I Believe In Ghosts: Joe Swash

Joe Swash is an idiot. A first rate, trifle brained dolt. Yet, no matter how dimwitted Joe Swash is, he’s nowhere near as stupid as someone who thinks it’s a good idea to give him a job.

Since Swash and his dreadful haircut left Eastenders, we’ve seen him on our screens appearing As Himself. One show focused on his following Pamela Anderson around and doing his best to not walk into things and being told to stop trying to eat his own faeces. He did a roly poly on her bed and said lots of words, quickly, that didn’t necessarily go together.

Now, we’re told that he believes in ghosts. The show started with various clips of Swash with a look on his face like he’d just been flummoxed by the man in the mirror who copied his every move… and then, with eerie music, he said “then something happened which I couldn’t explain!”

This was to set us up for the show. This was to ensure us that something freaky had happened during filming. However, take a step back and actually have a think about things that Joe Swash might not be able to explain:

– How people do those fancy knots on their shoes?

– How does water know when it’s boiled?

– How do they take chickens out of eggs so we can have them for our breakfast?

– How do clouds know when to rain?

– Who taught the sun to fly?

So faced with ghosts and spirits and all that hokum, Swash is prime for being hoodwinked by spiritual charlatans.

One bloke in the show, when dealing with ‘a presence’ outside a door says “I know EXACTLY who is out there…”. So who was it? Phillip Reynolds, 86, former racing fan, birthmark on his left buttock, secret Nazi memorabilia collector from The Potteries? Or maybe it was Alice Goodhew, 43, Nick Drake fan and prize winner at the Appleby farmer’s fayre with her giant marrow? The answer?

“A male.”

Predictably, Swash gets a cold chill. That said, Joe Swash would get a cold chill if you told him it was cold even though you’d forced him into a blazing oven. He probably gets the willies because ‘them shadows’ keep following him.

Our Swash even revisited the scene of The Enfield poltergeist… in which children Margaret and Janet jumped around on their beds, generally making a rumpus, and blamed it on ghosts. They would later appear on TV doing impressions of Tommy Cooper and pretending that they’d been possessed by some demon.

Only a thundering dimwit would have believed their stories, even in the stupid Seventies… however, Swash is there with his eyes all wide open. At least he had the sense to acknowledge that The Exorcist had been released around the same time (it remains to be seen whether he thought it was a documentary or not).

Anyway, the close of the show treats us to Swash, filmed in nightvision like some grotty sex-tape, in a dungeon in the dark listening out for ghostie-whosties.

It’s here that the unexplainable happened. Basically, in the edit, some voices were picked up. Now, add this to the equation: The dungeon/cellar that Swash was sleeping in was beneath a nightclub and, of course, when the club shut up for the night… well… the simpletons who made this show assume that everyone quickly shunts off to bed.

The voice heard was deemed to be “the last rites”, when more likely, it’s someone in a nearby cellar sorting the pumps out for the club upstairs or someone having a fag beneath the club on their mobile phone arranging whatever.

But no. This voice was clearly a ghost. Despite all incredibly likely outcomes, Joe Swash and his team of retards had got something to chill his stupid little spine.

BBC Three, you’ve outdone yourselves. You should be proud.

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