Throng

Christmas telly starts in earnest this weekend which sees... well... there's no point me talking about it in this ubiquitous opening paragraph when the rest of the article is a list of shows on this weekend (I do an opening paragraph because it feels a bit rude to just slap you around the eye with a load of programmes).

Anyway, this intro is too much like filler for my liking. You're probably tired of this faux-irreverant throwaway fluff and really, all you want to know is what is on the television this weekend. In fact, you might not even want to know that as you've already scoured the listings yourself.

I don't know why I bother.

Tonight: Heston's Christmas Feast, Channel 4, 9pm

What good programmes are being shown on our television sets this weekend? Well, for those of you who are still a slave to the listings and not fancy-dan like those with PVRs or super swish projectors rigged up to iPlayer... like me... who is jealous of these people... here's what is on and when.

Friday: We Are Family, BBC Two, 9pm

This show reunites families who have drifted apart and of course, chronicles the resultant dramas and tribs. A bit like Who Do You Think You Are?, except it's about real humans, as opposed to celebrities. Tonight, the Minchews are reunited and, be warned, you might even have a little cry watching this.

Friday: Johnny Cash: The Story of Folsom Prison, BBC Four, 9pm

There's the usual mix of X Factor and Strictly on all weekend, as well as a whole load of rugby... but away from that, here is the best of the weekend's TV. I've not done any sarcastic jokes about middle management have I? They're all idiots. Anyway... the telly...

Tonight: Children in Need 2009, BBC One, 7pm

This show splits the country into two camps. Those that hate it and those that go out to the pub so they don't have to watch it. You know the drill by now. Funtimes for charity. Tonight we see The One Show team re-creating Fame, the cast of EastEnders celebrate 50 years of Motown (don't think we've forgiven you for your failed pop career, Sid Owen), the BBC newsreaders perform a tribute to singer Beyoncé AND there's an exclusive preview of the Doctor Who Christmas special.

The weekend is here! That means, if you're Northern, you'll be eating loads of parkin and getting pleasantly fat. If you're Southern... well... I've no idea what you'll be doing. Suffice to say, the weather will be cold and you'll no doubt want to spend a fair amount of your time avoiding the snap of the outdoors. Good thing that the TV is always waiting for you with open arms and a blank, cold stare.

Let's have a look at the best this weekend has to offer.

Tonight: Comedy Showcase, Channel 4, 10pm

Channel 4 are tying out some new shows. Tonight, we get Campus. The show is from the team that gave us Green Wing, however, this one is, as the title suggests, set in a university. Go with your expectations low as this won't be the same as Green Wing, however, I've got a feeling it will share that enjoyably strange feeling.

The weekend is here and now that the nights are drawing in, it's time to start thinking about hibernation. Of course, I'm not implying that you curl up into a tight ball and pass out in your own urine underneath a shed, but rather, stock up on ginger biscuits and fags and pull the duvet round your ears and watch 4 months of telly, straight no chaser. It starts this weekend and here's the cream of a decidely average looking crop.

Tonight: Eastenders, BBC One, 8pm

So just who did Heather Trott ring in last night's episode? How will he react when he hears her message telling him that he's the father of little George Michael? Cue: Every male member (no pun intended) picking up their phones and listen to their voicemail. Whoever it is, they're mental. No... not because Hev is a funny looking woman... because they went bareback dummy.

The weekend is upon us and I, dear reader(s) will be going on some dodgems. I fully intend to find a weak, frightened child and relentlessly batter him with my electrical car until he grows a spine and punches me in the face. They'll thank me for it one day. What? You want to know what the best of this weekend's TV is? Why didn't you say something?

Tonight: Have I Got News for You, BBC One, 9pm

Ian Hislop and Paul Merton return for yet another series to mock politicians mercilessly. Guest host is Martin Clunes and joining them are former Strictly Come Dancing judge Arlene Phillips and Charlie Brooker.

Tonight: Synth Britannia, BBC Four, 9pm

Hey! It's the weekend! Got something cool planned? If you have, don't tell me because I'll invariably be sat in front of the box, petrified that I might miss anything half decent or news worthy.

I get very jealous.

As such, here's the top picks of the weekend TV which will either be huge fun or fun to hurl abuse at. All the joys of television eh?