and Eddington (BBC Two/Company Pictures)
Hancock and Joan (BBC Four/World Productions)
The Shooting of Thomas Hurndall (C4/TalkbackTHAMES)
White Girl (BBC Two/Tiger Aspect Productions) – WON

Best Drama Series

Doctor Who (BBC One/BBC Productions)
Shameless (C4/Company Pictures)
Spooks (BBC One/Kudos Film and Television)
Wallander (BBC One/Left Bank Pictures) – WON

Best Drama Serial

Criminal Justice (BBC One/BBC Productions) – WON
Dead Set (C4/A Zeppotron Production)
The Devil’s Whore (C4/Company Pictures & Power)
House of Saddam (BBC Two/BBC Productions & HBO)

Best Continuing Drama

The Bill (ITV1/TalkbackTHAMES) – WON
Casualty (BBC One/BBC Productions)
EastEnders (BBC One/BBC Productions)
Emmerdale (ITV1/ITV Studios)

Best International

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (More4/MTV Networks)
Dexter (ITV1/John Goldwyn Productions)
Mad Men (BBC Four/AMC) – WON
The Wire (FX/Blown Down Productions/HBO/FX)

Best Factual Series

Amazon with Bruce Parry (BBC Two/Indus Films & Endeavour Productions) – WON
Blood Sweat and T-Shirts (BBC Three/Ricochet)
The Family (C4/Firefly Films)
Ross Kemp in Afghanistan (SKY1/Tiger Aspect )

Best Specialist Factual

Blood and Guts: A History of Surgery (BBC Four/BBC Productions)
Life in Cold Blood (BBC One/BBC Productions) – WON
Lost Land of the Jaguar (BBC One/BBC Productions)
Stephen Fry & the Gutenberg Press: The Machine That Made Us (BBC Four/Wavelength Films)

Best Single Documentary

A Boy Called Alex (C4/Walker George Films)
Chosen (True Stories) (C4/True Vision Productions) – WON
The Fallen (BBC Two/Minnow Films)
Thriller in Manila (More4/Darlow Smithson Productions)

Best Features

The Apprentice (BBC One/TalkbackTHAMES)
Celebrity MasterChef (BBC One/Shine Limited)
The Choir: Boys Don’t Sing (BBC Two/Twenty Twenty Television) – WON
Top Gear (BBC Two/BBC Productions)

Best Current Affairs

Saving Africa’s Witch Children (Dispatches) (C4/A Red Rebel Films and Oxford Scientific Films) – WON
Mum Loves Drugs, Not Me (Dispatches) (C4/True Vision Productions)
Omagh: What The Police Were Never Told (Panorama) (BBC One/BBC Productions)
Ross Kemp: A Kenya Special (SKY 1/Tiger Aspect Productions)

Best News

Coverage Channel 4 News (C4/ITN)
News At Ten – Chinese Earthquake (ITV1/ITN) – WON
Sky News – Canoe Man (Sky News/Sky News)
Sky News – Mumbai (Sky News/Sky News)

Best Sport

Cheltenham Gold Cup – Denman v Kauto Star (C4/Highflyer Digital)
ITV1 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix 2008 (ITV1/North One Television) – WON
Olympics 2008 (BBC One/BBC Sport)
Wimbledon 2008 – The Men’s Final (BBC One/BBC Sports )

Best Interactivity

Bryony Makes A Zombie Movie (BBC Three Online & TV/Hat Trick Productions)
Embarrassing Bodies Online (www.channel4.com/bodies/Maverick Television) – WON
Merlin (BBC One/BBC Productions) Olympics 2008 (BBC One/BBC Sport)

Best Entertainment Programme

Friday/Sunday Night Project (C4/Princess Productions)
Harry Hill’s TV Burp (ITV1/Avalon Television)
QI (BBC One/TalkbackTHAMES)
X Factor (ITV1/TalkbackTHAMES) – WON

Best Comedy Programme

Harry and Paul (BBC One/Tiger Aspect Productions) – WON
The Peter Serafinowicz Show (BBC Two/Objective Productions)
Star Stories (C4/Objective Productions)
That Mitchell and Webb Look (BBC Two/BBC Productions)

Best Situation Comedy

The Inbetweeners (E4/BWark Productions)
The IT Crowd (C4/Talkback Productions) – WON
Outnumbered (BBC One/Hat Trick Productions)
Peep Show (C4/Objective Productions)

Philips Audience Award

The Apprentice
Coronation Street
Outnumbered
Skins – WON
Wallander
X Factor

Special Award

Jane Tranter

Bafta Fellowship

Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders

Hello talent fans!

Last week 13.5 million people tuned in to watch Shaheen and Julian make it through to the next round of Britain’s Got Talent. Almost 100 million people have now watched Susan Boyle’s first audition video on YouTube. Susan has set another record too, as her Facebook fan page has become the fastest ever growing page for membership Facebook. 

Heeere we go…

This week, the talent is auditioning in London and Manchester, and Kelly Brook is joining the judging panel too.

We start in London. 

First to face the judges is 49-year-old nurse, Claire Morton. She has been a nurse for 30, years and she is happiest than when she is singing to her patients. 

“Sometimes a patient may ask you to sing to them, and I think this helps them be a little brighter and cheerful.” 

Claire hopes this is her opportunity to sing on the Royal Variety Show, and be top of the charts. 

Claire is singing Fame. The music starts. She’s dancing too. How can you not dance to Fame, though? Oh God, it’s terrible mum/aunt/grandma dancing. Well she looks like she is enjoying herself.

She’s lost herself in the rhythm so much, that she’s not singing it right. Not in time to the music. It’s not great. The audience love her, but they love anything at times. 

Amanda applauds Claire and tells her she has “amazing guts and determination to stand there”. I now wonder if Claire had a drink to loosen up before she performed? Or does she always dance and sing like that for her patients?

What will the judges think? Hmm.

The judges, they say NO NO NO.

Here now we see some uber-crap acts. Including some idiot who is singing with shopping trolleys. Sigh.

Next up is Alexandria Craig.

She acrobats in a large wheel. Kind of like a super-hamster I hope. Bloody hell, that’s good. She goes round and round. I’d throw-up doing that.

Piers has buzzed her quite quickly. That’s harsh! As if Piers could do that. And Simon has the same thought as he’s offered him £1000 if he can do that. HA. Piers is taking off his jacket and going on stage. He’s in the wheel, and he can’t do it. SUCKERED PIERS. HA! The girl is through. Too right.

Now in Manchester, and Kelly Brook is here to help Simon, Amanda and Piers. As we reported, she wasn’t involved in any further auditions, as Simon didn’t feel that it worked with four judges. We shall now see.

First in Manchester we have 10-year-old Hollie Steel from Accrington.

Hollie’s Mum and Dad both work for the NHS. Hollie’s dream of performing on stage is a million miles away from their normal life in Accrington, so say Ant or Dec. Could this be another rags to riches auditionee as we saw with George Sampson last year? He was at the Manchester auditions too.

She’s dressed in a sweet lilac tutu.

Awww, she’s doing a ballet dance to I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady. I love that film.

Simon doesn’t seem that bothered, and his hand is close to his buzzer. Hollie starts singing and Simon’s shocked.

The crowd are up!

Kelly looks like she’s going to cry.

Blimey, she’s like a tiny Julie Andrews. Yes, Audrey Hepburn was in My Fair Lady, but Julie Andrews did her singing vocals. I digress.

HOLLIE IS GREAT.

Good comments from Piers: “We have seen a lot of children on our show over the last three series, and I have never heard any of them sing as well as you do.”

Simon still isn’t sure about it, and he thinks she is like any other little girl in a ballerina outfit. He wasn’t crazy about the song. BUT! He thought she had a fantastic voice.

She’s totally through! YES X 4 = Hollie is IN!

Now we have 30-year-old Anthony Ghosh, also known as DJ Talent.

By night he trains hard to be a world class DJ, by day he works for his dad’s engineering firm. He’s showing Ant and Dec his bling. He has gold teeth, and he tells the judges that he spent £7000 on them. You could get them cheaper in Argos.

DJ Talent is going to perform a track that has a hook for the show. We’ll see.

He starts his stuff. The music plays, and he is standing there shouting. The audience seem to like it, as do Ant and Dec behind the scenes. Piers is dancing. So wrong.

FOUR BUZZES. He’s finished.

Mixed feelings from the juges. Simon thought it was “horrific” but catchy. He got YES from all the judges. HOW?!

Up next is 62-year-old retired swimming pool manager, Mike Henderson.

Mike explains his dangerous act to Ant and Dec: “I handstand on knives and I’ve got another knife inverted, pointing upwards towards the throat, if the buzzers goes at the wrong time I really could hurt myself.”

OUCH. I don’t like the sound of this.

Mike gets up in a handstand, balancing on the knives. His arms are wobbling, and he looks like he could fall.

Piers, the bloody idiot, buzzes, and AGHHHH! Mike has fallen onto a knife. Kelly screamed – as did I, it was bloody awful. Amanda’s disappeared. Simon’s shocked. Not sure if he’s hurt himself. He’s up! He has the knife in his mouth. 

I didn’t like watching that, and neither did Simon.

NO from Piers, Amanda and Simon, but a YES from Kelly. He’s going home.

After the agony of Mike’s performance, we have 46-year-old Daniel Kahn, also known as Tia Anna.

Daniel is an ex-fork lift truck driver turned drag act. He insists he is no ordinary song-miming drag act, as he actually sings live. Daniel has been practising non-stop, and he hopes to live up to other female impersonators who have appeared on the Royal Variety Show, including Dame Edna Everage and Lilly Savage.

Daniel says: “I have put in hours and hours of world for what will be just 3 or 4 minutes. Every hour is going to count.”

He is singing Mariah Carey’s Without You.

An instant BUZZ from Simon.

The audience soon make their feelings clear, and they don’t like it.

They’re chanting “OFF OFF OFF” at Tia.

BUZZ from Amanda. 

He’s still singing. Wailing. Oh this is awful. Yet the audience are now cheering. They are a fickle audience.

Simon gives Daniel “a resounding no”.

Piers seemed to like it as Kelly did. Amanda gives him a NO. THANK GOODNESS. Sense from Amanda. He’s off.

Back in London, and we have a dance act called Diversity.

Diversity are from London and Essex. They include three sets of brothers, and four friends.

When they’re not studying or working they dance together in their spare time.

Group leader, Ashley, who is a physics student, explains why he the lead dancer. “From the age of 14, I started to teach myself routines and since then I’ve taken on the role of choreographer.”

Diversity’s performance is electric. The audience are dancing along, all the judges look impressed. Heeeeee, the little kid with the cool hair did sumersaults! And someone just jumped out of a bag!

OH MY!

Piers describes their choreography as “inspired” and he thinks they are “right up there with the best of the dancers we have seen”. Great praise from Piers!

THEY’RE IN! YEAH! 

Well that’s it for tonight. Hell’s Kitchen next. Goodnight all, and see you next week.

20:55 In today’s episode the teams have to market cereal. That might seem like a simple task but after last week’s shockingly inept shenanigans with soap, I’d not be suprised if they tried to sell strychnine as a childhood food.

20:58 And while we’re all hoping bolshey Ben (who last week professed the desire to rip out his rivals teeth) will get the boot, I’ve got a feeling he might be sticking around for some time.

21:00 We’re off. The announcer’s doing his usual portentous voiceover – “Britain’s brightest business brains…” Yep, no wonder Alisdair Darling essentially announced the complete collapse of the British economy today if this lot are our brightest hopes.

21:03 Sir Alan announces the challenge from the screen of the IMAX – somehow, he still ends up looking a little bit two dimensional. Like I said – this week’s challenge is to create a brand identity for a new breakfast cereal.

21:05 There needs to be a cartoon character and a healthy message. Kimberley the marketing pro is project manager on Ignite. Philip has already told her that if she cocks up, he’s not taking the blame. Good to see he’s a team player.

21:07 Philip’s idea in the brain storm – “Has anyone done the Cereal Killer idea.” That’s the spirit link children’s food to brutal murder.

21:09 Meanwhile Kate (the Heather Mills look-alike) has  gone with James’s idea – a pirate parrot.

21:10 Philip is singing a theme song of his own composition – the gist of which is “Dance in your pants.” Lorraine quietly suggests it might be verging on the silly. Philip declares that if they won’t go with his idea of “Pants-man” he’ll throw his toys out of the pram.

21:11 Next door, the other team are getting obsessed with the accessories the Parrot needs. “We want crossed spoons”, Kate suggests. James is worried that it just looks like a bird dressed as a pirate. That’s because it is.

21:12 Meanwhile as Pantsman is being designed, Philip has shifted gear – straight out of passive agression and into all out tantrum throwing. It might be too early to tell but I have a feeling that the slightly pervy looking Pantsman has lost it for them already.

21:14 Elsewhere a jingle writer is being totally bamboozled by James’s vision for a sea shanty.

21:15 Philip is singing his song to his team’s composer while Lorraine looks on aghast. “I’m OK with it,” she says, “But you know, not overly OK.”

21:16 Howard, looking like a particularly pallid extra from Lost Boys, tries to mediate in the battle of half-wits going on between Philip and Lorraine. He fails spectacularly.

21:17 Kimberley has decided to let the graphic designer to get on with the box design essentially saying “Just stick a bowl and an alarm clock on it.”

21:19 The next morning, all is calm in the land of Kate and the Treasure Flakes. Their box looks good and includes information about what’s in the cereal. Meanwhile Pantsman is…pants. A terrible box which doesn’t tell you what’s in there.

21:20 On the search for costumes for Pantsman, Lorraine and Kimberley get told off by an old lady for messing about with knickers.

21:21 James in the recording studio helping to record their jingle: “I feel like Ringo Starr.” Then “I feel like a monkey learning how to use tools.” He may be over-estimating his abilities.

21:23 The cereal is full of fruit and nuts. The child actor hired by Kate’s team has a…nut allergy.

21:24 But that’s nowhere near as ridiculous as a) Nural looking like a complete nerk in the Pantsman suit – a child protection case waiting to happen and b) Philip tunelessy squalking out their jingle. The recording engineer has him sussed out “I think he may think he’s Bono.”

21:26 Kimberley (a grown woman) thinks Pantsman is hilarious. Meanwhile the rather more sophisticated pair of seven years olds they’ve selected to star in the ad are distinctly unimpressed.

21:27 Kate’s clearly made a mistake – ditching the professional singer’s jingle in favour of letting Ben do his Bono impression.

21:28 Mona and Kimberley are now battling over the presentation. It’s like kids trying to put together a school assembly. And Mona’s now nearly crying – that’s what big businesswomen do.

21:30 Now they’re pitching in front of ad execs. Debra’s up first with the pirate parrot and Treasure Flakes. The experts look fairly stoic at first but the ad got them smiling. Their feedback is not so positive though – the box crams in too many benefits. Kate then rather unwisely tells the panel they’re wrong.

21:33 Mona’s presentation sounds as if it’s just been translated into a foreign language and back again while the TV ad is getting more awkward laughs than a Curb Your Enthusiasm marathon. The fact that the box has no information on it isn’t going down well and now Philip is attacking the ad-men – not a good move. “We actually sell things,” says the main man, looking very unimpressed.

21:36 In the boardroom, Philip is explaining Pantsman “I was thinking out the box.” Meanwhile Lorraine brought up her idea of creating many characters. “That’s not what the brief said,” growls Sir Alan.

21:38 Sir Alan compliments Kimberley’s ad direction. Hmmm…

21:39 Sir Alan to Kate’s team: “So you’re all taking responsibility for the Parrot Pirate theme then?” Everyone nods. Might they regret that?

21:40 Yep, there’s the sucker punch: “In my discussions with the ad agency, they though the execution was weak,” mutters Sir Alan. Weaker than Pantsman?

21:41 Sir Alan is baffled by Kimberley’s team failing to get any information on their box. And… Kate’s team have won. In these credit crunched times it’s another really terrible treat for them – a session with a laughter guru. If they really want a laugh they should stick around for the boardroom showdown.

21:42 Long-faced Lorraine spends the first part of the boardroom moaning. She’s seems to be setting herself up for a fall.

21:43 “You Lorraine, were complaining before we even opened our mouths.” Sir Alan is not happy with her Eeyore-like outlook.

21:44 Philip is next in the firing line: “I didn’t come here to be a shrinking violet.” No, of course not, keep going for the Venus Fly Trap approach instead.

“There are places when you need to shut you mouth,” says Sir Alan, offering Philip one of his patented pearls of wisdom.

21:45 Kimberley’s going for the old “I’m not a creative” ploy. That doesn’t have a good track record.

21:46 “To use this idea to sell product was not funny but stupid…” says Sir Alan – speaking like he sees it.

Margaret is unpicking the idea of a superhero telling kids not to wear their pants on the outside of their clothes while he does. She does deliberately baffled brilliantly.

 

21:47 Kimberley aka The Marketeer suddenly claims she’s not happy in front of audiences while Mona’s car crash performance during the team’s presentation means she hasn’t showered herself in glory.

21:48 Lorraine has put herself at odds with the rest of the team. She’s clearly in need of a copy of How To Make Friends And Influence People.

21:49 Kimberley is bringing Philip and Lorraine back into the boardroom. Limp-old Lorraine looks set for the boot.

“They took logic and tortured it until it screamed, ” Nick’s spot on as usual.

 

21:50 “Lorraine, either you have superior intelligence or you’re just a bit of a whinger.” Sir Alan, the smart money’s on option B.

21:51 Philip and Kimberley are really putting the boot in to Lorraine. “I have always championed you,” says Kimberley.

“This is very romantic,” snarls Philip.

21:52 “When you soar like an eagle, you attract a hunter,” Sir Alan says staring Philip down and coming over all Eric Cantona (“When the seagulls follow ze trawler…”)

21:53 Philip now wants to seem Kimberley get canned. “You should be grateful for what I’ve done for you,” he says with that ego firing on full again.

Now Nick is defending him. “He can be a bit pushy some times but is that enough to bring him back in…” A bit pushy, that’s like saying the vikings were a little bit keen on pilaging.

21:54 Kimberley claims she edited all of the ad. “Are you on drugs?”, splutters Philip.

21:55 Lorraine has a face like a cake that’s been rained on. Kimberley has a marketing background and Sir Alan looks like he’s blaming her for that blahdy stupid idea. Philip on the other hand “made a mistake on pants.”

21:56 Lorraine stays to be a team leader another day.

21:57 “Kimberley, you remind me of the Wizard Of Oz. You look very impressive but behind the curtain there’s nothing…” Sir Alan’s script writers have been on good form this week.

21:58 Kimberley in the cab remains cocksure.

21:59 Back at the house just after the rest of the contestants have finished hoping that all three get fired, they greet fist-of-fury Phil and loopy Lorraine with the usual hugs and smiles.

Once again: the wrong candidate went.

Next week: selling antiques.

See you next time Sir Alan watchers.

Hey there BGT fans! Welcome to our live blog of show two of the new series of Britain’s Got Talent. Last week the opening show attracted 11.8 million viewers. Since the launch show, auditionee Susan Boyle has become a worldwide phenomenon, with over 22 million hits on YouTube.

Anyway, let’s see what gems and junk of auditions we’ll get tonight.

Heeere we go…

The auitions start off in Cardiff tonight, and first off to impress Simon, Amanda and Piers is a group: The Singing Souls. Three students, Louise, Tasha and Hannah, are friends from Wiltshire. They think they have the talent to be better than other girl groups.

“We’re going to show those judges what it takes to be better than the Pussycat Dolls and Sugababes” they say.

That’s quite a claim, so let’s see what they can do.

Yikes, Simon has called them The Singing Trolls. Lead singer Hannah isn’t happy and she’s threatened Simon. “Don’t make me come down there Simon!” They’ve started singing Taking Over Me by Everessence.

BUZZ.

BUZZ.

BUZZ.

Nope, they were no good. The girls are not happy though.

Simon says: “It’s one of the worst groups I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Hannah has told Simon to go up on the stage and sing, something you see a lot when someone rubbish gets rejected. They don’t know how to take it, and think it’s clever to ask Simon to sing. It’s not. He’s a judge and A&R exec, as any fool know.

Hannah has told the judges: “Bite Me!”

Oh give it up lass, you’re doing yourself no favours.

Obviously, they’re not through.

The auditions are now in Birmingham.

Next to try and impress the judges is Darth Jackson – aka Phillip – a 37-year-old Royal Mail employee.

Darth Jackson has arrived at the auditions in a full Darth Vader costume – as one would expect with that name – complete with light saber and full head mask, which apparently he never removes throughout the day. Wouldn’t that be sweaty and give you a rash?

Darth’s act is based on his favourite movie character and singing star.

“I think Darth Vader is the greatest cinema baddie ever! He’s just the epitome of cool.”

He tells Ant and Dec: “I’m going to go on that stage and use my raw talent to blow the minds off everyone.”

He’s on stage in full costume.

The Star Wars theme begins as he starts his act by turning on his voice effect box and striking up his light sabre. Oh this is frightening. No, not frightening, dull.

He’s told Ant and Dec to change the track. It’s Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. Oh look, he’s now moonwalking. Heh. Yeah. Meh,

Some people are easily pleased I think.

Simon didn’t like it. Piers did, surprisingly. Amanda liked it, and two beats one,  so he’s through.

Pah, what tosh.

After that, Simon is in a horrid mood.

Now we have 39-year-old Julian Smith,who has been playing the saxophone for 20 years.

“I’m married and I have two daughters, I know I’m not getting any younger and I want to make life better for them , I’m hoping today could change everything for me, I want it more than anything.” says Julian.

Julian starts playing Somewhere Somehow from West Side Story on his sax. The audience are silenced, as he’s rather good. Amanda’s tears switch has been activated, and she’s crying. I think he’s even getting through to Simon.

A great big finish from Julian, and the audience are on their feet. Amanda is still emotional. Pull yerself together, lass.

Piers has been “blown away by it” and Simon thinks Julian is a huge talent who needs a break in his career. He likes his choice of tune, and thinks there could be something “special” about him.

HE’S THROUGH! And the tears flow, even from my stone cold heart. He is a lovely guy. This is stuff inspirational movies are made of.

Next up is 43-year-old ex bus driver Louise Moores with her 2 ½ yr old African Grey Parrot called Harry.

“I’m 43 today, and this is Harry. He does a performance of singing and dancing.”

“He’s the best friend that I’ve ever had, he means such a lot to me. He’s one of the most talkative birds, you can have an actual conversation with an African Grey,” says Louise. I’d like to try and have a conversation with him.

On stage, Louise introduces “Happy Harry” to the audience. Simon asks if she has had Harry since he was an egg.

Louise says that Harry will copy her singing. The music has started, and they’re playing Take on Me by A-Ha.

She’s started singing before the singing is supposed to begin. The bird ain’t doing owt. It’s painful. The audience are shouting OFF OFF OFF.

The pressure might have been too much for Harry?

They’re off home.

More rubbish animal acts follow.

Now we have 48-year-old Peter Coghlan, from Stafford.

He’s been performing in working men’s clubs all his life, and now he wants to move onto bigger things.

“I’m not just doing it for myself, I’m doing it for my family. I’ve been married for 21 years with two little boys, I’m a family man, this is a big thing for me.”

Peter walks onto the stage dressed in a large fur coat. He says his stage name is Mama Trish. Oookay.

Simon asks Peter what he does for living, and Peter tells him that he’s a self employed entertainer, who has been doing his drag queen act for 26 years.

Simon asks Peter if he’s married, and Peter responds to Simon saying: “we can all be camp Simon!”

“Touché!” laughs Ant in the wings, and Simon takes it in good sport.

Peter has known his wife for 36 years and they have been married for 21 years.

Holly Vallance’s Kiss Kiss starts playing, Peter opens his fur coat, revealing his Mama Trish gettup. He’s bellydancing, and with a wobbly gut like his, it is rather hypnotic. GROSS, but hypnotic. He’s sticking his finger into his bellybutton and licking his finger. NO PETER/MAMA TRISH/WHATEVER. Eugh. This is vile. I just ate bacon for goodness sake.

Simon thinks it was the “lowest form of entertainment” he has ever seen.

Amanda says she would like to see more of it. Oh no. Piers kind of likes him too.

Nooo, he’s through. GAH.

Back in Cardiff now, and we have little Shaheen. “I turned 12 years old last week and I live in Swansea with my mum and cat.” Aww.

Shaheen is here with his single mum – and biggest fan – Karen.

He’s singing Valerie by Amy Winehouse.

“It’s one of my favourite songs to sing. I sing it at family occasions, and my Grandad really loves it.” Aww bless his face. He’ll be melting the hearts of mothers watching this.

Shaheen is on stage and singing. The audience like him, but Simon has stopped him.

He’s asked Shaheen what else he can sing.

He’s going to try Who’s Loving You by Michael Jackson.

Simon stopping him has made Shaheen a bit nervous I think.

Shaheen is now singing Who’s Loving You, and the audience are stood up cheering. Simon’s enjoying it, and Amanda and Piers look happy too. BLOODY HELL, he’s great. Awww he reminds me of a little Jimmy Osmond or a little Michael Jackson.

Simon thinks this may be the start of something special for Shaheen. Amanda has goosebumps.

He’s bound to get through right? Of course he is!

YES from all the judges. He seems like a nice little boy too.

Well what a lovely way to end the show tonight. See you next week, everyone.

Hell’s Kitchen is on next. Marco Pierre White will probably shout or something.

Goodnight all.

After last week’s fitness fiasco – the porta-potty style Body Rocker vs the seventies style Bingo Buster (pretty much just a wooden box with bits nailed onto it), this week’s challenge is all about creating a new health product. Perhaps the team should try and create a cream to make Sir Alan’s face look a little less like a slapped arse. 

21:05 Sir Alan get the teams lined up at Kew Gardens. He’s mixing up the teams – that pretty much guarantees friction. 

21:07 Paula, team leader of Empire, says she’s really pleased with her team with a look on her face that says “Oh, christ what have I got left with.” 

21:08 Essex-estate-agent-super-geezer Phil has just confessed a secret love for cosmetics while on the other team Ben has revealed he doens’t wear soap. 

21:09 The team’s innovations so far – soap or shower gel. Yasmina: “Anything to do with the ocean is fresh, isn’t it?” She’s obviously never gone swimming on a British beach. 

21:11 Half of Paula’s team are out in Poole harbour about to pick seaweed. The other team have opted for honey as their natural ingredient. Too early to predict a sticky situation? 

21:13 Yasmina, no fan of bees is…one of the three candidates sent to get suited up and nick honey from hives.

21:14 Meanwhile the other team are after seaweed. James is, true to type, moaning: “I’m knee deep in crab shit.” You suspect the crabs aren’t pleased to see him either. 

21:15 Paula and Yasmina get confused between Sandlewood and Cedarwood. Cedarwood – dirt cheap. Sandlewood (according to the perfume expert) is the most expensive oil of the lot. What’s more they can’t read the recipe right. You’d think Sir Alan might want people that can do a bit of basic maths.

21:17 450g is going into the mix – nearly £600 worth. The team is oblivious. 

21:19 Genial geordie Phil is getting fractious with Kimberley, the irritating American, who he’s decided is “as dumb as a door knob”. The label design process is far from smooth. And the team haven’t got a batch number, which is vital. 

21:20 Lorraine brands Phil “a dickhead”, for once she’s in tune with what everyone else is thinking. 

21:21 Nick lets Paula’s team know that they’ve completely messed up their figures and their fragrance is going to have to sell for a fortune to make a profit. Paula immediately blames the rest of the team. 

21:23 The next morning – Paula’s trying to be positive…”We’ll just to have to go in high.” Meanwhile the other team’s honey packed soap falls appart when you add water. That’s a pretty big failure for a washing product. 

21:25 Empire are trying to sell their fragrant products next to a van selling German sausages. The other team are attempting to flog their wares dressed in beekeeper outfits. It looks like an outtake from a low-rent version of Outbreak. 

21:29 Nural can’t sell anything. While Ben, Debra and Kimbeley are trying to thust their seaweed soap at commuters outside a Tube station. Way to pick a pitch. 

21:30 Empire have been shifing the Sandlewood soap, so they’ve now decided to stick their prices up. “Shall we stick on an extra 50p” Paula wonders. 

21:31 Beekeepers outfits outside a tube station? How long before the police rapid response unit arrives? 

21:32 Meanwhile, Nural’s team are slashing prices on the disintergrating honey soap and the man himself is stuck in traffic. 

21:34 Empire have sold the rest of their stock to a dealer for £400 but will that be enough to make up for the super-expensive Sandlewood?

21:35 Nural’s team are desperate. “Two for one pound.” They’re effectively giving their stock away. 

21:36 Time to see Sir Alan. Nural’s team sold their stock for barely anything but will Paula’s team’s costly mistake with the Sandlewood be their downfall? 

21:37 “Nural, good team leader?”, ask Sir Alan. They team say yes. Margaret says no. Now Sir Alan’s looking at the soap. “I think the centrepiece of the soap is very liquidy,” Nural claims. 

21:38 “Sounds like you were making a bloody cocktail”, Sir Alan mutters after Nural’s talk of honey and coconut. 

21:39 Ben begins a waffling attack on Paula. “I didn’t want the blahdy Magna Carta.” Sir Alan is not happy. 

21:40 The Sandlewood knackered Paula’s team. Nick really puts the knife in. “If Paula and Yasmina hadn’t confused Sandlewood with Cedarwood, you would have won.” Sir Alan looks like an weary walnut. 

21:41 Nural’s team are sent off for sushi and saki. A win but no thanks to Nural. Phillip delivers the inevitable “who’s Sir Alan going to saki?” pun. 

21:42 Paula gets ready to blame Ben for the costing cock-up. “I’m furious. I’m going to rip her to shreds,” he says charmingly. 

21:44 Sir Alan’s praising the product but…where were the profits? Paula admits she didn’t know how much the fragrances cost while Ben sits at the end drinking his water and mumbling. 

21:45 Ben focusing on patronising Paula in his attempt to avoid the fire. Nick notes that Ben was only a few metres away, “not in bloody Scotland” adds Sir Alan. 

21:46 Yasmina – “Cedarwood and Sandlewood sounded the same.” 

21:47 Sir Alan’s on about how good the product and design are again. Paula’s taking the credit. Ben wants to take credit for the design and marketing. 

21:48 “Is there anything you didn’t do?” asks Sir Alan turning his ire on “brilliant” Ben. He and Yasmina are coming back in the boardroom with Paula. 

21:49 “Made soap. I would hang on to some. Because if you think you’re sweating now, you soon will be.” Whoever’s writing Sir Alan’s quips needs to up their game. 

21:50 Sir Alan not impressed that Paula’s using her HR background to weasel out of responsibility for dealing with the costings. Lesson: never try and look for sympathy if you work in HR. 

21:51 Ben is getting bolshey. His plan is obviously to just attack, attack, attack. Let’s hope Sir Alan sees through it. Paula certainly thinks Ben should be fired. 

21:52 “The girls admitted I was brilliant at selling.” says Mr Modest. 

21:53 Scenting blood, Ben and Yasmina both turn on Paula. “You’ve shown yourself to be a bit of a thug Ben,” says Paula showing a perceptiveness that was lacking earlier in the episode. 

21:54 “Never mind making soap, this sounds like a blahdy soap opera.” Sir Alan’s quips are back on track. 

21:55 Sir Alan sums up and Paula gets fired. She made a great product and she went. Seriously unfair. Ben’s on thin ice though (“Either you alienate people or you’re no blahdy good.”) and Yasmina will be a project manager again soon. 

21:57 Bully-boy Ben is turning out to be the villain of the series. He’ll stay because he’s entertaining. 

Next time: create a healthy cereal for kids. They’ll probably end up putting crushed glass in it. 

Night folks. 

 

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