Throng

So we've come to the end of the "12 week job interview from hell" and it's down to robo-Apprentice Kate and Yasmina the chef who couldn't cook her books. Place your bets ladies and gentleman because the final furlongs of the race to be Sir Alan's apprentice (and slouch about some grey offices in Brentwood) are about to be run...

And what's more - the rest of them are back!

21:00 Before we see what happened, it's the man described by Stuart Lee as "a Toby jug full of piss" Adrian Chiles to introduce the show. He'll be back later for the final You're Fired.

21:03 "Sir Alan Sugar...famously hard to please" but easy enough to get into your government. Yours for a Lordship. Looking forward to that next series "Lord Alan Sugar is in charge of a vast business empire and a little Labour thinktank" (as long as the Tories don't get the BBC to tell him "yer fiyurd").

20:57 We're down to five - "Devilish" Debra, Yasmina the bland, James the jester, Lorraine - owner of the longest face in Britain and Kate - the Heather Mills bot. After a programme introducing us to their families and their hard luck stories (plus Debra's long suffering boss), it's time for the penultimate episode. The interviews are always the most enjoyable stage as Sir Alan's stooges really stick the boot in. Expect Kate and Debra to field the most blows. I'd like to see James in the final but suspect his jokey demeanour could count against him. Then again, look how well Lee McQueen did with that "reverse pterodactyl" impression of his.

21:00 "This is a job interview from hell..." etc, etc. Oh Sir Alan, are you sure you couldn't just offer the cash alternative?

21:03 The phone rings but this time we know what's in store for the feckless five. Kate's the one who rushes to grab it, looking better without her usual polyfiller level of slap.

After last week when big baby Ben got the boot after much pratting about with prams, today the contestants are off to the shopping channel to attempt to shift all sorts of tat to some of the least discerning viewers known to man. I suspect they'll still struggle. Debra is bound to be in the firing line after her clashes with Sir Alan. 

21:03 Lorraine slumps down to the phone - it's not a pretty sight. The teams must meet him at Alexandra Palace. 

"I think Sir Alan sees me in the final," confides Howard. I think he sees you in his vampire themed nightmares Howard but well done for being optimistic. 

Home shopping is worth £1bn a year. The teams need to select products and flog them to the viewers at home. 

21:06 Howard is leading Ignite. "I think we should chose products that suit our personalities," says Lorraine. So...something wet then. An aquarium. 

After last week's muddled attempts to rebrand the bucolic beaches of Margate, this time the teams are set to descend on a baby show. The previews showing James lolling about in a birthing pool fill me with dread. According to Margaret's ever reliable preview we can expect stilettos designed for infants and Debra riding an expensive rocking horse. It seems Margaret wasn't too suprised by this occurence as "she's spent much of the series riding one hobby-horse or another...maybe it's the whip that's the attraction." Couple that vision with the lingerie shots of Debra that popped up in the News Of The World this week and you've got the recipe for some pretty vivid nightmares. My prediction for tonight: Ben will throw his toys out of the pram throughout. 

After last week's firing in which the removal of human rod of pure rage Philip, seducer of Kate and creator of Pantsman, led to spontaneous street parties across the nation, this week's episode has a lot to live up to. Thankfully the contestants face a task that can only lead to abject and total failure - trying to rebrand Margate as a must visit modern holiday destination. 

I'm sure the seaside town has a lot going for it (besides being the former home of Brit Art's ex-enfant terrible and bedmaking refusenik Tracy Emin) but everyone's favourite suited suckers are unlikely to discover what that might be. Expect sandcastles, stand-offs and an ill-advised attempt to turn the traditional seaside resort into a fantabulous gay mecca to rival Brighton. 

Follow the carnage here from 21.00. Fingers crossed once again that Ben "son of Sandhurst" Clarke gets the boot this week. 

20:56 Last week task saw the tossers trying to tell treasure from tat, this week they're in my neck of the woods (Manchester) for a selling task. In previous years it would have been Marrakesh but hey, times are tough. Fingers crossed that Bolshy "Sandhurst Scholarship" Ben or Phil - the Incredible Hulk filtered through the body of a berk from Durham go this week. 

21:02 Howard (somehow getting paler every week - he may be translucent if he makes it for too much longer) runs like mad for the phone. They need to pack their bags. Immediately the Apprentices suspect their going somewhere hot. "London Gateway," says Ben, "Suggesting a gateway to somewhere nice". Yes Ben, London Gateway Services which is nice if you like rain, concrete and over priced sandwiches. 

21:00 After last week's pirate birds and Pantsman - the most unsettling children's character since Cat Weasel - the contestants are going to be flogging  junk...no, I'm sorry, "antiques". 

21:05 A word of warning says Sir Alan, don't take everything at face value. Philip - Mr Angry - is a project manager this week. With his management style somewhere to the right of Vlad The Impaler, expect chaos. But the other team will be fine won't they, they've got...Ben. Oh dear, and he's already mentioned that "Sandhurst scholarship" of his. 

21:06 There's vintage items amongst the junk including a first edition in a box of books. Since the contestants usually can't see the wood from the trees, I doubt they'll notice. 

20:55 In today's episode the teams have to market cereal. That might seem like a simple task but after last week's shockingly inept shenanigans with soap, I'd not be suprised if they tried to sell strychnine as a childhood food.

20:58 And while we're all hoping bolshey Ben (who last week professed the desire to rip out his rivals teeth) will get the boot, I've got a feeling he might be sticking around for some time.

21:00 We're off. The announcer's doing his usual portentous voiceover - "Britain's brightest business brains..." Yep, no wonder Alisdair Darling essentially announced the complete collapse of the British economy today if this lot are our brightest hopes.

21:03 Sir Alan announces the challenge from the screen of the IMAX - somehow, he still ends up looking a little bit two dimensional. Like I said - this week's challenge is to create a brand identity for a new breakfast cereal.

After last week's fitness fiasco - the porta-potty style Body Rocker vs the seventies style Bingo Buster (pretty much just a wooden box with bits nailed onto it), this week's challenge is all about creating a new health product. Perhaps the team should try and create a cream to make Sir Alan's face look a little less like a slapped arse. 

21:05 Sir Alan get the teams lined up at Kew Gardens. He's mixing up the teams - that pretty much guarantees friction. 

21:07 Paula, team leader of Empire, says she's really pleased with her team with a look on her face that says "Oh, christ what have I got left with." 

21:08 Essex-estate-agent-super-geezer Phil has just confessed a secret love for cosmetics while on the other team Ben has revealed he doens't wear soap. 

21:09 The team's innovations so far - soap or shower gel. Yasmina: "Anything to do with the ocean is fresh, isn't it?" She's obviously never gone swimming on a British beach. 

The excitement is building. Mini trailers are being shown; a polished black shoe steps over a pair of spectacles, crushing them to pieces. The shoe can only belong to one person, one businessman who you don't mess with.

We hear it from him every year. He doesn't like liars. He doesn't like cheats. He doesn't like bullsh*tters. He doesn't like schmoozers. He doesn't like blaggers. He doesn't like arse-lickers. Never ever underestimate him. 

You must know who I am on about now. Who else, but Sir Alan Sugar. Yes, The Apprentice is back.
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After 12 gruelling weeks battling it out against Britain's brightest business hopefuls, Simon Ambrose, a 27-year-old internet entrepreneur from London, has been named as Sir Alan Sugar's third Apprentice.

Simon walks away with the prize of a six-figure salaried job with the self-made multi-millionaire and boss of Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar.

In the concluding episode, screened last night on BBC One, Simon beat off stiff competition from 36-year-old pharmaceutical sales manager Kristina Grimes, by managing a team of fired apprentices in the toughest task yet – they had to come up with ideas for a replacement building to Sir Alan's recently acquired £120million IBM building on the South Bank.

Although some said Simon's design looked like a flaccid-looking phallic symbol, he won over a room full of architects and property gurus during his presentation. Sir Alan later credited Simon with delivering a presentation about his building design which had "hard-nosed business people ... eating out of his hands."

The job interview from Hell is almost over for the 16 applicants who have travelled to London from all across the country in the hopes of landing the £100,000 job and become Sir Alan Sugar's next apprentice. Sir Alan Sugar's global empire is worth in excess of £800m and now he's ready to hire another apprentice.

Last week, Sir Alan had to fire three of the remaining five applicants but only had to fire Lohit and Tre in the end as Katie resigned. That left Pharmaceutical Sales Manager Kristina Grimes and Internet Entrepreneur Simon Ambrose to fight it out for the coveted title of The Apprentice.

Kristina has previously beaten Simon two weeks ago in the Selling on TV task. Rather that conceeding defeat, Simon thinks therefore that he owes her a beating in the upcoming challenge.

In the boardroom, Sir Alan sits once again between Nick Hewer and Margaret Mountford. He shows them a building that he'd just bought in London for £120m. He wants them to create a concept for the building that turns it into a London landmark. In four days time they will present their ideas to some of the countries leading property developers.

Kristine Lefebrvre, who recently became Donald Trump's newest Apprentice after the Los Angeles series of the famous reality TV series, has taken up a secondary apprenticeship - she's taking all of her clothes off for Playboy magazine.

However, this leggy attorney from LA is not just a typical Playboy bunny, she's actually got a story to tell - her Playboy poses came as a way of spreading the word about the dangers women face with cancer. Kristine was diagnosed with cervical cancer just a year and a half ago, and underwent a radical surgery to make sure that the cancer didn't spread. At this stage, the new TV star is in the clear, but she feels the need to spread the word about the trials and tribulations that women with cancer are facing every day. Her spread in Playboy magazine is a way of bringing attention to the plight of women everywhere.

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