Celebrity Big Brother

12:10pm Thursday, January 7 on E4

Highlights from the past 24 hours in the house.

12:10pm Wednesday, January 6 on E4

Highlights from the past 24 hours in the house.

11:10pm Tuesday, January 5 on E4

As Celebrity Big Brother returns to Channel 4 and a new bunch of celebrity housemates prepare to sleep, eat and wash their smalls under Big Brother’s watchful eye, ex-housemates, celebrities and journalists celebrate and talk frankly about the past five series of Celebrity Big Brother .

12:10pm Tuesday, January 5 on E4

Highlights from the past 24 hours in the house

 

As a TV critic, it’d be trite of me not to cover Celebrity Big Brother (Channel 4). Whether we like it or not, any Big Brother is a big ol’ televisual event. It basically gives the British TV viewing public the chance to either become obsessed with some people to an unhealthy degree, or, in most cases, gives you the chance to unload all your hate at the screen.

This year’s CBB has the theme of Hell. It’s all fire and brimstone, with added merry-go-round crap. It’s like Carry On… Silent Hill. Faux twisted with big knockers and doubles entendres.

With that in mind, Davina McCall (who is, for the record, a lovely person when you think about it) decided to host the launch show of CBB7 in a gorilla outfit. However, instead of yelling at the people banging on the glass, she laughed and chirruped her way through each link with a knowing wink that said “Listen, I don’t know why you take this all so very seriously… because I don’t.” Simian suit aside, Davina 1, General Public 0.

Of course, all this is a side-dish to the morons entering the house… and boy oh boy, what a line up we had last night!

There were few real talking points in the scheme of things. Sisqo (that bloke who sang “Thong Tha-Thong Thong Thong”), Nicola T (gets her baps out and has ribs like a cattle grid), Ekaterina Ivanova (had sex with Ronnie Wood), Stephanie Beacham (actress), Basshunter (kiddie rave specialist and sex tape man), Lady Sovereign (BB6’s Science with a vagina) and lumpen hacker Vinnie Jones all went into the house and left many with almost nothing to say.

Initially, the biggest cause for cooing came from the entrance of Alex Reid and Dane Bowels. They’ve both notoriously have their helmets buffed by Jordan/Katie Price and, as such, if you believe tabloid rags, got into a bit of a scrap over it last week. Amusingly enough, Dane Bowels was sporting a cracking bruise above his eye, bodged over with make-up by the Channel 4 folk.

Naturally, they both dribbled “Aw! There’s been no fight! What fight?” Stupidly, if these people want to turn the jeers into boos, then really, they need to knock seven shades of faecal matter out of each other in the house so we can all throw peanuts and hoot with blood-lust until one, or both of them, dies. Big Brother has always threatened to show a death and 2010 is clearly the year to do it. The alternative is Dane Bowels sticking his toe up the Reidernator’s backside and if anyone wants to see that, they should be flogged with bike-chains in a public square.

However, on the sneak, the best bit of the show concerned Heidi Fleiss and Stephen Baldwin. Now, you may not know them… so let me briefly fill you in. Fleiss was a very famous Hollywood madam who sorted out the A-List with a string of prostitutes for years. Stephen Baldwin is the least famous of the famous Baldwin brothers.

Baldwin is an evangelical, right wing American dipshit who promises to represent “the light of truth” on the show. I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s got a lovely, reasoned and authoratitive voice, but to me, it sounds more like the kind of voice you hear just before someone drags you into a dark corner with some piano wire around your neck and an erection forced into the small of your back.

That probably says more about me than him though.

Anyway, it’s clear that Who? Baldwin has been hired to be the melted face of unreason. So what’s the story? Well, Fleiss (remember? Famous purveyor of poshtitutes to Hollywood) entered the Big Brother house and said: “Oh! I know you!” at Baldwin, which could make for some startling and toe-curling accusations from both camps throughout what is invariably destined to be a dreadful last run of Celebrity Big Brother.

All in all, the show limped across the horizon surrounded by shirtless men holding torches like they were either extras from arcade game Pitfighter, or hired hands from the set of some cheap film set in Hades. The people starring are a mixture of confusery and sex tapes and will no doubt fail to capture our attentions, just like the last few series of Big Brother.

I, of course, will watch as much of it as I can, so you don’t have to. Hello. My name’s Mof Gimmers and I’m a glutton for punishment.

12:15pm Monday, January 4 on E4

Another chance to see last night’s launch show as a select group of the notable and notorious enter Britain’s most famous TV house for the very first time.

9:00pm Sunday, January 3 on C4

Davina McCall returns to present the launch show of Celebrity Big Brother as a select group of the notable and notorious enter Britain’s most famous TV house for the very first time. Tonight viewers will discover which celebrities will become housemates as well as watching their first moments together as they embark on what could be the most unpredictable and unforgettable few weeks of their lives.

11:10pm Saturday, January 2 on E4

As the countdown to Channel 4’s final series of Celebrity Big Brother begins in earnest Your Top 20 Celebrity Big Brother Moments takes a look back at the most memorable, hysterical and cringe-worthy moments from the past six series as ranked by the viewers themselves.

12:15am Saturday, January 2 on E4

As Celebrity Big Brother returns to Channel 4 and a new bunch of celebrity housemates prepare to sleep, eat and wash their smalls under Big Brother’s watchful eye, ex-housemates, celebrities and journalists celebrate and talk frankly about the past five series of Celebrity Big Brother .

Thursday, December 31 on 4

As the countdown to Channel 4’s final series of Celebrity Big Brother begins in earnest Your Top 20 Celebrity Big Brother Moments takes a look back at the most memorable, controversial, hysterical and cringe-worthy moments from the past six series as ranked by the viewers. This show also features interviews with former CBB Housemates including Pete Burns, John McCririck, Vanessa Feltz, Maggot, Kenzie, Terry Christian, Lucy Pinder and Jodie Marsh.

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