Kirstie’s Homemade Christmas

Thursday, December 24 on M4

Kirstie Allsopp returns for a three-part special that sees her create the perfect homemade Christmas. In this show, Kirstie presents her guide to creating perfect Christmas decorations.

Friday, December 18 on 4

Kirstie Allsopp returns for a three-part special that sees her create the perfect homemade Christmas. In this show, Kirstie presents her guide to creating perfect Christmas decorations.

Every time I see Kirstie Allsopp on my TV, I get lifestyle envy. This essentially means that I like her taste in coats and I’d like to rummage around in antique shops and live in her house. Once, I saw her in the same light as I saw Kim Woodburn from How Clean Is Your House? She was a camp TV spectacle that was able to sidestep criticism by virtue of just… being.

However, something has changed. I don’t know what it is… what am I saying? I know exactly what it is… she told everyone on Twitter that she was a Tory and that brought out the idiot in me…

Anyway, I started to look at her differently and the things I would have once glazed over have now begun to crack. In Kirstie’s Homemade Christmas (Channel 4), the whole ceiling started falling in on my head.

Whilst there is no doubt that Kirstie’s motives are honourable enough – which are, to provide you with tips to make Christmas a bit more quirky and a little cheaper – her execution was wildly off-target.

Basically, to have a Christmas like the one in Kirstie’s dreamland, you need two things:

1. Money

2. Time

The latter is especially important. You see, last night, we saw our Kirstie at antique shops, glass blowers, cake decorators, baking decorations with school children, making wreathes… and so on and so on. Obviously, each instruction wasn’t supposed to be followed exactly… but some just fell down, and in a recession, we’re all hyper-critical when it comes to financial advice.

It was pleasant and distracting enough to watch Kirstie making her own baubles at the glass blowing place, however, one second of research online and it turns out that I’d need to stump up £200-a-session on a glass-blowing course for the privilege. Suddenly, things don’t seem as cheap as they once did.

As for making your own wreath, making a swankly decorated Christmas cake and the like… well… you’re talking about a project that will require around a million man-hours of work, which is not always possible when you’re getting in loads of overtime in at work to pay for Christmas presents and the like.

The whole show was a nice idea that simply didn’t add up in the real world. No-one’s fault, as such, but rather irritating to view.

Of course, for people like me, living in a poky flat in a city, there’s a third problem – storage. I simply don’t have the room to store a shit-load of Christmas tat. I’m running out of room as it is, simply by having stuff.

Really, if you want a glittery Christmas filled with the joys of Noel, get yourself down the pound shop and stock up on stuff that you can throw away without too much heartache. There you go. Mof Gimmers’ Bargain Christmas, in one sentence.

Tuesday, December 8 on 4

Kirstie Allsopp returns for a three-part special, showing over the next three nights, that sees her create the perfect homemade Christmas. In this first edition Kirstie presents her guide to creating perfect Christmas decorations, and there’s the all important Christmas cake, and the search for the perfect tree. With the house starting to take shape, Kirstie turns her attentions to designing her own Christmas cards, and blowing her own glass baubles. Plus, she even gets green fingered as she makes her own Christmas wreath for the front door.

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