Location Location Location is an irritating programme to watch. It’s always been irritating. These days, it’s more annoying than ever because, whilst the whole nation wallows in the credit crunch gloop, Phil and Kirstie gaily skip around with the only remaining people in the whole of Britain who can even think about buying a house.
Not that the show is that simple. You see, what the show is really about is would-be house buyers being absolutely idiotic and desperately trying to NOT buy a house in the face of two perfectly reasonable and lovely humans who know what they’re talking about.
As such, I imagine this is the reason why people watch a show like this. Like Property Ladder, we don’t necessarily tune in to look at houses and get good tips, but rather, to hurl abuse at the participants who turn their noses up at nice houses because the garden has the slightly incorrect gradient or because the water in the toilets is too hard.
Spurious reasons and annoying faces give the viewer the chance to really vent and howl at the pukebox… Location Location Location isn’t so much a show, but a cathartic experience, much like the primal scream regressive therapy which saw rock stars wailing about their mums in the ‘70s.
The last episode was, of course, no different. Kirstie waltzed around in her lovely coats while Phil showed off his tailored suits, both turning up the stones to show off perfectly nice houses in perfectly nice areas. In one thread, we saw a travelling sci-fi poindexter too afraid to even wave at his own shadow, let alone write a cheque for a house he might have to live in for a decade.
A nervy chap like him wouldn’t like to read a snarky, cranky reviewer slating him… but mercifully, he was a nice enough chap. While he provided the light and gentle viewing, the other couple made me hoarse from screaming insults at the television.
He was a streak of piss scaredy-cat who had only ever seen boobies in Porky’s Revenge and she, a pointy chinned American ex-pat who thought absolutely everything in England was too small. For an amount of money that isn’t important, she wanted more than it could buy.
After this dunderhead was “not getting England”, I managed to vent a month’s worth of pent up aggression leaving me placid and calm. Any annoyance that I build up over the next week or so can be safely deposited during the next airing. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to rely on. This show works on this level so well because you know damn well that there are two sympathisers on screen. Sometimes, Kirstie stamps her feet on camera… but I can imagine that Phil goes around setting fire to cars and punching widows away from the edit to let off steam after dealing with complete nincompoops.
It’s so rare that anyone on the TV reflects the nation so well. I mean, where else can you feel completely at ease hurling abuse at other humans? No, Britain’s Got Talent doesn’t count, because that’s plain mean. Most of the morons in Location Location Location deserve it and because there hasn’t been a televised murder yet, we should applaud the saintly resolve of Phil and Kirstie.