Location Location Location

8:00pm Thursday, October 4 on C4

Kirstie and Phil’s property finding continues as they search the Tees Valley, in the north east, for first-time parents Nicola Moore and Tony Curry, who are desperate to find their first home, and new buyers jewellery designer Emily Lathan and her graphic designer boyfriend Dani Jones.

8:00pm Thursday, September 27 on C4

Kirstie and Phil are in north London helping two sets of househunters with very different problems. Ify Okoye is searching for her first home. But having already viewed a whopping 90 properties she’s got one of the worst cases of househunter’s fatigue Kirstie has ever seen. Phil’s with first time buyers Mike and Rosemary, who have spent the last six years abroad and want to settle down. But will their property aspirations prove too big for their budget?

8:00pm Thursday, September 20 on C4

Kirstie and Phil are in Sussex looking for two homes for two very different sets of house hunters. Ashlee Newton is looking for her first home. After nine years of saving, Ashlee wants a period flat near the bars and restaurants of Brighton or Hove. After eight years of living apart architectural historian Colin Amery and his partner Robin Balance, a property renovation manager, are looking to find their first home together. They want a place they can renovate from scratch, and for them it’s less about Location, Location, Location, and more about Architecture, Architecture, Architecture.

8:00pm Thursday, September 13 on C4

Kirstie and Phil return for a run of brand new episodes. This time they are in Hertfordshire, prime commuter territory where property doesn’t come cheap, trying to find two homes for two young couples. Newly-engaged accountants Liz and Neil are looking for a home where they can start a family close to the market town of Tring. Twenty miles east, in St Albans, Phil is helping married couple David and Claire, who have moved five times in five years and are desperate to get off the rental merry-go-round.

To launch the celebrations of 30 Years of Channel 4, C4 are bringing you something very special indeed. For one night only, Channel 4 hosts are going to be pushed right out of their comfort zones – they are job swapping with each other. Prepare yourselves for Channel 4′s Mash Up.

In early January, Channel 4′s Mash Up will change around much loved shows and much loved faces to create a never before seen night of top notch entertainment and comedy. How will they all cope?

The Million Pound Drop. She’s an amazing host but how will Davina fare when she has to play the game itself? And if that’s not pressure enough, Phil Spencer steps out of the estate agents and into her shoes as host.

Location, Location, Location. Kirstie Allsopp teaches Alan Carr some of the tricks of the property trade. Will Alan manage to negotiate a very real house purchase for a very real single girl in need of a home?

Come Dine with Me – Made in Chelsea. Without the benefit of caterers, event organisers and hired help…who will cook up a storm?

8 out of 10 Cats Do Countdown. Hosted by Jimmy Carr with Sean Lock and Jon Richardson competing. Will the team get beaten by the fiendish Countdown Conundrum?

River Cottage. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is joined at River Cottage by some very surprising helpers …Throughout the night rolling hosts will introduce each show plus sketches and some very special guests …

Justin Gorman, Head of Entertainment Channel 4 said “Some of channel 4′s biggest stars and some of our favourite shows as you’ve never seen them before. They’re swapping with each other for a treat and a laugh to kick off the New Year.”

The 39-year-old TV presenter speaks exclusively to new! magazine about her public rows with Alan Sugar, what she thinks of Victoria Beckham’s daughter’s name and her guilt over being a working mum…

On her Twitter spats with The Apprentice boss: “It’s not like we were married and then had a divorce! We had a spat. I think the expression they use is ‘end of’. We had a spat, end of.”

On her opinion of the name Harper Seven Beckham: “Lovely names but an unfortunate combo – it sounds like ‘half-past seven’. And Harper Beckham? Not sure I’d have put Harper with Beckham. But I really hope she isn’t reading any of the stuff about her name!”

On how she’s prone to guilt as a working mum: “I think all mums feel that because there are times when you want to be there and you can’t. You questions whether you’re getting the balance right.”

Star magazine is available at all good newsagents, supermarkets, bookshops and selected outlets nationwide

© Star magazine Tuesday 19th July 2011

8:00pm Thursday, May 20 on C4

This time Kirstie and Phil are in the north-west. Richard and Helen Francis have been living the city centre lifestyle in Manchester. But now they’ve only got three months until bump becomes baby. They’ve got 400K for a move to the suburbs, but with a search area that covers only around 200 streets. In Preston, Graham and Nina Walker are looking to swap their tiny rented terrace for their first marital home. Nina wants a fast move, but Graham is a bit nervous.

8:00pm Thursday, May 13 on C4

Location, Location, Location returns for a brand new series. With nervous sellers and demand for housing outstripping supply, buyers are battling one of the most difficult housing markets for a generation. Luckily Phil and Kirstie are on the scene to show the way, and make property dreams come true for househunters across the country. In this edition Kirstie and Phil visit Surrey.

Location Location Location is an irritating programme to watch. It’s always been irritating. These days, it’s more annoying than ever because, whilst the whole nation wallows in the credit crunch gloop, Phil and Kirstie gaily skip around with the only remaining people in the whole of Britain who can even think about buying a house.

Not that the show is that simple. You see, what the show is really about is would-be house buyers being absolutely idiotic and desperately trying to NOT buy a house in the face of two perfectly reasonable and lovely humans who know what they’re talking about.

As such, I imagine this is the reason why people watch a show like this. Like Property Ladder, we don’t necessarily tune in to look at houses and get good tips, but rather, to hurl abuse at the participants who turn their noses up at nice houses because the garden has the slightly incorrect gradient or because the water in the toilets is too hard.

Spurious reasons and annoying faces give the viewer the chance to really vent and howl at the pukebox… Location Location Location isn’t so much a show, but a cathartic experience, much like the primal scream regressive therapy which saw rock stars wailing about their mums in the ‘70s.

The last episode was, of course, no different. Kirstie waltzed around in her lovely coats while Phil showed off his tailored suits, both turning up the stones to show off perfectly nice houses in perfectly nice areas. In one thread, we saw a travelling sci-fi poindexter too afraid to even wave at his own shadow, let alone write a cheque for a house he might have to live in for a decade.

A nervy chap like him wouldn’t like to read a snarky, cranky reviewer slating him… but mercifully, he was a nice enough chap. While he provided the light and gentle viewing, the other couple made me hoarse from screaming insults at the television.

He was a streak of piss scaredy-cat who had only ever seen boobies in Porky’s Revenge and she, a pointy chinned American ex-pat who thought absolutely everything in England was too small. For an amount of money that isn’t important, she wanted more than it could buy.

After this dunderhead was “not getting England”, I managed to vent a month’s worth of pent up aggression leaving me placid and calm. Any annoyance that I build up over the next week or so can be safely deposited during the next airing. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to rely on. This show works on this level so well because you know damn well that there are two sympathisers on screen. Sometimes, Kirstie stamps her feet on camera… but I can imagine that Phil goes around setting fire to cars and punching widows away from the edit to let off steam after dealing with complete nincompoops.

It’s so rare that anyone on the TV reflects the nation so well. I mean, where else can you feel completely at ease hurling abuse at other humans? No, Britain’s Got Talent doesn’t count, because that’s plain mean. Most of the morons in Location Location Location deserve it and because there hasn’t been a televised murder yet, we should applaud the saintly resolve of Phil and Kirstie.

Wednesday, August 12 on 4

This week’s search straddles opposite banks of the Mersey. In the Wirral fancy dress shop owner Gary Wakefield has his eyes on a family home. Gary and wife Nicky openly admit they are the fussiest house hunters in the country. After 18 months of searching for their dream home, they really need a reality check from Britain’s premier property duo. The second set of house hunters are friends and graduate doctors Gemma Kealty and Susannah Brown, who at the tender age of 23 are pooling resources for a first time buy. They have just ?200,000 to spend on a flatshare in trendy Sefton Park.