The Crystal Maze

The ’90s was a weird time for television. When I think of it as a whole, it’s either wilful nudity like Lady Chatterly’s Knockers or kookyfests like This Life and TFI Friday. In the middle of all this was perhaps the kookiest gameshow ever aired (I’m glad we’re focusing on kookiness because the nudiest gameshow – Keith Chegwin’s Naked Jungle doesn’t really warrant another piece on it) – The Crystal Maze.

For the children amongst you who can only remember the show via borrowed nostalgia, the show was equally brilliant and irritating. Absolute simpletons would race around mocked up worlds called The Aztec Zone, Futuristic Zone, Medieval Zone and the Industrial Zone. Pedants will point out that the industrial one was replaced by the Ocean Zone after a while.

Anyway, idiots bamboozled their tiny little brains like they were on some team-building work’s day out with mental and physical challenges and collected crystals along the way, like a really rubbish computer game come to life. This all lead to the end of level baddie, or as it is actually known, The Crystal Dome.

In this giant geometric acrylic glass dome, the assembled idiots jumped around and grasped hopelessly into the air trying to grab golden foil tickets from between the swirling silver foil. Together, they’d win a rubbish weekend of canoeing in the Lakes or something.

All the while Richard O’Brien (who once grabbed my balls in a Manchester nightclub, but that’s another story) pranced around, shouted “Mother!” and blew into a harmonica when he got bored of watching fools struggle with games like ‘Make a brew’ and ‘Tie a shoelace’.

Now, The Sun is reporting that the show might be making a comeback.

ITV is looking at taking the show on. However, instead of Rocky Horror Picture Show creator Richard O’Brien as host, ITV is going for the dead-faced Amanda Holden.

This is a risky thing to do because I recall people switching off in droves when Edward Tudor Pole took over for a couple of series.

Would you watch a Crystal Maze headed up by that irritating, self congratulatory turd from Britain’s Got Talent? Surely this will make a show that, whilst utterly rubbish, on it’s day was weirdly compelling, be akin to something like Fort Boyard with Melinda Messenger and Dirty Webcam Den?

I hate people who hire ‘the talent’ in the world of television. What next? Fearne Cotton does Treasure Hunt?


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