Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay returns to our screens tonight with his big, rubbery, gnarled face. Out of his face will tumble a volley of expletives and his infamous tics…

“Uh?” “Big boy!” “Yes chef?” “Uh” “Big boy!” “Uh?” *hand slap* “Uh?” *throat slitting movement* “Uh?”

Yes. Chef.

See, Gordon Ramsay was once the king of TV cookwits. However, over the past year or so, he’s turned into something of a parody of himself. We don’t need Spitting Image anymore because our celebrities send themselves up better than anyone else!

Like swearwords become translucent and meaningless the more you use them, so too does Gordon Ramsay. It seems like it’s been too long since we’ve seen him reviving the fortunes of an ailing business, by which I mean, it’s been too long since we saw those brief glimpses of humanity that made us all endure the potty mouthery.

Now, he’s just static. Tonight, we know exactly what we’ll be getting in the new series of The F Word. Janet Street Porter will appear to harangue Ramsay and various animals, he’ll be extolling the virtues of local food and people will turn up for a fun TV show only to be treated like they’re in boot-camp and that Ramsay’s reputation is on the line… or something.

This morning, it was reported that Ramsay will be co-producer on a US remake of Masterchef. This invariably means that UKTV will snap it up and repeat it endlessly, making our TV set virtually full to bursting with his craggy ol’ jowls.

Craggy jowls that have been botoxed, leaving our Gordie an elbow faced ghoul, ranting and twitching at our screens in the hope we won’t mention all that (alleged) affair and slagging off that woman in Australia.

See, food on TV felt fresh once, and while there are still shows that are worth tuning in for, the whole thing feels bloated and forced now. C’mon TV… I’m getting cathode gout here… and Gordon Ramsay is as rich as they come.

  • BBC One
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  • Sky1