10 Years Younger: Bus Pass Challenge

Yeah! Old people are dicks aren’t they? They’ve got faces like popped balloons… they stop suddenly whilst walking in front of you… they smell like musty urine and as such, should be treated with complete contempt – right?

They walk around in rubbish clothes, which invariably hide bodies that look like they need an iron running over them… they’ve just given up on life and between pots of tea and Saga cruises, they’re just waiting to die in their many afternoon naps.

We should be allowed to torture them or something.

Okay, if you read that and thought “Hang on! Old people are ace! Stop being so nasty you idiot!”, then well done*. You’re clearly not someone who worked on 10 Years Younger: Bus Pass Challenge (Channel 4).

I’ve always had a problem with 10 Years Younger. Effectively, it’s a TV programme that breaks your spirit, then your nose with surgical precision. In the past, we’ve had Nicky Hambleton Jones heading up the show who is, in fairness, completely ageless. However, this is not because she’s stylish or good looking… it’s because she’s completely featureless. She’s got a face like the smoothed corner of an iPod.

Her cold Aryan stare would reduce people to blubbing wrecks and she’d clearly thrill when poor participants were forced to watch a video that saw Britain’s idiot-quarter point, laugh and thicky-guess an age wrong. People in their forties broke down as teenagers said “She One Hundrid Year Old Or Sumfing“.

When the human spirit was finally kicked unconscious, drowing in a pool of its own tears, the contestant on the show was finally ready to go along with the most humiliating of procedures… that of course being homogenization.

Of course, cuddly-wuddly Channel 4 couldn’t keep justifying the cruelty to themselves and as such, got shot of Beaut-O-Bot 2700 (NHJ Model) and replaced it with Beaut-O-Bot 3020 (MK Model).

By which, I mean, Hambleton-Jones was sacked for the younger, squishier Myleene Klass who has the advantage of real working tears and a face that can ‘do’ empathy. However, it’s all just a veneer because Klass was sent to break the news to two lovely pensioners that they’d let themselves go and perhaps they might like to spend their scant pensions on pointless beauty products as opposed to, like, heating or food.

One of the ladies… a real sweetie-pie… was given some kind of laser treatment. Now, if the thought of lasering someone’s nana’s face isn’t enough to make you question where mankind has evolved to, then check this: The screen cheerily informs us that it costs £995 per session. Only a complete nincombpoomp would ask a pensioner to cough that up so they can look marginally more like a plumped cushion.

Anyway, the assembled idiots gathered round and prodded and poked until both ladies looked… well… exactly the same as each other. They cheered at their makeover (like anyone would really) and were provoked into saying that their lives had changed. TV needs people to say that you see. Really, what they should’ve said was: “Has my life changed? No silly! It’s my hair that has changed!”

All in all, despite this new cutesy front, 10 Years Younger is still one of the most vapid programmes to ever be broadcast and the sooner it goes away, the better.

*If you read that and thought ‘Here we go… yet another pithy rant that we’ve heard a million times before’, then sorry. Have a refund.

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