Fearne and Peaches Geldof

The prospect of following Fearne Cotton and Peaches Geldof around is enough to make any sane human want to end their life in the most painful way possible. Tuning into Fearne And… Peaches Geldof (ITV2) last night, I dreamed of slowly sliding into a tree-shredder and spelling out WHAT IS THE POINT? in my own innards on a wall.

You see, Fearne Cotton is a monumentally pointless TV entity. She is lacking in the most basic of human charisma. She’s a hallowed out husk that inexplicably continues to get work from mediafolk, despite the fact that, in all my years on Earth (which is about 100 if you’re wondering) I’ve never met a human who sails even close to liking her.

Yet, unfathomably, ITV has unearthed Peaches Geldof who makes Cotton look as complex as The Prince of Denmark.

So dreadful is Peaches that it’s easy to convince yourself that this show isn’t a look at celebrity, like it sets itself up as, but rather, a PR drive to make people like Fearne Cotton more. Next week, she’ll be following Robert Mugabe around as he kills paupers and goes to Savile Row to get yet another suit fitted that has his face all over it.

Possibly.

Anyway, getting these two gargantuan non-entities together is a magnificent feat. No other other humans could make so little happen in 46 minutes. At one point, Fearne cooed “SHE DOES WORK!” after seeing Peaches walk around New York and talk to some humans about jeans. And very little else.

The remainder of the show was Fearne gangling around whilst Peaches flitted between disinterested and trying far too hard to look like a woman of substance. Effectively, this meant shrugging a lot and saying “I totally read books and stuff” and “I want to talk about the Large Hadron Collider.”

Concerning the latter, the show was an anti-large hadron collider experiment. It managed to send two bodies lacking in any sort of energy or mass around in circles to create something so dense that any illumination bent away from it.

And there’s me, thinking that the Piers Morgan interviews were pointless…

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