T Mobile Commercial

Adverts, by and large, are supposed to irritate you. They’ve got a minute or less to tell you something or, at the very least, be remembered at all. They’re all jostling for position like freshly hatched chicks, squawking at us with their horrible veiny eyelids and bald stumpy wings.

As such, I get annoyed with myself when I allow a series of commercials to irritate me. It means they’ve won. Whilst your average Innocent Smoothie advert may pass inoffensively through your mind like an ambling summer cloud, those that feign hipness or fun are usually the ones that get right under your skin like a weeping cyst.

The current crop of ‘spontaneous’ events, or flash mob adverts from T Mobile are providing me with no end of indigestion.

In one commercial in particular, which we’ll call The One With The Bonnie Tyler Song In It, we’re not only faced with one of the most ludicrously pompous and dreadful records ever made, but also, a gangly hipster swaying around in the throng and pelting it out like he’s auditioning for World’s Most Punchable Tit. When he sings “every now and then I fall apart”, after I’ve finished vomiting up my internal organs through one tear duct, I like to imagine him actually falling apart as cannibals slow cook him in his sense of self worth.

It doesn’t stop there either. There’s those with P!nk in, who not only has a stupid bit of punctuation in her name, but the added teeth grinder of a voice, which she earnestly wheels out at every opportunity which says “I mean it, maaaaan… I’ve got tattoos to back this claim!” Of course, the only thing for an overly earnest person to sing is the overly earnest ‘Hey Jude’ by The Beatles, which has seen many perfectly good nights out ruined by mongs in Ben Sherman shirts yelling “NAAAAAA NAAA NAAA NANANANAAAAA…“.

It seems that T Mobile are intent on making me puke. Well done. You’ve managed it. I’m sending you a cleaning bill for my carpet and no, don’t send round one of your flash mobs to do the dance routine to Thriller.

I’m not one to condone terrorist attacks… but y’know… if someone had carpet bombed London on the day of the shoot…

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