Location Location Location

8:00pm Thursday, October 4 on C4

Kirstie and Phil’s property finding continues as they search the Tees Valley, in the north east, for first-time parents Nicola Moore and Tony Curry, who are desperate to find their first home, and new buyers jewellery designer Emily Lathan and her graphic designer boyfriend Dani Jones.

8:00pm Thursday, September 27 on C4

Kirstie and Phil are in north London helping two sets of househunters with very different problems. Ify Okoye is searching for her first home. But having already viewed a whopping 90 properties she’s got one of the worst cases of househunter’s fatigue Kirstie has ever seen. Phil’s with first time buyers Mike and Rosemary, who have spent the last six years abroad and want to settle down. But will their property aspirations prove too big for their budget?

8:00pm Thursday, September 20 on C4

Kirstie and Phil are in Sussex looking for two homes for two very different sets of house hunters. Ashlee Newton is looking for her first home. After nine years of saving, Ashlee wants a period flat near the bars and restaurants of Brighton or Hove. After eight years of living apart architectural historian Colin Amery and his partner Robin Balance, a property renovation manager, are looking to find their first home together. They want a place they can renovate from scratch, and for them it’s less about Location, Location, Location, and more about Architecture, Architecture, Architecture.

8:00pm Thursday, September 13 on C4

Kirstie and Phil return for a run of brand new episodes. This time they are in Hertfordshire, prime commuter territory where property doesn’t come cheap, trying to find two homes for two young couples. Newly-engaged accountants Liz and Neil are looking for a home where they can start a family close to the market town of Tring. Twenty miles east, in St Albans, Phil is helping married couple David and Claire, who have moved five times in five years and are desperate to get off the rental merry-go-round.

8:00pm Thursday, May 20 on C4

This time Kirstie and Phil are in the north-west. Richard and Helen Francis have been living the city centre lifestyle in Manchester. But now they’ve only got three months until bump becomes baby. They’ve got 400K for a move to the suburbs, but with a search area that covers only around 200 streets. In Preston, Graham and Nina Walker are looking to swap their tiny rented terrace for their first marital home. Nina wants a fast move, but Graham is a bit nervous.

8:00pm Thursday, May 13 on C4

Location, Location, Location returns for a brand new series. With nervous sellers and demand for housing outstripping supply, buyers are battling one of the most difficult housing markets for a generation. Luckily Phil and Kirstie are on the scene to show the way, and make property dreams come true for househunters across the country. In this edition Kirstie and Phil visit Surrey.

Location Location Location is an irritating programme to watch. It’s always been irritating. These days, it’s more annoying than ever because, whilst the whole nation wallows in the credit crunch gloop, Phil and Kirstie gaily skip around with the only remaining people in the whole of Britain who can even think about buying a house.

Not that the show is that simple. You see, what the show is really about is would-be house buyers being absolutely idiotic and desperately trying to NOT buy a house in the face of two perfectly reasonable and lovely humans who know what they’re talking about.

As such, I imagine this is the reason why people watch a show like this. Like Property Ladder, we don’t necessarily tune in to look at houses and get good tips, but rather, to hurl abuse at the participants who turn their noses up at nice houses because the garden has the slightly incorrect gradient or because the water in the toilets is too hard.

Spurious reasons and annoying faces give the viewer the chance to really vent and howl at the pukebox… Location Location Location isn’t so much a show, but a cathartic experience, much like the primal scream regressive therapy which saw rock stars wailing about their mums in the ‘70s.

The last episode was, of course, no different. Kirstie waltzed around in her lovely coats while Phil showed off his tailored suits, both turning up the stones to show off perfectly nice houses in perfectly nice areas. In one thread, we saw a travelling sci-fi poindexter too afraid to even wave at his own shadow, let alone write a cheque for a house he might have to live in for a decade.

A nervy chap like him wouldn’t like to read a snarky, cranky reviewer slating him… but mercifully, he was a nice enough chap. While he provided the light and gentle viewing, the other couple made me hoarse from screaming insults at the television.

He was a streak of piss scaredy-cat who had only ever seen boobies in Porky’s Revenge and she, a pointy chinned American ex-pat who thought absolutely everything in England was too small. For an amount of money that isn’t important, she wanted more than it could buy.

After this dunderhead was “not getting England”, I managed to vent a month’s worth of pent up aggression leaving me placid and calm. Any annoyance that I build up over the next week or so can be safely deposited during the next airing. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to rely on. This show works on this level so well because you know damn well that there are two sympathisers on screen. Sometimes, Kirstie stamps her feet on camera… but I can imagine that Phil goes around setting fire to cars and punching widows away from the edit to let off steam after dealing with complete nincompoops.

It’s so rare that anyone on the TV reflects the nation so well. I mean, where else can you feel completely at ease hurling abuse at other humans? No, Britain’s Got Talent doesn’t count, because that’s plain mean. Most of the morons in Location Location Location deserve it and because there hasn’t been a televised murder yet, we should applaud the saintly resolve of Phil and Kirstie.

Wednesday, August 12 on 4

This week’s search straddles opposite banks of the Mersey. In the Wirral fancy dress shop owner Gary Wakefield has his eyes on a family home. Gary and wife Nicky openly admit they are the fussiest house hunters in the country. After 18 months of searching for their dream home, they really need a reality check from Britain’s premier property duo. The second set of house hunters are friends and graduate doctors Gemma Kealty and Susannah Brown, who at the tender age of 23 are pooling resources for a first time buy. They have just ?200,000 to spend on a flatshare in trendy Sefton Park.

Wednesday, August 5 on 4

Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer return for a brand new series. In this edition they house hunt for two young couples in Hertfordshire. Martine Wright and Nick Wiltshire met in 2003 and are about to get married. On 7 July 2005, Martine lost both legs in the London bombings. She spent a tough year learning to walk again. Now these nearlyweds are finally able to look to the future and need a home where they can settle down and raise their family. Dina Mistry and Pradeep Patel are also making up for lost time: they have been trying to escape their cramped Finchley flat for almost a year.

Monday 21 July 2008

It’s a double whammy catch-up this week, as Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer revisit two sets of house hunters who proved themselves to be enough of a challenge the first time around; so has anything changed? Lottery winners and millionaires Roger and Lara Griffiths are looking for their dream home, and ex-army major Anjie Tilley wants a property in Yorkshire near her friends and family… but not too close!

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