UK Snow

The snow, like all weather, is best enjoyed indoors. As such, I’ve been stood by my window grinning at the glee of the African people on my street who have never seen such a thing. I’ve also cackled like a cartoon villain when they realise that, after the initial thrill of snow wears off, they’re left with something that makes you cold, wet and unable to get anywhere without continually falling on your arse. Welcome to my world.

Basically, I’m not leaving the house until it goes away. I don’t want to be cold… I don’t want to build something amusing like a snow cock… I don’t want to get hit in the ear with an ice ball… I am a misery of the highest order when the snow comes along.

As such, the TV is determined to make me even more miserable. You see, thanks to having eyes and a brain that can remember the last 24 hours or so, I’m aware that the rain is coming down like dandruff. Dandruff made from ice. The television doesn’t seem to realise this though, and continually reminds me that, outside, it’s either snowing or has snowed.

I’m acutely aware of this. I’m also acutely aware of the fact that, when snow falls, it has a habit of making everything look the same. Playing fields are reduced to great white expanses that are almost identical to other great white expanses (like a polar bear’s arse or Noel Fielding’s face). The sun and rain have amazing ways of adding hues and depth to an image… the snow just makes everything look like it’s covered in snow.

This won’t stop the BBC though. You see, this snowy snap is being celebrated in a news special tonight called the Big Freeze (BBC One, 8pm). For 30-minutes, Sophie Raworth will show us loads of places that look the same… apart from those places broken up by an abandoned car or some prick on a sledge.

Of course, this show is clearly a last-minute bodge job thanks to the cancellation of the Carling Cup tie between Manchester United and Manchester City which was due to air live.

“We know that the bad weather has caused massive disruption across the UK and audiences for BBC News have been huge,” said Kevin Bakhurst, the controller of the BBC News channel. “So we wanted to offer audiences the most up-to-date information and coverage across the day, on top of the regular bulletin slots.”

Effectively, the news is this:

– Snow!

– Look at this brain dead idiot who tried driving to work! He’s been trapped in his car for 16 hours straight!

– MORE SNOW!

– Here is the fun side of snow!

– Here is an old person. She might die because of snow. Just to remind you that snow isn’t always fun!

– Here’s some pictures taken by you of the snow!

– Here’s a man who sells snow shoes! He’s loving all this snow!

– SNOW!

Ad nauseum.

  • BBC One
  • BBC Two
  • BBC Three
  • ITV1
  • ITV2
  • 4
  • E4
  • Film4
  • More4
  • Five
  • Fiver
  • Sky1