Ghosthunting with The Happy Mondays

Here are a bunch of words I never thought I’d type together without making them up. Ghosthunting with The Happy Mondays.

Now, read that back. That is grade A, Alan Partridge ‘Monkey Tennis’. It’s one of the most baffling ideas ever put forward for a show. It’s as nonsensical as Kissing The IRA With Big Ian Paisley or Extreme Bear Wrestling With Zombie Thora Hird.

Yet, I can categorically state that Ghosthunting with The Happy Mondays did happen… it was most definitely aired and to be honest, I’m still staggering around like I’m drunk after seeing it.

Of course, this show is absolutely dreadful. Yvette Fielding is a former Blue Peter presenter for a start and thereby, about as frightening as three bluebirds tying ribbons round a kitten’s paw. In this show, she peddles the myth that she’s in touch with ghosts who tend to communicate solely via knocks.

Or, as they’re known round my way, blokes in another room thumping a wall.

Naturally, this is all cut with Shaun Ryder and Bez taking the urine throughout, with Ryder (and his insane new teeth) quipping early on; “If I can turn myself, with my own imagination, into a popstar… I can manifest a f**king ghost”

The whole thing pans out with a mixture of flatulence, bottles of brandy, cussing and grainy Paris Hilton skinny-flick nightvision, leaving the whole thing feeling like a rather silly ghostwalk at Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

Whilst That Bloke Who Does Pointless Psychological Profiling On Big Brother sat in a taxi outside and spouted woolly nothings about the whole thing, Yvette Fielding traded in being the strict schoolmistress, hollering “SHUT IT!” at the noisy Mondays and barking “get yer trolleys down!” to Ryder who claimed to have been “f**king stabbed” by a ghost.

The whole thing would have been Amazingly Bad But Weirdly Fun if it hadn’t gone on for an hour and a half. As a joke show, designed to be simple, dumb funtimes, it would have been great at 30 minutes… but seriously, it felt like it was on forever and it didn’t get scarier or weirder as it progressed. I’m imagining some of the horrors the band might have seen on acid or coming off crack in the past… I’m imagining Yvette Fielding didn’t appear in any nightmarish visions.

At any rate, this show feels like one that will be talked about for some time to come and will no doubt be the star of future clip shows with people like Mark Dolan pretending he remembers it and sniggering at Shaun’s jerk of fright when something banged in the dark.

Next week, Brian Wilson is made to relive his two strokes as he’s forced to sit in the dark with Dave Benson Phillips for a week…

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