Throng

What kind of idiot invites Michael Winner round their house?

Even Michael Winner doesn't invite himself round his house for summat to eat. He's clearly so low on friends that he's needing to participate in Michael Winner's Dining Stars (ITV1, Friday, 9pm)

One thing is guaranteed - he won't keep any of these new prole friends for very long as he's guaranteed to be an obnoxious tit the first chance he gets, willing to pass it all off as high-jinkery with a translucent wink of his ageing eye-lid.

Of course, there's only ITV daft enough to commission this show.

There's only Five or BBC Three I could imagine taking him on... and in the case of the latter, he's not a former member of Atomic Kitten, so he's out of the race.

Paul O'Grady's Channel 4 chatshow was pure trash. However, it was very enjoyable trash. It was perfect just-finished-work viewing. Overly sentimental, camp and self effacing. It's exactly the kind of tonic you need after a crap day of work.

However, O'Grady left the show and subsequently, left a big hole in the listings. This has seen something of a TV scrum to land the job of hosting a chat-show around the same time.

Reports suggest that Davina McCall and Vernon Kay are heading up the battle. According to The Mirror, both presenters have been lined up for 'live auditions' along with Phil Spencer and Kirstie Allsopp.

Apparently, around ten stars have been approached by bosses to host the show one week at a time. Whoever appeals the most will then go on to become a permanent replacement for O'Grady.

Iiiiin the red coooorner, Goooordon'The Cyclops' Broooown! And in the blue coooorneeer, David 'Pillow Face' Cameron! And in the yellow coooorneeer... that bloke... uh... Nick Clogs or something.

Yep. British politics is slowly coming to the realisation that we, the British public, are far more interested in American politics because it's more fun to watch.

The Obama/McCain throwdown was one of the most captivating and brilliantly crass TV series ever. The way Joe The Plumber was dragged into it... then dragged over hot coals... the squaring off, the high production values... it had everything.

Channel 4's Wife Swap is about to throw its last hissy fit ever. The trailer for the last-ever programme plays stirring music and proclaims that this is the end of an era.

Really?

The show has been aired for 6 years and in that time, there's been some staggeringly crass broadcasts.

One of the first stars of the show was the walking urinal-cake that was Lizzy Bardsley. Remember her? She thrilled TV viewers by claiming £37,500 a year in benefits and using language that would make a chair cry.

Thanks to Wife Swap, the nation got to see Lizzie showing her mammaries in The Sunday Sport. So yeah, the beginning of an era of golden television.

The brilliant readers of TV Throng predicted that Joe would win The X Factor. If I remember rightly, over a quarter of you said as much.

Personally, I was convinced that Olly was going to nick it at the death, but mercifully, I was wrong. Alas, last night's finale didn't really mean much away from the televisual spectacular. As is de rigueur, both Olly and Joe will get at least a 12 month career out of this.

So after the immediate Christmas Number One battle (which is being hotly contested by Rage Against The Machine's limp wristed broadside 'Killing In The Name' thanks to a Facebook campaign), what happens next for our final two?

Week 2087 of The X Factor has just rolled by and once again, we're faced with the question: Who will win The X Factor 2009?

Of course, the answer - as ever - is Simon Cowell. He always wins. He's like a casino who reaps up all those failed gambles from bored travelling salesmen looking for a bit of thrill and glamour in between glasses of mid-priced whisky and thoughts on pawning that yellowy-gold bracelet for one more throw of the dice.

We're all that bored business man.

I asked if reality TV was rigged (here), thanks to some folks moaning about Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor.

Now, we've got the same question for I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

You see, Joe Bugner seems to think so... with his weird ape-paw head.  He's suggested that the reality show is fixed by producers.

The former boxer told The Sun that ITV rigged his exit to allow Stuart Manning (Russ from Hollyoaks) and Sabrina Washington (Her from that pop band) to continue their playground flirting.

The boring news from the world of media is that ITV have bought the rights to GMTV. Really, there's only a trace amount of people who watch television who like to keep up with the movers and shakers behind the scene. For the most part, we like nothing more than to sit down and watch stuff - to hell with whoever the commissioner is or damn the eyes of the director.

Generally, we just don't care.

However, in the case of GMTV, changes behind the scenes could mean one of two things happening.

The first is that it could get an editorial overhaul. This means that ITV could well look to something a little more stern and meaty first thing in the morning. Effectively, they've looked at BBC Breakfast and thought 'Hang on! We're like Cuddles and Orville compared to those guys!'

Last night, The X Factor got rid of John and Edward, or, as they've become known, Jedward. Such has been the interest around the pair that we all saw fit to give them their own brand name like they were a franchise of some sort. Like mass produced sausages or cat food.

With a surprising bottom-two of Jedders and Olly (I say surprising because marble brains no-mark Lloyd still continues to be something that is merely a thing to occupy a pair of trousers), there was only going to be one winner.

Jedward could've comfortably seen off anyone in the competition, save for Olly or Stacey. The Jedward steamroller could've - bafflingly - made the final three.

However, it was not to be.

There's two news stories knocking around at the moment and I can't tell whether it rings true or whether it tastes like sour grapes.

Basically, the kicker is, Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor have both been accused of being a fix.

Joe Calzaghe has claimed that Strictly Come Dancing is "a fix" after he got the chop on the show. He told the Daily Mail that producers forced his exit because of an insult he directed at rival dancer Craig Kelly.

Calzaghe said: "Don't you think it's odd we went out when we were in the bottom for four weeks and the public kept voting for us? We had the highest votes every week, the producers told us. Then all of a sudden we lost out in the judges' vote. Something was up."

Channel 4 kicked off their 3D Week last night with a couple of shows... one called The Queen in 3D, the other called Derren Brown Presents: The 3D Magic Spectacular.

The last time I recall being this exciteable about 3DTV was sometime in the '80s when, if I remember rightly (which it's fair to assume I don't), Tomorrow's World had a feature, which saw me giddily throwing on my 3D spectacles and thrilling at the way some rubber bat flew 'out' of the screen.

So last night, I sat down, ready to be amazed... with a pinch of trepidation in case it all went tits up.

Tonight, Channel 4 goes 3D. Have you got your special 3D glasses yet? Y'see, if you already own a pair, they probably won't work as the ones you'll need tonight have a dark blue lens and an amber one. The ol' red and cyan pairs will fail. I've tried 'em. They're no good to you.

So, if you're passing a Sainsbury's on your lunchbreak today, pop in and get yourself a pair.

Why? Well, tonight you'll be able to see some old footage of The Queen in 3D. The images will come from 1953 when young cameramen, Bob Angell and Arthur Wooster shot some stereoscopic movies.

For those who aren't to thrilled at the prospect of some royal action, there's also a Derren Brown show to sink your eyes into.

I'm not one for randomly slagging off The X Factor. It almost seems pointless. Every time you kick it, it comes back bigger and stronger. As such, I've chosen to give in to it and join in the mentalist fun.

As something of a music snob/idiot, I've bemoaned the impact it makes on the world of music in the past... however... X Factor is to music what pro wrestling is to sport.

However.

This weekend, we saw the unveiling of the ubiquitous X Factor Charity Single. Of course, this means a whole team of singers getting together to wear white and croon an insipid ballad. You may sneer, but it's a surefire way to tug a heart string and get a decent chart placing. I mean, doing an uptempo crunk version of Crocodile Rock wouldn't be in great taste would it?

Fancy a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the 2010 Heineken Cup Final? FedEx are offering one lucky fan the chance to deliver the cup to the winning team as part of a fantastic VIP package.  If you love your rugby, watch the video below for more information.

Tuning in for Nevermind The Buzzcocks (BBC Two) has filled me with trepidation of late. Since the departure of Simon Amstell and Bill Bailey, it certainly seemed like the show was doomed. However, it survived the departure of Mark Lamarr... so maybe, like Have I Got News For You?, the show is bigger than any one person... right?

Recent shows have felt very hit-and-miss and it seems like a long time since I heartily snorted over the show... however... last night gave me some hope as ...Buzzcocks hit vintage stride with a decent mix of guest and weirdly, the presenter.

When I discovered that Claudia Winkelman was heading up the show, my heart sank. However, on the strength of last night's show, I could easily buy into her becoming the permanent resident of the host's chair.