Keith Lemon’s Very Brilliant World Tour

Tuesday 25 March 2008 10:00pm – 10:35pm on ITV2.

This week, dressed as Zorro, Keith introduces the next stop on his very brilliant world tour – Mexico.

His first observation is that the country seems to be populated with old men, women and children with wrinkly old tomato faces. At which point he bumps into Dev from Coronation Street – not really just a local look-a-like.

Keith’s friend and translator, who he’s nicknamed Penfold due to the striking resemblance he bares to the cartoon character, is his translator for the day. Penfold takes Keith to a local wrestling match and lands Keith an exclusive interview with Octagon, a midget wrestler. Once Keith has learned where Octagon can and can not wear his mask, he faces Octagon in the ring. Keith warns “if he hurts me I’ll knee the little bastard in the face”. Donning tights and a cape and about to wrestle with a midget, Keith likens the scene to “a party at Michael Barrymore’s house.”

To indulge him further in Mexican culture, Penfold takes Keith to a witchcraft market. Keith gets a lesson in voodoo but further than that is unimpressed and sensing Penfold’s growing annoyance at his attitude they decide to call it a day.

The next day Keith decides to take in some history and visits a Mayan city, in an attempt to cheer himself up. Standing beside the 1500 year old ruins he asks his guide “is this where Mel Gibson filmed Apocalypse Now?” Unfortunately it isn’t so and Keith decides to discuss Mel’s personal life – “He got drunk and went all racist didn’t he?”

In a further bid to cheer himself up Keith goes to the beach ‘”on the hunt for a new piece of pie” it’s pulling time. Sadly he experiences several knock backs and concludes that his “lady trapping skills are at an all time low”. He calls on Fabio, mojo maestro, to rectify the situation. Fabio advises Keith to think of a lady as a bowling ball – “you want to stick your fingers in each holes and see which you like the best” – and he advises that Keith do this with his willy not his big hand. Somehow Keith’s mojo is restored by this mystical advice.

He decides to put love on the back burner and danger on the front burner and travels into the jungle to see tarantulas, zip line across a river and to lower himself, along with Roy, down a big well, deep in the jungle. None of this fazes Keith as he holds a wealth of knowledge about the jungle after hours of Discovery channel viewing, thanks to Jonny showbiz’s chipped box.

Keith’s next Mexican adventure takes him to a small city to see bull running. He learns that it’s a seriously dangerous event that people travel from all over the world to see and some actually die. Seeing it with his own eyes though Keith feels sorry for the beasts, so much so that he starts to hear the bull’s inner most thoughts.

Finally, Keith is off to the carnival celebrations – “like Notting Hill but without the stabbings and the drum and bass and full of bang-tidy babes.”

This week Keith Lemon is in Australia, situated on the back foot of the shark shape he has plotted for his course around the globe.

To introduce this week’s show, Keith emerges from the desert dressed as a show girl. His failure to emulate ‘Prew-cilla Queen of the Desert’ may be as he hasn’t seen the film. “Is it an hormone-sexual film?” he asks cameraman Roy.

His first stop in Oz is the Sydney Opera House, which Keith correctly recognises as on one of Australia’s most famous assets. However, Keith also describes the famous landmark as looking like a bunch of “egg shells and chicken beaks.”

Australia is home to many beautiful beaches which Keith is keen to visit and also try out some beach activities. First he hits the waves to perfect his “surfing boarding” talent and then swaps his wet suit for a volley ball crop top and joins in a game with some “bang-tidy” volley ball babes.

Being in Australia reminds Keith of his ex-girlfriend Holly Valance and he experiences a flash back to that not so happy time.

The next day Keith is off to learn about the wildlife of Australia with expert Bruce Baggins, Bilbo Baggins’s brother apparently. Among the creatures he sees are giant Australian rabbits called ‘kangahroos’ and a member of the Diplodocus dinosaur family, the crocodile. Using a stick to close the crocodile’s eyes, Bruce can get close to the crocodile and gets Keith to sit on its back with him – “I had to do what he said otherwise he said he were gonna beat me with his stick,” Keith explains.

Keith describes the crocs’ natural habitat as a “pond of crocodile soup”. Bruce uses a dressed-up dummy to show Keith what happens if you slip and touch the water. A crocodile surfaces and thrashes the dummy around in the water by his head. Keith observes that the dummy’s jeans have come off and notes that “not only are they aggressive, but very talented as well.”

His next adventure in Oz is a flight in a small aeroplane to the outback. Captain Ben explains what each part of the plane is for before Keith exclaims “Let’s get buckled up before I sweat so much I’m reduced to the size of Prince.” After three and a half hours they land in the outback. Keith is disappointed to find that he cannot complete his plans to climb Ayers Rock, as it is sacred ground to ‘the Aboriginals’. Instead he meets up with Stefan Dennis who plays Paul Robinson in Neighbours. Keith discusses his new business ventures with Paul and asks him to be the face of his latest product, ‘Cere-Ale’ – the boozy cereal for adults.

During a spear making lesson, Keith tells Paul about his radical new plot line ideas for Neighbours. The pair discuss evil Paul beating good Paul with his wooden leg and the conversation turns to Heather Mills: “You lose your leg and you go evil,” Keith concludes.

Having left Stefan behind, Keith goes to the Bush Man Poet Society to read one of his creations. He receives a disappointing reception to his “distinctly brilliant poem” when he cannot think of anything to rhyme with ‘exciting’.

Keith’s final stop in Australia is the Great Barrier Reef which he describes as “the greatest, hence its name.” He joins a group of scuba divers to catch a glimpse of the underwater ‘organisms’ the reef supports.

Keith chooses a local term to describe his trip to Australia – “top bonza mate!”

Tuesday 18 March 2008 10:00pm – 10:30pm on ITV2

Keith’s first stop on his whirl wind very brilliant world tour is America – the nose of his shark shaped travel route. That’s right, Keith Lemon (Businessman Of The Year ’93) is “living in America” and is about to kick the American dream right up the arse.

His first task – “to fatten his horizons” – is a visit to the Chippendales in Las Vegas where he picks up some killer moves to impress the ladies. Although, he does have some trouble with his pants and his tallywacker. What will Mel B think?

Also during the trip, Keith embarks upon a bout of adrenaline pumping activities. He gets a sweaty arse during an indoor sky dive and visits the wonders of the Grand Canyon during a helicopter ride.

However, it is not all pleasure for Keith while he is living the dream. Keith can not help but worry about his cousin Gary, who is taking care of his Securipole business in Leeds, so he checks in to make sure everything is running smoothly.

But it is not longer before Keith is back to “texturizing his conversations” when he visits the Testi Festi in Montana. During the Testicular Festival Keith gets involved in a wet t-shirt competition, lesbian mud wrestling, minge showing, and a bull’s balls munching competition – He is definitely experiencing America off the beaten track.

However, Keith’s balls also come into question when he suddenly has to rush back to the UK to see his ex-girlfriend, Mel C.

Tuesday 11 March 2008 10:00pm – 10:30pm on ITV2.

  • BBC One
  • BBC Two
  • BBC Three
  • ITV1
  • ITV2
  • 4
  • E4
  • Film4
  • More4
  • Five
  • Fiver
  • Sky1