Heston’s Medieval Feast

Like last week, the real treat of this show was watching Heston’s creative process. Just how do you create ‘four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie’? Well, for a start, you can’t. Blackbirds are protected. So Heston went for pigeon, another much chomped bird of yore. Okay, pigeon replaced blackbird, what’s so creative about that? Well, Heston didn’t merely make pies… but made a 4ft wide centrepiece pie which, when opened, released the birds. One of which shat on one of the guest’s head. Brilliant.

Of course, that’s small fry for Heston. The real amazement came with dessert. The guests were faced with a pudding sitting of edible candles, cutlery and even napkins! The only problem with that was this seemed to be discovered when someone tried wiping some food off their face and, well, made more of a mess.

Again though, the main drawback of the show was the guests. Apart from Germaine Greer and That One Out Of Atomic Kitten Who Won Celebrity Masterchef, they were all a bit wet. Germaine gleefully chomped on a bull’s bollock and Atomic Kitten Girl happily ate a spine. Craig Revel Horwood was so mardy that anything remotely weird completely switched him off…. “OOoooooooOOOOh! I liked it until I found that out!” and the like. Pointless idiot.

Still, if you can sidestep all the guffawing of the assembled fools around the table, you’ve got a really interesting show here that’s actually a whole heap of fun to watch. Heston’s an engaging bloke in a kinda nerdy way and what he creates is always a million times more interesting than any other cookery show… shame we’ll never get the chance to try it all out.

Tuesday 10 March 9:00pm on C4

This four-part series follows renowned chef Heston Blumenthal on a gastronomic adventure as he attempts to create the greatest feasts from history. In the Middle Ages, food was used as a source of entertainment and escape from the harsh realities of everyday life. Chefs dazzled and delighted privileged guests with incredible feats of dinner magic. In this episode, Heston creates a magical feast for celebrity diners. Look out for his astounding ‘meat fruit’; a surfeit of lampreys; a mind-boggling pie based on a nursery rhyme; and a dessert of edible tableware!

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