Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: Gordon Brown

What on Earth is Gordon Brown doing appearing on a show with a man who looks like an inflatable David Cameron? Of course, I’m talking about one-man smug festival, Piers Morgan.

Well, through Morgan’s ‘Life Stories’, Brown was on the charm offensive. It was time to peel away the layers of prudent Scottishness and political austerity and reveal the human beneath.

At this point, people who are insultingly thick have looked at Gordon Brown and thought “I don’t like ‘im… he seems boring…“. That’s because most people want ‘a character’ to lead them into, for example, World War III.

It’s the only explanation I can muster when realising that the majority of voters in London thought it would be a hoot to vote in the most idiotic nitwit on the face of the planet as mayor.

Yes, Boris Johnson is the kind of man who makes outdated racist remarks like pickaninny as well as (allegedly) helping someone to beat up a journalist. That’s the kind of person that gets voted into offices round here.

Brown meanwhile, a dour but hard-working bloke is dragged over the coals for being boring. Well, that and generally being a politician.

Labour should put Susan Boyle forward as the next ticket.

Yessir, we need personalities to believe in because, for the most part, we just can’t be bothered reading about policies and the like. That Obama bloke seems pretty cool… why can’t we have him?

And so, the depressing treadmill of the humanising of politicians begins in earnest because shortly, there’ll be a general election… not that anyone will vote. That’s because All Politicians Sound The Same.

Like Cameron appeared on Jonathan Ross, Brown appears on Morgan’s show to talk about himself as opposed to boring things like policies and the future. Of course, this made the show almost redundant because we shouldn’t really be giving three shits about how our Prime Minister proposed to his wife. It’s staggeringly unimportant.

However, that’s the angle Piers Morgan took, asking Brown about shagging women, taking drugs and what it felt like to be called a “Scottish one-eyed idiot”. Every time the show sailed close to something relevant, Morgan quickly drew back and dreamed of something more salacious.

As a result, personally speaking of course, I thought Brown came across as a decent enough chap. He did rather well at looking comfortable in what amounted to a gameshow studio with an absolute tool sat right up in his face looking like unbaked dough with rat-shit for eyes.

Of course, the whole thing is contrived to the point of non-human, but that’s the nature of British politics. We haven’t learned the razzle-dazzle of American TV charm and, on the strength of last night, it sure looks like we could do with it if we want apathetic non-voters to get on board with this thing called democracy.

  • BBC One
  • BBC Two
  • BBC Three
  • ITV1
  • ITV2
  • 4
  • E4
  • Film4
  • More4
  • Five
  • Fiver
  • Sky1